By Slick Nick
Disgraced Manchester United quarterback Ryan Giggs has stunned the footballing world with the outlandish claim that he is in fact the reincarnated carbon-based form of Jesus Christ. The revelation comes as attempts to haul into court anyone that has even thought about uttering his name have seemingly failed.
Mr Giggs, 22, recently caught the attention of the world’s media for allegedly having full penetrative intercourse with Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, a lady thought to be up to ten times more fuckable than his long-suffering wife. It is thought that the announcement of Giggs’ senior status in one of the planet’s top five religions will crush the perception that he is in fact a spineless, unfaithful and immoral human being with too much disposable income.
Proof will be provided that the star has not made false statements, including several carefully planned media spots in which Mr Giggs will re-enact well known scenes from the Bible. Rumours suggest that at a location to be confirmed, he will feed the entire immediate family of Scottish Prime Minister Sir Alex Ferguson with two loaves of Hovis medium-slice bread and a single packet of Tesco mackeral fillets.
Giggs himself was unavailable for comment, instead choosing to dedicate his time between now and the next football season to preparing for his new role as the saviour of all mankind; by growing his hair and shopping for sandals.
Publicist Max Clifford was on hand to discuss a few points.
He said: ‘When a wealthy celebrity gets caught quite literally with their pants down, it is my job to make sure they are seen in a positive light to deflect some of the damage to their image.’
‘Usually we build a careful and subtle media campaign over a period of weeks, however at this present moment, my minions are up to their eyeballs in work. So many of our clients are demanding press coverage for doing absolutely nothing of interest whatsoever.’
‘This Jesus thing should hopefully put everything right in one go so we can focus on Kerry Katona‘s next visit to Asda.’
Ryan Giggs will be seen walking quickly [water skiing] on water at Liverpool’s Albert Dock in the middle of July.