Out Of Sight (1998 dir. Steven Soderbergh)

After enjoying playful roleplay fuckfest with career criminal, oustanding Hispanic constable carefullyguns down on/off boyfriend in expensive property.

3/5

Kidulthood (2006 dir. Menhaj Huda)

All expected urban/ethnic youth cliches covered as Dazed & Confused meets Dizzy Rascal.

3/5

Jade (1995 dir. William Friedkin))

Kinky homemade fuck video leads to the gunning down of senior Aliens marine.

2/5

The Man In The Gray Flannel Suit (1956 dir. Nunnally Johnson)

Endless melodrama answers that most poignant of questions: what happens when a post-WWII 50s gent type does fuck all of interest for 140 minutes?

1/5

Rio Bravo (1959 dir. Howard Hawks)

Managed by grizzled alpha archetype, lads hanging out win squib-less gun battles.

3/5

The Seven Year Itch (1955 dir. Billy Wilder)

Idiot discovers psychological term for severe blue balls case brought on by encounter with worldclass skirt.

3/5

Salvador (1986 dir. Oliver Stone)

Hard drinking, hard fucking snapper gives away several nice watches on bullet-ridden holiday.

3/5

River’s Edge (1986 dir. Tim Hunter)

Long-haired Matrix Christ comes to terms with sex, murder and heavy metal in lumberjack town.

2/5

Sex, Lies And Videotape (1989 dir. Steven Soderbergh)

Sexually inept mullet captures female wank talk with dated technology.

3/5

In Praise of Love (Éloge de l’amour) (2001 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

Numerous off-camera dialogue skits make confusing narrative completely fucking impossible to follow.

2/5

Rio (2011 dir. Carlos Saldanha)

Annoying  Latin dance interludes interrupt tale of virgin’s ambitious attempt to get laid in Christ-obsessed land.

2/5

Jack (1996 dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

All-American schmaltz undermines curious tale of manchild nearly getting his dick wet by chum’s MILF.

2/5

Rumble Fish (1983 dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

Calm motorcycle/animal enthusiast returns to old haunt to take part in artistically-shot street brawls.

3/5

Premiership footballer accused of sleeping with own fiance

By Slick Nick

Fresh scandal gripped the Premier League last night when an unnamed footballing star was accused of having sex with a woman. The difference this time, however, is that the woman in question is the hero’s fiance.

It is said that the pair were spotted together at a generic bar in Ealing Broadway, enjoying drinks whilst discussing the drama that had unfolded in the past week’s episodes of Eastenders.

Suitably relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company, the caucasians then made their way to an Indian restaurant, where they enjoyed mild curries and light conversation. A complaint was made about some cold naan bread but witnesses have confirmed a ‘generous tip’ was still given to the waiter.

They then made their way home to a shared property in Greater London, where a sex act was performed on the England international. The couple then enjoyed some satisfying intercourse in the missionary position.

The accusations come amid public concern for the way footballers are depicted in the mainstream media.

Football fan Richard Wilkes, 50, said: ‘I’m annoyed with this news item.’

‘We look up to these guys as great sportsmen, but more importantly, as lotharios. They should be ball-deep in quality skirt at all times – it adds to the superstar persona. It’s certainly one of the main reasons I take my young son to the games each week.’

‘I think defamatory stories like this only serve to hurt an innocent man’s career and merchandise sales. It’s not on.’

Though the man in question cannot be named due to a superinjunction, his press spokesman has confirmed that in future, he will conduct himself and way that is more befitting of a modern Premiership footballer.

Spider Baby (1968 dir. Jack Hill)

Poor acting and barely any editing ruins Big/Vice Versa/Jack blueprint.

1/5

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1977 dir. Steven Spielberg)

After arriving late for band rehearsal, alien mothership kidnaps Jaws academic with ease.

4/5

The Crying Game (1992 dir. Neil Jordan)

Reminiscent of Vertigo, with a surprising man sausage instead of false suicide.

3/5

Inspector Gadget (1999 dir. David Kellogg)

Director of tits reimagines Robocop, minus graphic gun fatalities, with a physically handicapped villain.

