CV Tip #104 (Office LOLs)

Very few employers are looking to hire a David Brent figure, especially an evangelical one, so avoid puting statements like this on a CV:

‘I am an enjoyable character who brings a joy to the office by the grace of Jesus Christ.’

CV Tip #167 (I should be so lucky)

If you think this email address is acceptable, even to use with your friends much less on a CV, then I wish you the best of luck in your lengthy career as a full-time benefit claimant:

‘rubberduckies2009@…….’

CV Tip #109 (Homo Erectus)

The CV should be written for as wide an audience, so never assume that the employer has been on the same cutting edge training course as you, or is reading the same quirky American self-help books.

So with the following sentence, modify it accordingly if you mean to say you can develop business relationships and open up new prospects with solid cold calling skills:

‘Strong “farmer/nurturer” & “hunter/gatherer” skills with a variety of client personalities’

CV Tip #171 (Anti Depressants)

The CV should always have a positive, almost bragging tone to it. Negative talk is a big no no.

So avoid sentences like this at all costs:

‘Never get depressed due to failure ‘

CV Tip #120 (Peter Venkman)

I’ve said it countless times but always ensure you have a seperate professional email address for puting on CVs and corresponding with potential employers, if your personal one is idiotic.

This one just makes you look unemployable, despite having superb taste in cinema:

‘ghostbusters_43@……..’

CV Tip #141 (I need a dollar)

Never swear on a CV.

Always remain positive.

And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.

Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:

‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’

CV Tip #128 (Birmingham City)

This is from the candidate summary section from a job board CV database:

‘Available now, living in London. I have 4 kids and am a keen hill walker, Birmingham City supporter. What more is there to say’

Indeed, what more is there to say? How about a fucking objective? Some punctuation wouldn’t hurt either.

CV Tip #159 (Simon Cowell)

I’m all for bragging on a CV; afterall, it is supposed to sell your skills and experience to an employer.

Caution though – what you consider a worthwhile life-affirming achievement may come across as pathetic to someone else:

‘‘I had a top 100 hit’’

CV Tip #185 (Alf Garnett)

Never come across as racist on a CV.

Fucking hell, this isn’t the 1960s and we are not in the deep south of America. Have someone review your application before it’s submitted if you’re too stupid to phrase things appropriately:

‘…where I have been working with members of the public and socially excluded groups of people including ethnic minorities and the long term unemployed of all ages ‘

CV Tip #179 (Rodney Trotter)

Remember the covering letter is the first part of a sales pitch – and you are the product.

So try not to make it easier for an employer to delete your application from their inbox by writing lines like this, especially in fucking italics:

‘I have never had a real job before.’

1200th POST SPECIAL: Bieber to cover Bullseye themetune?

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Is Justin Bieber about to record his first novelty single for charity? Reports are pointing towards the idea that the Canadian megastar will soon be entering the studio once again, this time to create a tribute to the beloved gameshow involving darts and spelling.

Mr Bieber, 14, came across an old episode of the Jim Bowen hosted program whilst in a London hotel room, and was reportedly ‘hooked’ from there on in.

The upbeat theme tune was of particular interest, and will now be redone using the finest modern studio trickery. Pianos will be provided by David Guetta, with lyrics written solely by Beiber himself. Whilst still in the early stages of planning, Bieber’s label is also keen to bring animated mascot Bully to a new audience and are exploring ways to display him in 3D in the upcoming video.

Sir Bowen: Nothing in this game for two in a bed

There were a number of reasons why Bieber was won over by Bullseye, which ran for over 3’000 episodes during the 80s and 90s on British television.

His publicist Richard Wilkes said: ‘Where do I start? Jim Bowen, the contestants, the prizes, the hairstyles, the moustaches and of course, the high-octane rollercoaster ride that is a game of darts!’

‘Bowen would always introduce his guests as a couple of characters, then enter into the most awkward banter as the contestants would display no emotion or personality, even after having their size and weight mocked on occasions. They’d have the worst jobs and hobbies, but bless him, Jim would always try and act excited.’

‘The prizes were stunning. Who wouldn’t make good use of a new cutlery set or fur coat? For the kids, there were electric cars and for the big wins, often speedboats and new wardrobes.’

‘The losers would not go home empty handed either. Cash, counted out live by Jim Bowen as if the studio was a highstreet betting shop, stuffed into beer glasses, along with a toy Bully, would be awarded to those bowing out early. Everyone was a winner.’

Iiiiiiiinnnnn one: Justin Bieber

And what of further speculation that a full concept album may follow, based on the final and most exciting round of Bullseye?

Mr Wilkes continues: ‘I’m afraid the idea of having a track for each one of Bully’s prizes was knocked on the head a few weeks ago. There simply wouldn’t have been enough there to fill an album of fourteen songs, which the studio demands.’

It is thought that the charity of Mr Bieber’s choice is the RSPCF – The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Foreheads. In keeping with Bullseye’s tradition, a miniscule amount of money will be donated, somewhere in the region of £130.00.

Bieber’s management is now apparently in talks with Jim Bowen’s ‘people’ to get the pair to team up for the youngster’s forthcoming world tour. Perhaps we will finally see Bowen performing his blue working man’s club humour where it rightfully belongs – in a stadium full of teenage girls.

