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Firewall (2006 dir. Richard Loncraine)

24 Sep

Like a toned down Die Hard with 10% of the stunt budget.

2/5

Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007 dir Sidney Lumet)

12 Sep

Blubber man fails to retain teets of women many times out of his league.

3/5

Insomnia (2002 dir. Christopher Nolan)

3 Sep

Like a more pleasant Seven, minus bricks.

3/5

About Schmidt (2002 dir. Alexander Payne)

2 Sep

Old timer has lowkey encounter with jacuzzi udders in lowkey roadtrip drama.

3/5

Bride Wars (2009 dir. Gary Winick)

12 Aug

Two women with no redeeming features compete to waste the most money.

1/5

Taken (2008 dir. Pierre Morel)

29 Jul

To save his daughter from fuck sellers, big Irish destroys countless throats and shoulder sockets in France.

3/5

Half Nelson (2006 dir. Ryan Fleck)

26 Jul

A young African American alters her hairstyle depending on which ethnicity she associates with.

3/5

Wolf Creek (2005 dir. Greg Mclean)

22 Jul

A conservative look at the mating rituals of the rural Australian male.

3/5

Maid in Manhattan (2002 dir. Wayne Wang)

17 Jul

Regular intercourse with wealthy white changes the lives of the ethnic poor.

2/5

The Prestige (2006 dir. Christopher Nolan)

16 Jul

Two cockneys outdo dozens of non-cockneys in trickery.

3/5

Closer (2004 dir. Mike Nichols)

3 Jul

Two guys and two girls fall instantly in love and all fuck each other.

3/5

Sideways (2004 dir. Alexander Payne)

30 Jun

Fuck addict and scribbler prove that nice guys really do finish last.

3/5

Memoirs Of A Geisha (2005 dir. Rob Marshall)

24 Jun

Auction for waitress’ prized fuckhole postponed due to WWII.

2/5

The Pianist (2002 dir. Roman Polanski)

23 Jun

Excessively nostrilled musician gets evicted several times.

4/5

Battlefield Earth (2000 dir. Roger Christian)

22 Jun

Several film careers face obliteration due to bickering and dreadlocks.

1/5

The Queen (2006 dir. Stephen Frears)

21 Jun

Grinning future warlord persuades multi-millionairres to cut short their holiday.

3/5

Ghosts of Mars (2001 dir. John Carpenter)

13 Jun

Like Zulu with redder sets.

2/5

Punch-Drunk Love (2002 dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

14 May

A premium fuck chat leads to increased car insurance for aggressive CEO.

3/5

Bronson (2008 dir. Nicolas Winding Refn)

11 May

Surreal tale charts Inception carrot-dicked gent’s parcipitation in world’s worst dance floor in mental asylum.

2/5

Tell No One (2006 dir. Guillaume Canet)

7 May

Demented Dad goes to great lenghts to ensure daughter’s life remains fuck free.

3/5

Adulthood (2008 dir. Noel Clarke)

1 May

Same as Kidulthood, with slightly more punches and kicks to abdomens.

2/5

A Prophet (2009 dir. Jacques Audiard)

30 Apr

Like a French Shawshank Redemption, with more arterial blood spurts and less personal shopping.

5/5

Damage (2009 dir. Jeff King)

15 Apr

Intrigued by the prospect of big bucks and beating men at events attended by two dozen people, pro wrestler dispatches opponents with extremely unconvincing fight sequences.

2/5

Four Christmases (2008 dir. Seth Gordon)

14 Apr

Safe couple bring positives and negatives to four broken American mid-west households in December.

2/5

Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past (2009 dir. Mark Waters)

12 Apr

Dickens ideas duplicated to drive sales of cheap DVDs forward.

1/5

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