Cloud Atlas (2012 dir. Lana & Andy Wachowski and Tom Tykwer)

A spiritual game of ‘spot the actor’ across three centuries/hours.

3/5

Hellraiser (1987 dir. Clive Barker)

A living human anatomy textbook tries to bond with sister-in-law.

3/5

Jeff, Who Lives At Home (2011 dir. Jay & Mark Duplass)

Tubby Christ figure evokes miracles for blood relatives only.

3/5

Iron Man Three (2013 dir. Shane Black)

The war on terror as played out in George W. Bush’s brain during the final quarter of 2001.

3/5

Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

Beasts Of The Southern Wild (2012 dir. Benh Zeitlin)

A blurry look through innocent eyes at the creation of Maury Povich guests.

3/5

From Beyond (1986 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Like a far less pleasant Matrix, with neon.

3/5

Ruby Sparks (2012 dir. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris)

Perennial beta male proves that the perfect woman doesn’t exist.

3/5

Angel Heart (1987 dir. Alan Parker)

Nightmare visions bring fuck session to an abrupt end.

3/5

Le Déjeuner Sur L’herbe (1959 dir. Jean Renoir)

The world’s greatest scientist nearly loses his mind over peasant girl’s fuckhole.

3/5

Hoffa (1992 dir. Danny DeVito)

Well-nosed thesp unites Daily Mirror readers against Daily Telegraph readers.

3/5

Killing Them Softly (2012 dir. Andrew Dominik)

A stylish look at gunshot wounds and Obama’s rise to power.

3/5

Bitter Moon (1992 dir. Roman Polanski)

The tragic tale of a man with bad teeth unable to bone his young lover.

3/5

Something’s Gotta Give (2003 dir. Nancy Meyers)

Perennial skirt-bagger swaps young, sexy, fun-loving fanny for haggered, complex, emotionally-scarred fanny.

3/5

La Bête Humaine (1938 dir. Jean Renoir)

High maintenance female prefers lovers who have committed violent murder.

3/5

The Hurricane (1999 dir. Norman Jewison)

Outclassed supporting cast prove slugger-turned-scribbler’s innocence using post-it-note montages.

3/5

Toni (1935 dir Jean Renoir)

Hard graft leaves non-actor lonely, poor and with severe blue balls.

3/5

Nuts (1987 dir. Martin Ritt)

Slick lawyer helps mental fuck seller deliver exposition in court.

3/5

Demons (1985 dir. Lamberta Bava)

Muck-filled metaphor for the (literal) death of cinema audiences at the hands of digital media.

3/5

Braindead (1992 dir. Peter Jackson)

Ethnic retail assistant realises mummy’s boy is man of her dreams after he reduces party guests to pulped trifle.

3/5

Submarine (2010 dir. Richard Ayoade)

Two generations of beta males fail with women.

3/5

Point Break (1991 dir. Kathryn Bigelow)

Young cop with bad knees has loyalty split between obnoxious surfers and obnoxious lawmen.

3/5

Mad Max (1979 dir. George Miller)

Australians pay little heed to highway code or loss of no claims bonuses.

3/5

Brokeback Mountain (2005 dir. Ang Lee)

To keep hypothermia and boredom at bay, two simpletons conduct sympathetic cowboy butt sex.

3/5

Merantau (2009 dir. Gareth Evans)

A young peasant combats reaches adulthood by breaking countless knee and shoulder joints.

3/5