The Last Stand (2013 dir. Jee-woon Kim)

Antique Austrian defends all-American town from immigrant labour.

2/5

John Carter (2012 dir. Andrew Stanton)

Athletic longhair must fight for tribesmen to prevent a gang rape.

2/5

Last Action Hero (1993 dir. John McTiernan)

In mocking crap action films, action auteurs make a crap action film.

2/5

American Pie: Reunion (2012 dir. Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg)

Actors glad of the work evoke nostalgia in a world where all girls blossom to become hot sluts.

2/5

Fortress (1992 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Tory social and privatisation policies realised in a future of stomach aches.

2/5

Grifters (1990 dir. Stephen Frears)

Two similarly-styled sluts seek affection from an 80s heart throb.

2/5

ParaNorman (2012 dir. Sam Fell & Chris Butler)

The Sixth Sense merges with Night of The Living Dead in Jew-voiced town.

2/5

Red Dawn (2012 dir. Dan Bradley)

Corporate fast food helps all-American sports fans defeat communism.

2/5

The Missouri Breaks (1976 dir. Arthur Penn)

Mega thesps wasted in the name of horse economics.

2/5

Battleship (2012 dir. Peter Berg)

To win over future father-in-law, douchebag must save the world from bar rock and the full force of ILM hard drives.

2/5

Celtic Pride (1996 dir. Tom DeCerchio)

A week in the life of the most intelligent sports fans committed to celluloid.

2/5

Lucky Number Slevin (2006 dir. Paul McGuigan)

Ensemble cast wasted at the expense of coolness.

2/5

Another Stakeout (1993 dir. John Badham)

The longterm friendship between two cops nearly implodes over moustache genocide and lack of sleep.

2/5

Stakeout (1987 dir. John Badham)

Two cops with matching moustaches indulge in branded foods.

2/5

Death Becomes Her (1992 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

Two tarts go to great lenghts to maintain fuckability as Night of The Living Dead collides with Max Factor.

2/5

The Great Outdoors (1988 dir. Howard Deutch)

Two overweight men from different social classes bond over impending poverty.

2/5

Coneheads (1993 dir. Steve Barron)

Fanged Ghostbuster pokes fun at Republican immigration political ideology.

2/5

City Of The Living Dead (1980 dir. Lucio Fulci)

The killing of religious manager brings peace to mankind in atheist wetdream.

2/5

Demons 2 (1986 dir. Lamberto Bava)

Slop-filled metaphor for how TV turns society into unthinking, violent drones.

2/5

The Black Cat (1981 dir. Lucio Fulci)

Like the Whiskers ad from hell set in a Kinks single.

2/5

My Own Private Idaho (1991 dir. Gus Van Sant)

Dead heart throb sells arse and dick, then falls asleep, in several cities.

2/5

Animal Factory (2000 dir. Steve Buscemi)

Legendary chin is forced to eat own defecation to reunite with younger look-a-like.

2/5

That’s My Boy (2012 dir. Sean Anders)

Deadbeat Jew makes friends and influences people using beer marketing slogan.

2/5

Regarding Henry (1991 dir. Mike Nichols)

Like the origin story of the world’s worst superhero – RITZ CRACKERS MAN.

2/5

Lansky (1999 dir. John McNaughton)

The changing of ages and actors of characters every ten minutes makes narrative difficult to follow.

2/5