Archive | December, 2011

The Cat o’ Nine Tails (1971 dir. Dario Argento)

31 Dec

A young Bruce Forsyth lookalike gets embroiled in a very convoluted strangulation yarn.

2/5

Teenagers From Outer Space (1959 dir. Tom Graeff)

30 Dec

Like a live-action Lillingtons record antagonising Daily Mail editors.

1/5

Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time (2010 dir. Mike Newall)

29 Dec

Donnie Darko uses vocal coaching and gymnastics to defeat Ghandi in bog standard swordfight.

2/5

Détective (1985 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

28 Dec

Training strategy of Rocky Balboa mimicked, with tennis balls and bare tits replacing meat carcasses.

2/5

Hancock (2008 dir. Peter Berg)

27 Dec

African American Superman disguises identity with tramp-wear instead of Buddy Holly spectacles.

2/5

March of The Penguins (2005 dir. Luc Jacquet)

26 Dec

Like The Shawshank Redemption with flightless birds.

4/5

Warrior (2011 dir. Gavin O’Connor)

25 Dec

Like a better funded, and legal, Bloodsport for the teen pregnancy generation.

4/5

Mars Attacks! (1996 dir. Tim Burton)

24 Dec

Largely unnecessary ensemble cast defeat 60s aliens with hick music.

2/5

Stripes (1981 dir. Ivan Reitman)

23 Dec

Young Ghostbusters complete mission on cinema’s least dangerous battlefield.

3/5

Willow (1988 dir. Ron Howard)

22 Dec

Like a straight to video Lord of The Rings, with human child replacing possessed jewelery.

2/5

Bird on a Wire (1990 dir. John Badham)

21 Dec

Blonde rewards mechanic/hair dresser/architect/builder/zoo keeper for nearly getting her killed several times by giving him back her sex organs.

2/5

The Inbetweeners Movie (2011 dir. Ben Palmer)

20 Dec

Middle class whites go looking for fuckholes in the second circle of hell.

3/5

JOB AD: Ghostbuster

19 Dec

Ghostbuster – New York City, USA (field-based) – Perm – $18-25k + Healthcare + Company vehicle

Ghostbusters Inc. does one thing and one thing only – bust ghosts! Since 1984 we have experienced year-on-year growth due to delighting our customers in New York with outstanding cutomer service and delivery with every job we do. With patented technology, and an energetic and fun working culture, we have become the only company that people turn to when ghosts attack. Who you gonna call? Us.

Due to a recent surge in paranormal activity, we now require an additional Ghostbuster to visit clients’ premises around the city to deliver our worldclass ghostbusting service to challenging SLAs. This is strictly a service delivery position without any sales involved.

The Ghosbuster is an extremely physical role, so those seeking a desk job where their hands don’t get dirty need not apply.

The Ghostbuster works well unsupervised or as part of a team

Candidates should ideally have experience of or be comfortable with particle accelorator weaponry, though a full morning’s training will be given for using our unique Proton Packs.

Individuals that have performed on the television show Saturday Night Live will be looked upon with considerable favour, as will those with a full driving license.

Good organisational skills and the ability to prioritise are a must. Candidates must also demonstrate superb communications skills as this is a customer-facing role. They should be comfortable around senior stakeholders such s democratically elected government officials and their unpopular assistants.

To apply, please turn up unannounced at our New York headquarters and ask for Dr. Peter Venkman, Ph.d, upon arrival for an informal interview.

Ghostbusters Inc. is an equal opportunities employer and does not discriminate on the ground of age, sex, race or take-away food prefererence.

‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA

18 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Jesy Nelson, backing singer in X Factor winners Little Mix, has come under scrutiny from leading scientific researchers for being ‘quite likely’ to be not what she appears to be. She remains locked up in a top secret basement somewhere in England for advanced scientific analysis.

The 28 year old lifeform, known as ‘the fat one’ to the general public, has been masquerading as a fully-fledged human for several weeks whilst performing as one quarter of the overhyped girl group.

