Le Déjeuner Sur L’herbe (1959 dir. Jean Renoir)

The world’s greatest scientist nearly loses his mind over peasant girl’s fuckhole.

3/5

East of Eden (1955 dir. Elia Kazan)

A family implodes over vegetables and the Bible in oldern days.

4/5

The Big Heat (1953 dir. Fritz Lang)

In dystopian post-war America, non-smilers struggle to reach intended people first time on the phone.

4/5

Queen Of Outer Space (1958 dir. Edward Bernds)

Astronauts overjoyed at having to do no washing up or hoovering for an entire year after crashing on girl-infested planet.

1/5

Diary of a Country Priest (1951 dir. Robert Bresson)

Sozzled clergyman winds up most of the supporting cast.

3/5

The Blob (1958 dir. Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.)

Growing entity consumes then destroys American town in General Motors allegory.

2/5

A Streetcar Named Desire (1951 dir. Elia Kazan)

Irritable mechanic seduces sister-in-law without using anti-perspirant.

4/5

Pickpocket (1959 dir. Robert Bresson)

Beta male fails at robbery.

4/5

Rashomon (1950 dir. Akira Kurosawa)

Whilst laughing for no reason, four peasants disagree over plot.

4/5

Wild Strawberries (1957 dir. Ingmar Bergman)

Miserable old Swede breaks space time continuum whilst recounting dull life.

4/5

Teenagers From Outer Space (1959 dir. Tom Graeff)

Like a live-action Lillingtons record antagonising Daily Mail editors.

1/5

The Bridge On The River Kwai (1957 dir. David Lean)

British gent plans and executes gross act of terrorism on another British gent’s impressive civil engineering feat.

4/5

Some Like it Hot (1959 dir. Billy Wilder)

Vintage proof that pick-up artist fuck strategies, not ‘being yourself’, bags quality skirt.

4/5

The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

Hitchcock music man’s London gig is spoiled by non-fatal shooting in anti-Christian thriller.

4/5

Cinderella (1950 dir. Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson & Hamilton Luske)

Cleaner must overcome slavery and vermin with learning difficulties to achieve royal dicking.

2/5

The Desperate Hours (1955 dir. William Wyler)

Bourgois Republicans invaded by Casablanca bar manager avoid serious physical abuse due to PG-rating.

3/5

Early Summer (1951 dir. Yasujiro Ozu)

Without the use of chairs, family elders endeavour to ensure grinning daughter receives regular intercourse before being left on the shelf.

3/5

The Trouble With Harry (1955 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

Two couples bond over numerous unofficial funerals of emaculately-dressed carcass.

2/5

The Seventh Seal (1957 dir. Ingmar Bergman)

Serious Swedes get serious over Christ and chess.

3/5

Rebel Without A Cause (1955 dir. Nicholas Ray)

Virtually motiveless bullying by 50s greaser types leads to the tragic gunning down of Italian-American property of Tom & Jerry maid.

3/5

The Man In The Gray Flannel Suit (1956 dir. Nunnally Johnson)

Endless melodrama answers that most poignant of questions: what happens when a post-WWII 50s gent type does fuck all of interest for 140 minutes?

1/5

Rio Bravo (1959 dir. Howard Hawks)

Managed by grizzled alpha archetype, lads hanging out win squib-less gun battles.

3/5

The Seven Year Itch (1955 dir. Billy Wilder)

Idiot discovers psychological term for severe blue balls case brought on by encounter with worldclass skirt.

3/5

Sunset Boulevard (1950 dir. Billy Wilder)

Lack of Heat magazine coverage leads to the gunning down of Wild Bunch supervisor by old Hollywood crow type.

4/5

The 400 Blows (Les Quatre Cents Coups) (1959 dir. Francois Truffaut)

Not unlike a black and white Ferris Bueller’s Day Off underpinned by French poverty.

4/5