Hellraiser (1987 dir. Clive Barker)

A living human anatomy textbook tries to bond with sister-in-law.

3/5

Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

From Beyond (1986 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Like a far less pleasant Matrix, with neon.

3/5

Angel Heart (1987 dir. Alan Parker)

Nightmare visions bring fuck session to an abrupt end.

3/5

Heartburn (1986 dir. Mike Nichols)

Boring life leads to boring biopic.

1/5

Nuts (1987 dir. Martin Ritt)

Slick lawyer helps mental fuck seller deliver exposition in court.

3/5

Stakeout (1987 dir. John Badham)

Two cops with matching moustaches indulge in branded foods.

2/5

The Great Outdoors (1988 dir. Howard Deutch)

Two overweight men from different social classes bond over impending poverty.

2/5

City Of The Living Dead (1980 dir. Lucio Fulci)

The killing of religious manager brings peace to mankind in atheist wetdream.

2/5

Demons 2 (1986 dir. Lamberto Bava)

Slop-filled metaphor for how TV turns society into unthinking, violent drones.

2/5

Demons (1985 dir. Lamberta Bava)

Muck-filled metaphor for the (literal) death of cinema audiences at the hands of digital media.

3/5

The Black Cat (1981 dir. Lucio Fulci)

Like the Whiskers ad from hell set in a Kinks single.

2/5

Year Of The Dragon (1985 dir. Michael Cimino)

Chinamen summarise plot points and character traits constantly during business meetings.

3/5

Hoosiers (1986 dir. Anspaugh)

Outsider wins over slightly hostile Christian farmers and bags slightly hostile skirt using basketball strategy.

2/5

Blind Date (1987 dir. Blake Edwards)

Initial satire on corporate success gives way to obviously stund-doubled slapstick.

3/5

Empire Of The Sun (1987 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Atom bomb nearly used as metaphor for the onset of teen masturbation.

3/5

Colors (1988 dir. Dennis Hopper)

Two cops make countless blacks get on their knees with their hands behind their heads.

2/5

Dragnet (1987 dir. Tom Mankiewicz)

Foreheaded detective spouts law codes very quickly in the name of comedy.

2/5

Mississippi Burning (1988 dir. Alan Parker)

Building and contents insurance premiums rocket due to gospel music and arson.

2/5

Always (1989 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Pilot increases his lady’s fuckability tenfold before being blown to pieces.

2/5

The Blues Brothers (1980 dir. John Landis)

God-fearing socialists in funeral gear destroy countless icons of capitalism in the name of dated music.

3/5

Prizzi’s honor (1985 dir. John Huston)

Hitman must face a lifetime of doing his own hoovering and washing up due to blood oath.

3/5

Bad Boys (1983 dir. Rick Rosenthal)

Long-haired delinquent helps Jewish room mate develop lung cancer.

3/5

 

Witness (1985 dir. Peter Weir)

Han Solo enjoys hanging out with non shavers.

2/5

My Stepmother Is An Alien (1988 dir. Richard Benjamin)

Cellestial slut learns about Earth through mediocre pop culture.

1/5