Archive | April, 2011

Born On The Fourth Of July (1989 dir. Oliver Stone)

30 Apr

Angry Vietnam archetypes bond over gambling, wheelchairs and tequila, after lead shouter offends mother with detailed penis monologue.

4/5

Fiend Without A Face (1958 dir. Arthur Crabtree)

29 Apr

Communist central nervous systems cause relations to be strained between armed corn-fed Americans and armed corn-fed Americans with aircraft.

2/5

Hitch (2005 dir. Andy Tennant)

28 Apr

Fuck tutor makes comfortable living without marketing campaign, and includes complimentary dance-training montage for new out of shape client.

2/5

Edge Of Darkness (2010 dir. Martin Campbell)

27 Apr

After taking daughter’s graphic shotgunning surprisingly well, Aussie Irish American bonds with infamous barrow boy over smoking.

2/5

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010 dir. Edgar Wright)

26 Apr

Like Juno replaced unplanned foetus with bullet-time, and character sympathy for even worse music.

2/5

The Last Emperor (1987 dir. Bernardo Bertolucci)

25 Apr

Woefully underqualified ruler excels at English rather than preventing Japanese invasion, and invites Lawrence Of Arabia round for tea.

4/5

Kangaroo Jack (2003 dir. David McNally)

24 Apr

Stand By Me fatso, with African-American cohort, pursues badly animated cash-rich marsupial in beautiful locations.

1/5

D.A.R.Y.L. (1985 dir. Simon Wincer)

23 Apr

Like The Terminator in a small town, minus puberty and multiple gun fatalities.

2/5

Splice (2009 dir. Vincenzo Natali)

22 Apr

Fuelled by average music and empty calories, heavily-nostrilled scientist creates bum-headed abomination for medical advancement and ten minutes of full intercourse.

2/5

Superhero Movie (2008 dir. Craig Mazin)

21 Apr

Initially witty piss-take of comic characters and websites succumbs to age-old ethnic stereotyping and fart gags.

2/5

The Fourth Man (1983 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

20 Apr

Dutch nose spoils moment of ejaculation by speaking of Biblical figures before experiencing world’s fastest haircut and mental breakdown.

3/5

Broadway Danny Rose (1984 dir. Woody Allen)

19 Apr

Booking agent escapes from mobsters using comedy.

2/5

Supersize Me (2004 dir. Morgan Spurlock)

18 Apr

Groundbreaking documentary sees greedyguts reveal to an unsuspecting world that eating junk food relentlessly is bad for your health.

3/5

CV Tip #4 (Dawn Of The Dead)

17 Apr

Working in a fast food establishment is pretty much the kiss of death for your employability if stated on a CV, but well done for scraping some positives out of the despair:

‘This allowed me to become skilled at dealing with large quantities of hungry customers face to face during the lunch time rush hour.’

CV Tip #95 (Autopsy)

16 Apr

‘Practical skills – full human body dissection.’

It’s generally a good idea to tailor a CV to a specific role or business area. Why include the above on what is essentially an application for a fucking call center position?

CV Tip #100 (Fill yer boots)

15 Apr

Boys will be boys, especially in a manufacturing environment.

We all enjoy the odd practical joke now and then, but be mindful of how fucking disgusting you’re being, as you never know when twenty years later, the interviewing HR contact for a new job may be getting boned regularly by an ex-colleague, and he may text back his partner an informal reference on you to this effect:

‘Do not hire this guy under any circumstances. His idea of a joke is shitting in people’s boots.’

CV Tip #94 (Someone? Anyone?)

14 Apr

Always ensure you address your application appropriately. From a covering letter:

‘Dear someone at the office (no name off job center)’

Fucking brilliant. Sir/madame/your highness will do fine next time.

CV Tip #15 (First loser)

13 Apr

A snippet from a gentleman’s stint in telesales:

‘I once came second in a competition to see who could sell the most products in a week, with the winner being awarded with a holiday.’

Fucking brilliant. What else have you not achieved in life? Winning the lottery? Getting your dick wet by a broad from The Only Way Is Essex? Playing for England in the World Cup? Irrelevant information for a potential employer to look over will only wind them up.

Celebrity (1998 dir. Woody Allen)

12 Apr

Northern Irish thesp does Woody Allen impression amidst crampt conditions for fuckfesting.

2/5

CV Tip #35 (Jackie Chan)

12 Apr

Stating ‘I like to run and play Kung Fu twice a week’ at the end of a CV is a very poor choice of words.

CV Tip #17 (No fixed abode)

11 Apr

When you call a potential employer to enquire as to how you can send them your pathetic CV, make sure you already have a pen handy to note down an email or postal address.

The recruiter will not want to wait for ten minutes on the phone whilst you look for something to write with in your fucking despair-ridden bedsit.

Friday The 13th (2009)

10 Apr

Producer Michael Bay surpasses himself by creating catalogue model characters even less sympathetic than masked serial killer.

3/5

Maniac (1980)

9 Apr

Asthmatic shotgunner scalps useless actresses using surgical precision in New York.

2/5

Dazed And Confused (1993)

8 Apr

Sadistic jock/farm types celebrate final school day by performing arse-batting montage, and drinking, in the 70s.

3/5

Bandits (2001)

7 Apr

Charming burglers in denim and obvious hair pieces fall out after seeking the use of the same captured lady’s fuckhole.

2/5

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