1/5

Sunset Boulevard (1950 dir. Billy Wilder)

Lack of Heat magazine coverage leads to the gunning down of Wild Bunch supervisor by old Hollywood crow type.

4/5

The 400 Blows (Les Quatre Cents Coups) (1959 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Not unlike a black and white Ferris Bueller’s Day Off underpinned by French poverty.

4/5

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Anthem’ (2003) by Less Than Jake

By Slick Nick

I’ve been listening to punk bands since 1999, and it’s hard to think of a more worthless sub genre of music than ska punk. Replace any semblance of creativity in a pop punk band with trumpets and colourful shirts, and what presents itself is an irritating and generally unpopular style of music. A record label’s ska punk band/s will almost always be their lowest sellers, regardless of whether the label is an independent or a major.

Being a ska punk album released in the worst ever decade for rock music, I was expecting ‘Anthem’ to be a shitter. The fifth studio album by Less Than Jake (LTJ) doesn’t disappoint in that respect, being one of the worst albums ever made. Appropriately, this was also the Florida band’s return to a major label.

Given their kerazy live show reputation and cartoony album artwork, on record LTJ are actually surprisingly dull. Listen to any Greenday or Blink182 album, and music-wise the entire span of the band’s creativity will be more than covered. Listening to ‘Anthem’ in 2011 as I have done for this post is quite a mind-numbing experience.

A band doesn’t need to be as skilled as Rush in terms of music to keep me entertained, but they damn well better have some killer hooks to lead their songs if they claim to be a pop punk group. ‘Anthem’ not only lacks tunes, but the one or two it does have sound very familiar. A well-trained ear isn’t really required to discover that the melody lines tend to follow the same path from song to song. I am sure reading the sheet music to this record would evoke multiple feelings of de ja vu.

LTJ have two vocalists who tend to share singing duties from song to song – a rarity in rock music. Guitarist Chris Demakes isn’t too bad, in a generic sort of way, but bassist Roger Manganelli really flops on this album. His lead vocal on second single ‘The Science of Selling Yourself Short’ is poor; whiny and irritating, it barely holds the tune together. Incidentally, this song features some of the very sparse proper ska/raggae moments on the album.

Roger: A dreadlock for every time his singing has annoyed me

Speaking of singles, ‘She’s Gonna Break Soon’ really is the pits. I remember when it first came out and was never off the music channels, much to the annoyance of my younger self. I could easily ignore the band’s music but not when this shitter came out. The song really is the crappest, barrel-scraping generic, throw away pop-punk garbage imaginable. It’s also quite a cynical stab at marketing, highlighting their target demographic (tedious angsty teens) lyrically and visually in the song. It makes Papa Roach’s ‘Last Resort’ video look subtle and profound.

Finally, as a ‘bonus’, and I use that word very loosely, LTJ offer a breakneck, inferior cover version of Cheap Trick’s majestic ‘Surrender’. The charm in the original was the melody and the fucking immense, crunchy old guitar sound. It doesn’t work as a 2-minute pop punk song. It just rubs salt into the wounds of the listener; the band have to spoil a good song as well as delivering a miserable album of their own terrible compositions.

I find LTJ’s releases in the wake of ‘Anthem’ quite amusing. Obviously they had blown their creative load on these crap songs, so the next release labelled ‘B Is For B-Sides’ was an album of outtakes from the ‘Anthem’ sessions. Songs too crap for even that album must be beyond worthless. Next came a live album, before they remixed the B-sides album for ANOTHER release. It beggars belief that these fellas grew up in the punk rock scene.

Materials found being used for bedding in the LTJ tour bus in 2009

Transformers: The Dark Of The Moon (2011 dir. Michael Bay)

The cinematic equivalent of a giant caucasian penis ejaculating over a women’s swimwear catalogue resting on an American flag.

2/5

The Bird With The Crystal Plummage (1970 dir. Dario Argento)

Rare birdsong leads to falsely-accused man’s head contents being spilled on Italian pavement.

3/5

12 Angry Men (1957 dir. Sydney Lumet)

A dozen sweating caucasians do some serious supposing without air conditioning.

5/5

X Men: First Class (2011 dir. Matthew Vaughn)

Freak catalogue models dick about in mansion before preventing world war III with crap CGI.

3/5