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The Last Stand (2013 dir. Jee-woon Kim)

15 May

Antique Austrian defends all-American town from immigrant labour.

2/5

IMDB

John Carter (2012 dir. Andrew Stanton)

12 May

Athletic longhair must fight for tribesmen to prevent a gang rape.

2/5

IMDB

Last Action Hero (1993 dir. John McTiernan)

11 May

In mocking crap action films, action auteurs make a crap action film.

2/5

IMDB

American Pie: Reunion (2012 dir. Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg)

9 May

Actors glad of the work evoke nostalgia in a world where all girls blossom to become hot sluts.

2/5

IMDB

Fortress (1992 dir. Stuart Gordon)

28 Apr

Tory social and privatisation policies realised in a future of stomach aches.

2/5

IMDB

Grifters (1990 dir. Stephen Frears)

21 Apr

Two similarly-styled sluts seek affection from an 80s heart throb.

2/5

IMDB

ParaNorman (2012 dir. Sam Fell & Chris Butler)

11 Apr

The Sixth Sense merges with Night of The Living Dead in Jew-voiced town.

2/5

IMDB

Red Dawn (2012 dir. Dan Bradley)

6 Apr

Corporate fast food helps all-American sports fans defeat communism.

2/5

IMDB

The Missouri Breaks (1976 dir. Arthur Penn)

16 Mar

Mega thesps wasted in the name of horse economics.

2/5

IMDB

Battleship (2012 dir. Peter Berg)

7 Mar

To win over future father-in-law, douchebag must save the world from bar rock and the full force of ILM hard drives.

2/5

IMDB

Celtic Pride (1996 dir. Tom DeCerchio)

6 Mar

A week in the life of the most intelligent sports fans committed to celluloid.

2/5

IMDB

Lucky Number Slevin (2006 dir. Paul McGuigan)

5 Mar

Ensemble cast wasted at the expense of coolness.

2/5

IMDB

Another Stakeout (1993 dir. John Badham)

25 Feb

The longterm friendship between two cops nearly implodes over moustache genocide and lack of sleep.

2/5

IMDB

Stakeout (1987 dir. John Badham)

24 Feb

Two cops with matching moustaches indulge in branded foods.

2/5

IMDB

Death Becomes Her (1992 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

15 Feb

Two tarts go to great lenghts to maintain fuckability as Night of The Living Dead collides with Max Factor.

2/5

IMDB

The Great Outdoors (1988 dir. Howard Deutch)

14 Feb

Two overweight men from different social classes bond over impending poverty.

2/5

IMDB

Coneheads (1993 dir. Steve Barron)

13 Feb

Fanged Ghostbuster pokes fun at Republican immigration political ideology.

2/5

IMDB

City Of The Living Dead (1980 dir. Lucio Fulci)

12 Feb

The killing of religious manager brings peace to mankind in atheist wetdream.

2/5

IMDB

Demons 2 (1986 dir. Lamberto Bava)

11 Feb

Slop-filled metaphor for how TV turns society into unthinking, violent drones.

2/5

IMDB

The Black Cat (1981 dir. Lucio Fulci)

9 Feb

Like the Whiskers ad from hell set in a Kinks single.

2/5

IMDB

My Own Private Idaho (1991 dir. Gus Van Sant)

2 Feb

Dead heart throb sells arse and dick, then falls asleep, in several cities.

2/5

IMDB

Animal Factory (2000 dir. Steve Buscemi)

1 Feb

Legendary chin is forced to eat own defecation to reunite with younger look-a-like.

2/5

IMDB

That’s My Boy (2012 dir. Sean Anders)

30 Jan

Deadbeat Jew makes friends and influences people using beer marketing slogan.

2/5

IMDB

Regarding Henry (1991 dir. Mike Nichols)

27 Jan

Like the origin story of the world’s worst superhero – RITZ CRACKERS MAN.

2/5

IMDB

Lansky (1999 dir. John McNaughton)

20 Jan

The changing of ages and actors of characters every ten minutes makes narrative difficult to follow.

2/5

IMDB

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