Sideways (2004 dir. Alexander Payne)

Fuck addict and scribbler prove that nice guys really do finish last.

3/5

Elizabeth (1998 dir. Shekhar Kapur)

Out of work TV actors endulge in factually inaccurate thespery.

3/5

A Gorgeous Girl Like Me (1972 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Discussing slut’s previous fuck partners leads to imprisonment of poindexter.

2/5

Snow White And The Huntsman (2012 dir. Rupert Sanders)

Evil step-mother goes to great lengths to maintain fuckability.

2/5

The Vow (2012 dir. Michael Sucsy)

Woefully unfashionable female lockes distract from lunkhead falling for cat narrative.

2/5

The Return Of The Living Dead (1985 dir. Dan O’Bannon)

Republican social policy enacted as working-class community gets nuked.

3/5

Memoirs Of A Geisha (2005 dir. Rob Marshall)

Auction for waitress’ prized fuckhole postponed due to WWII.

2/5

The Pianist (2002 dir. Roman Polanski)

Excessively nostrilled musician gets evicted several times.

4/5

Battlefield Earth (2000 dir. Roger Christian)

Several film careers face obliteration due to bickering and dreadlocks.

1/5

The Queen (2006 dir. Stephen Frears)

Grinning future warlord persuades multi-millionairres to cut short their holiday.

3/5

Deep Impact (1998 dir. Mimi Leder)

Daytime TV collides with extinction.

2/5

The Help (2011 dir. Tate Taylor)

Tell-tale book leads to rising unemployment amongst Tom & Jerry maids.

3/5

The Lawnmower Man (1992 dir. Brett Leonard)

Matrix blueprint sees idiot gardener undergo extreme character arc due to appalling visual effects.

2/5

Hall Pass (2011 dir. Bobby & Peter Farrelly)

The hunt for different fuck partners saves two marriages.

2/5

Swamp Thing (1982 dir. Wes Craven)

Like King Kong meeting a cheapo Incredible Hulk, with foliage.

2/5

Confidentially Yours (1983 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Pervert breaks several employment laws to prove he did not commit shotgun attrocity.

2/5

Say Anything (1989 dir. Cameron Crowe)

CEO of carehome reluctantly allows daughter to fuck a man with appalling taste in music.

2/5

Ghosts of Mars (2001 dir. John Carpenter)

Like Zulu with redder sets.

2/5

The Monster Squad (1987 dir. Fred Dekker)

Men in cheap costumes face deportation at the hands of young Pepsi enthusiasts.

3/5

The Blob (1958 dir. Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.)

Growing entity consumes then destroys American town in General Motors allegory.

2/5

The Dictator (2012 dir. Larry Charles)

Satirical Jews poke fun at one of the most violent and oppressive nations – America.

3/5

The Raid: Redemption (2011 dir. Gareth Evans)

Multiple joints, bones and internal organs destroyed as cops dispense justice Syrian-style.

4/5

CV Tip #77 (Let’s get physical)

From the education section of a CV:

‘GSCE Physical Education – Grade G‘

How does one get a grade so low in that subject, sit on the fucking floor rocking back and forth during the practical exam?

CV Tip #97 (Stop Press)

I actually like it and recommend that under each company on the CV you include a line about what the firm does and how large it is. This saves the recruiter having to Google a load of things to make sure you’ve got the clout and industry experience to be considered for their role.

But use some fucking common sense here. Don’t insult the employer’s intelligence by stating the fucking obvious if the firms happen to be global mega corporations on every high street in the UK:

‘Tesco is a large supermarket chain that supplies food and drink and many products and services to the nation

McDonalds is an international fast food restaurant and takeaway outlet.’

CV Tip #169 (Gollum)

From the interests section at the end of a CV:

‘In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, listening to music, watching television and occasionally going out during the evening with friends.’

Fucking brilliant, if the employer is looking for a recluse.