Archive | March, 2012

SUCCESS! Zayn Malik’s ‘Bradfordburg’ concerto sells out

31 Mar

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Zayn Malik has proved his detractors wrong once again as a controversial forray into classical music for the young prodigy has turned out to be nothing but a roaring success.

Malik, 28, who will be breaking away from boy group One Direction later in the year, presented fans with a live performance of his highly anticipated Bradfordburg concerto, a 10-hour tribute to his home town played by the school orchestra of Wakefield High School.

Orchestra: Wakefield's finest

Tickets reportedly sold out within two weeks of going on sale at the 138 capacity venue.

Even Malik’s father, Mr. Malik, was only able to bring two of his four wives along to enjoy the evening.

Those lucky enough to attend commented that seeing Zayn in action was not unlike witnessing ‘a young Mozart in his prime’.

The concert stopped for a short interlude at the four hour mark, during which time a banquet of crisps, Haribo and diet Fanta were served with compliments.

Particular crowd pleasers were ‘Bradford FC Cello Sonata in A Minor’ and ‘An MBA Keeps the Border Force at Bay in B Maj. 2nd Movement’.

Composing: Zayn Malik

Some in attendance were so overcome with emotion that they shed tears.

Zayn himself was available for comment after the ten minute standing ovation that greeted the final bars of ‘Tony And George Kissing In A B52 Bomber in F Minor.’

He said: ‘I am delighted with the evening and am pleased with the response to my work. Now I must retire to my private quarters where I intend to enjoy a w**k and the first DVD of my new Spongebob Squarepants boxset.’

He will now start planning a second performance of the Bradfordburg Concerto to take place at Leeds Civic Center this summer.

Tower Heist (2011 dir. Brett Ratner)

30 Mar

An ethnically diverse group of socialists ape Robin Hood.

2/5

50/50 (2011 dir. Jonathan Levine)

29 Mar

Jew jogger joins then leaves the bald community.

2/5

Little Fockers (2010 dir. Paul Weitz)

28 Mar

Lifeless penises inspire lifeless gags in lifeless sequel.

1/5

Rise of The Footsoldier (2007 dir. Julian Gilbey)

27 Mar

Uneducated heads explode several times as barrowboys ape Goodfellas.

2/5

The Descendants (2011 dir. Alexander Payne)

26 Mar

Craving Academy Awards, silver-haired father uncovers who fucked his wife in paradise.

3/5

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987 dir. Rod Amateau)

25 Mar

Fashion designer adopts Nike business strategies by using cheap foreign labour to produce garments.

0/5

Conan The Barbarian (2011 dir. Marcus Nispel)

24 Mar

After being born by c-section, cutter of many blood vessels hacks his way through plotless grease-a-thon.

1/5

Kill List (2011 dir. Ben Wheatley)

23 Mar

1970s pagan horror collides with Eastenders.

3/5

Taking Liberties (2007 dir. Chris Atkins)

22 Mar

Cheeky documentarian explores social policies of grinning warlord.

3/5

Freddy Got Fingered (2001 dir. Tom Green)

21 Mar

Doodling, animal sperm and an offer of anal sex cause relations to implode between father and cult Canadian.

2/5

The Conformist (1970 dir. Bernardo Bertolucci)

20 Mar

Guilty Catholic watches academic get skewered artistically in the woods.

4/5

Cass (2008 dir. Jon S. Baird)

19 Mar

Man mountain throws hands with caucasians in the eighties.

2/5

JOB AD: Health & Safety Manager, Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

18 Mar

Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount

Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.

As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.

This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.

The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.

The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.

Meet the team

This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.

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Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.

The Hangover Part II (2011 dir. Todd Phillips)

17 Mar

Duff comedy gets overshadowed by its own end credit sequence.

2/5

Hugo (2011. dir Martin Scorcese)

16 Mar

Legendary Italian puts film scholars through hell again.

3/5

My Week With Marilyn (2011 dir. Simon Curtis)

15 Mar

Kennedy cake slut gives Pinewood dogsbody a severe case of blueballs.

3/5

The Town (2010 dir. Ben Affleck)

14 Mar

Like Good Will Hunting with added gun play.

4/5

War Horse (2011 dir. Steven Spielberg)

13 Mar

Like Saving Private Ryan with agriculture.

3/5

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of The Unicorn (2011 dir. Steven Spielberg)

12 Mar

Likable mariner battles alcoholism with tourism.

3/5

JOB AD: Colonial Marine from Aliens

11 Mar

Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod

Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.

As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.

Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.

You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.

WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.

Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.

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Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.

Get Shorty (1995 dir. Barry Sonnenfeld)

10 Mar

Cool people in cool venues chase the same pile of money whilst cool music plays.

2/5

Envy (2004 dir. Barry Levinson)

9 Mar

Magical shit spray changes the lives of two Jews and a hasbeen.

2/5

The Grey (2012 dir. Joe Carnahan)

8 Mar

Like Deliverance colliding with a more horrific Doctor Doolittle.

3/5

The Iron Lady (2011 dir. Phyllida Lloyd)

7 Mar

Like The Sixth Sense, starring scourge of non A-level holders.

3/5

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