The Maltese Falcon (1941 dir. John Huston)

Smooth talkers punch faces and drive narrative whilst barely changing location.

4/5

Gentleman’s Agreement (1947 dir. Elia Kazan)

Jew-named non-Jew tricks Jews in order to scribble for non-Jews about Jews.

2/5

The Big Sleep (1946 dir. Howard Hawks)

Fast-talking noir types dispense exposition without using body language.

4/5

Meet John Doe (1941 dir. Frank Capra)

For a change, director Capra has unemployable everyman go up against a group of aged male corporate bully types.

3/5

Arsenic And Old Lace (1944 dir. Frank Capra)

Like Fawlty Towers‘ body episode, minus colour, with several more carcasses and screwball types.

3/5

Les Dames du Bois de Boulogne (1945 dir. Robert Bresson)

A middle aged Ferris Bueller lookalike accidentally marries a dying slut.

2/5

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946 dir. Tay Garnett)

Tramp and cock tease murder a drunk driver before battering Flintstones vocalist.

4/5

Jour De Fête (1949 dir. Jacques Tati)

Highly motivated idiot goes extra mile to administer improved postal service to local peasant customer base.

3/5

Saboteur (1942 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

Wealthy caucasian terrorist bombers perpetuate what must be a Daily Mail reporter’s vision of hell.

3/5

Bicycle Thieves (1948 dir. Vittorio De Sica)

Desire to fulfill shit fixed-term contract and retrieve bedding sees Italian neo-realism type commit street robbery in full view of entire city.

4/5

The Lost Weekend (1945 dir. Billy Wilder)

Like four days in the shoes of a Jeremy Kyle Show guest.

4/5

Double Indemnity (1944 dir. Billy Wilder)

By talking incredibly fast at all times, devious film noir types fail to execute lucrative murder effectively.

4/5

Brief Encounter (1945)

Miseryguts recounts interim snogfests with English 40s gent type, as Casablanca collides with the Piccadilly line.

5/5

Shadow Of A Doubt (1943)

In a picturesque, ordered suburb, man and neice battle to say own name more times than the other.

5/5

Citizen Kane (1941)

Despite talking irritatingly loud at all times, shadowy newspaper seller enjoys loyal staff members for life.

5/5

Rope (1949 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

Legendary film-maker finds new ways to save money on editing.

4/5

Casablanca (1942)

A veteran caberet act is forced to perform overtime.

5/5

It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)

Man babysits an entire town.

4/5