By Slick Nick
Fresh scandal gripped the Premier League last night when an unnamed footballing star was accused of having sex with a woman. The difference this time, however, is that the woman in question is the hero’s fiance.
It is said that the pair were spotted together at a generic bar in Ealing Broadway, enjoying drinks whilst discussing the drama that had unfolded in the past week’s episodes of Eastenders.
Suitably relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company, the caucasians then made their way to an Indian restaurant, where they enjoyed mild curries and light conversation. A complaint was made about some cold naan bread but witnesses have confirmed a ‘generous tip’ was still given to the waiter.
They then made their way home to a shared property in Greater London, where a sex act was performed on the England international. The couple then enjoyed some satisfying intercourse in the missionary position.
The accusations come amid public concern for the way footballers are depicted in the mainstream media.
Football fan Richard Wilkes, 50, said: ‘I’m annoyed with this news item.’
‘We look up to these guys as great sportsmen, but more importantly, as lotharios. They should be ball-deep in quality skirt at all times – it adds to the superstar persona. It’s certainly one of the main reasons I take my young son to the games each week.’
‘I think defamatory stories like this only serve to hurt an innocent man’s career and merchandise sales. It’s not on.’
Though the man in question cannot be named due to a superinjunction, his press spokesman has confirmed that in future, he will conduct himself and way that is more befitting of a modern Premiership footballer.