The Secret Agent Club (1996 dir. John Murlowski)

Like a poor man’s Goonies, with a black kid.

1/5

A Wedding (1978 dir. Robert Altman)

Spawn of plantation types drink and talk at the expense of narrative.

2/5

J. Edgar (2011 dir. Clint Eastwood)

Senior cop shouts less and kisses fewer men as further prosthetic flesh is stuck to his face.

2/5

Jagged Edge (1985 dir. Richard Marquand)

Scribbler motivates defense lawyer by providing sex and squash sessions.

2/5

Martial Law (1991 dir. Steve Cohen)

Aggressive constables dispense street justice without considering human rights.

2/5

Flashdance (1983 dir. Adrian Lyne)

Sweating Pepsi addict interupts dance sequences with romance.

2/5

Punch-Drunk Love (2002 dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

A premium fuck chat leads to increased car insurance for aggressive CEO.

3/5

Up All Night (2011) by One Direction

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Rating = 2/5

These five chaps were barely out of nappies when they set a new musical record for being the first British group to bag a number one debut album in America. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and true to the norm of big-selling music in 2012, ‘Up All Night’ is a largely mediocre affair.

Like most Cowell releases, this is tonally uneven, trying to ensnare as many types of music fans as possible. It can’t make up its mind whether it wants to mop up the post-Westlife audience of sappy ballad lovers or fill dancefloors with heaving, sweating bodies puting their hayunds (hands) up in the air.

Lead single ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ kicks things off with a whimper, sounding like a rejected track from the Grease soundtrack. It also showcases perhaps this album’s greatest flaw; the terrible vocals. One Direction were put together from five inept youngsters on X Factor of course, who struggled to hold a single note even in their final performances on that show. Together, they create a weak, lifeless drone, neither distinctive or compelling.

‘Tell Me A Lie’ is my favourite track, with a steady build to a satisfying chorus, which is sadly let down by the pissweak vocals. This song could have been used to launch the career of a far worthy group or ‘artist’.

The song ‘Up All Night’ itself rips off the sublime non-hit ‘Always Something There To Remind Me’ by Tin Tin Out from the mid nineties, a song that was released when the member of 1D were probably in nappies at best.

‘I Want’ attempts to rock thing up with s kooky Beatles-esque intro and some obvious lead guitar. It doesn’t work as a song, nor is it something One Direction’s fans want to be listening to I would think.

The last few tracks pick up the pace, attempting to oust JLS it seems as the definitive knicker-wetting purveyors of dance floor anthems. Sadly the songs, underpinned by the lame vocals, are nothing special, yet still more listenable than the poor quality singles.

Overall, I have to admit there is some ok  song-writing on this record-breaking debut. It pretty much does what it sets out to do; coherse the pocket money from lonely, desperate and undemanding teenage girls.

Planet Pit (2011) by Pitbull

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Rating = 3/5

Bearded dictators. Cigars. Poverty. Pitbull? Of course, I’m listing cultural traits of Cuba, home to a Mr Armando Christian Pére , better known by his stage name Pitbull.

‘Planet Pit’, his sixth album, is a solid near hour of satisfying club and sex anthems, recorded and produced by an army of the pop industry’s top figures, and executed with joyful abandon by the big Cuban himself.

The planet of Pit is a simple one, involving the acquisition of cash, Kodak cameras and females, whilst occasionally remembering where you came from. This album solidified Pitbull as the Cuban answer to Rod Stewart, offering a delightful array of catchy fuck anthems for the modern lothario to get on the floor to.

The first half is packed full of slamming floorfillers, which make way for a bit of diversity in style with the later tracks.

The singles are very impressive, particularly ‘Give Me Everything’, in which Pitbull playfully threatens to get down and dirty with your girlfriend if he’s given the chance. My favourite though is the unforgettable groove of ‘Hey Baby’.

Two ideals collide on ‘International Love’ as Pitbull duets with Chris Brown. Here, girl-licker and girl-puncher work together on another solid anthem, with Brown’s feminine vocals being used to splendic effect in the choruses.

Things get serious on the clumsily-titled ‘Castle Made of Sound’. Armed with only a piano, a drumbeat and self-reflective lyrics of regret and torment, it’s a rare three minutes in which Pitbull bares his soul, for once refraining from chasing skirt around the world.

All in all, ‘Planet Pit’ does what it says on the tin, and I look forward to hearing what the big Cuban and his garrison of associates can come up with next.

Bronson (2008 dir. Nicolas Winding Refn)

Surreal tale charts Inception carrot-dicked gent’s parcipitation in world’s worst dance floor in mental asylum.

2/5

Sliver (1993 dir. Phillip Noyce)

Not unlike The Truman Show with fuck sessions and bath wanks.

2/5

Kansas City (1996 dir. Robert Altman)

Reunion of sidemouth-talking wife and scrawny husband cut short by a bullet to the skull.

2/5

Blazing Saddles (1974 dir. Mel Brooks)

Wrinkly racist mocks older, deader racists.

2/5

Tell No One (2006 dir. Guillaume Canet)

Demented Dad goes to great lenghts to ensure daughter’s life remains fuck free.

3/5