CV Tip #27 (Unemployablepedia)

Your CV should always be written in the present first person tense.

Don’t write ‘he swam competitively and won awards…’

You’re not writing your fucking wikipedia page just yet.

CV Tip #13 (Amstrad)

After making an application and then getting some positive feedback from the recruiter, try and avoid replying with the following:

‘I am also writing back to say thank you on this occasion as that was a very good and punctual response.’

The reason you shouldn’t do this is because you are not Alan fucking Sugar.

CV Tip #102 (Sperm)

Being offered a job after so many months or years of despair must be a wonderful feeling, but make sure you continue to listen carefully to instructions.

When asked to provide a sample as part of a pre-employment medical appointment, make sure it’s urine and not semen. This is because you are not taking part in a DNA test on the fucking Jeremy Kyle show.