Zodiac (2007 dir. David Fincher)

Ensemble cast seek violent scribbler in a mustard-coloured world.

4/5

Something’s Gotta Give (2003 dir. Nancy Meyers)

Perennial skirt-bagger swaps young, sexy, fun-loving fanny for haggered, complex, emotionally-scarred fanny.

3/5

Lucky Number Slevin (2006 dir. Paul McGuigan)

Ensemble cast wasted at the expense of coolness.

2/5

On The Nose (2001 dir. David Caffrey)

Screenplay caught red-handed delivering lines from better films to disguise own ineptitude.

1/5

Broken (2006 dir. Simon Boyes)

Eccentric enslaves women at campsite in possible Playboy Mansion competitor start-up.

1/5

Animal Factory (2000 dir. Steve Buscemi)

Legendary chin is forced to eat own defecation to reunite with younger look-a-like.

2/5

Brokeback Mountain (2005 dir. Ang Lee)

To keep hypothermia and boredom at bay, two simpletons conduct sympathetic cowboy butt sex.

3/5

Merantau (2009 dir. Gareth Evans)

A young peasant combats reaches adulthood by breaking countless knee and shoulder joints.

3/5

The Pledge (2001 dir. Sean Penn)

Whilst surrounded by uglies, legendary actor attempts to avoid looking bored.

2/5

The Promotion (2008 dir. Steven Conrad)

Middle managers make life slightly difficult for each other in the pursuit of one shit job.

2/5

Edmond (2005 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Like a darker Falling Down, with fuckseller negotiations.

3/5

Ong Bak (2003 dir. Prachya Pinkaew)

Peasant kick boxer defeats several opponents outside of his weight category.

3/5

 

 

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Charming update of Pinocchio, with man-whoring and neon lights.

3/5

Cast Away (2000 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

A charming tale of romance between bearded addict of coconuts and bloodied volleyball.

3/5

The Whole Nine Yards (2000 dir. Jonathan Lynn)

Friends legend does slapstick for food.

2/5

Collateral (2004 dir. Michael Mann)

Taxi Driver, minus pimp genocide, goes all Rear Window in act three.

4/5

Anger Management (2003 dir. Peter Segal)

Like The Game, with mildly amusing comedy skits.

2/5

Poseidon (2006 dir. Wolfgang Petersen)

Like a snappier Titanic, with wider camera lenses.

3/5

Firewall (2006 dir. Richard Loncraine)

Like a toned down Die Hard with 10% of the stunt budget.

2/5

Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007 dir Sidney Lumet)

Blubber man fails to retain teets of women many times out of his league.

3/5

Insomnia (2002 dir. Christopher Nolan)

Like a more pleasant Seven, minus bricks.

3/5

About Schmidt (2002 dir. Alexander Payne)

Old timer has lowkey encounter with jacuzzi udders in lowkey roadtrip drama.

3/5

Bride Wars (2009 dir. Gary Winick)

Two women with no redeeming features compete to waste the most money.

1/5

Taken (2008 dir. Pierre Morel)

To save his daughter from fuck sellers, big Irish destroys countless throats and shoulder sockets in France.

3/5

Half Nelson (2006 dir. Ryan Fleck)

A young African American alters her hairstyle depending on which ethnicity she associates with.

3/5