Richard Wilkes, fellow of biological science studies at Cameford University, has gone on record to confirm that no homosapien female could possibly look like Miss Nelson and that she is in fact the world’s first discovered extraterrestrial to house human DNA coding.

Not of this world: The fat one

He said: ‘If you look at her face, the nose is undersized, with barely any cartilage. It’s also nearly in line with her eyes, which are too far apart to be considered genuine earthling.’

‘The creature’s hair also left me speechless, no doubt the result of many generations of evolution on inhabitable gas giant planets light years away from our immediate solar system, with very brazen, acidic atmospheres.’

What is unknown at this time is how a human ended up so far away from planet earth in order to mate with another lifeform.

Mr Wilkes hopes to use similar techniques to the CIA during the Cold War in order to secure the truth from Miss Nelson.

‘This creature has certainly learnt to adapt to its suroundings successfully. To listen to it, you’d think it was just like any other uneducated, fame-hungry celeb-obsessed cretinous British teen.’

‘Having said all that, I could be wrong. This may just be a very unattractive girl.’

The live semi-dissection will go ahead anyway and be shot for an ITV2 one off show to be broadcast early in 2012.

Mississippi Mermaid (1969 dir. Francois Truffaut)

17 Dec

Not unlike Vertigo in colonised Africa, with cigarette manufacturing instead of police work.

4/5

Midnight in Paris (2011 dir. Woody Allen)

16 Dec

Unsure scribbler tries to fuck celebrity ghost in overrated city during pre-Coca Cola days.

4/5

All I Want For Christmas (1991 dir. Robert Lieberman)

15 Dec

Charming battle of the classes sees poor man defeat rich man in gaining mating rites to middle aged woman’s fuckhole.

2/5

Straw Dogs (2011 dir. Rod Lurie)

14 Dec

God-fearing AOR-obsessed working men get decimated by wealthy poindexter in banking collapse allegory.

3/5

Analyze This (1999 dir. Harold Ramis)

13 Dec

Like a feature-length Sopranos episode, with Jewish gagster replacing Italian American broad.

3/5

Catch Me If You Can (2002 dir. Steven Spielberg)

12 Dec

Veteran beard takes a light-hearted look at identity theft, serious fraud and fuck selling in the sixties.

3/5

Does my coat look pink in this? Pat Butcher steps out for some lunch in Walford

11 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pat Butcher of Eastenders fame caught onlookers by surprise earlier this week as she stepped out for a Big Mac and chips during the filming of one of her Christmas death scenes.

Mrs Butcher, 88, looked devine in a bright pink trench coat, complete with synthetic fur collar and Christmas tree ear-rings. She had opted for a more under-stated make-up, displaying only three layers of foundation and a lighter tint to the usual dark blue eye shadow.

Trend setter: Pat demonstrates her own unique style

The pensioner, who has made love to nearly all males in Albert Square over 65, will leave the long-running soap opera this Christmas, when she will be riddled with machine gun bullets following a gangland slaying over unwashed pants at the laundrette.

Producers have let slip that it will be ‘like the end of Bonnie and Clyde, without Clyde and with a very overweight and old Bonnie’. The scenes, to be filmed later this week, will use several dozen squibs, the most ever used in the show’s history.

A pair of Pat’s earrings from 1993 recently fetched a staggering £13.86 on eBay, which solidified her status as one of the BBC’s most cherished stars.

A spokesperson for Pat has said she will live out the rest of her years in quiet retirement, alongside ‘eating more chips than anyone thought humanly possible’.

Pop Peelings wishes Pat the very best for the future.

The Thing (2011 dir. Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.)

10 Dec

Hairy academics get butchered by CGI, instead of animatronics, in the snow.

2/5

Vampire In Brooklyn (1995 dir. Wes Craven)

9 Dec

Despised comedy-horror neglects pant-filling subgenre.

2/5

Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade (1989 dir. Steven Spielberg)

8 Dec

Christ fanatics travel the globe in search of a glass of water.

3/5

The Dungeon Masters (2008 dir. Keven McAlester)

8 Dec

Disturbing documentary sees arguably the lowest scrapings of human society leave their bedsits for a couple of days to play Hero Quest together.

3/5

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