Spartacus (1960 dir. Stanley Kubrick)

Christ-like slave with perfect teeth and modern haircut inspires ancestors of Daily Mirror readers to brutal deaths.

5/5

Once Upon A Time In The West (1968 dir. Sergio Leone)

Murderers sporting various lengths of facial hair look to invest in property.

5/5

A Prophet (2009 dir. Jacques Audiard)

Like a French Shawshank Redemption, with more arterial blood spurts and less personal shopping.

5/5

Chinatown (1974 dir. Roman Polanski)

Yet again, titted half of Bonnie & Clyde gets blown away in ancient automobile.

5/5

Drive (2011 dir. Nicolas Winding Refn)

Long-named director answers the question: ‘what would Taxi Driver have been like in the 80s?’

5/5

12 Angry Men (1957 dir. Sydney Lumet)

A dozen sweating caucasians do some serious supposing without air conditioning.

5/5

Jurassic Park (1993 dir. Steven Spielberg)

Biological tinkering by posh demigod leads to the butchering of evil Seinfeld postman.

5/5

JFK (1991 dir. Oliver Stone)

By watching non-widescreen footage, ensemble cast attempt to work out exactly who blew Irish-American president’s brains the fuck out of his skull in luxury vehicle.

5/5

Amadeus (1984)

Two effeminate men try to out-do one another in the production of annoying music to appease Ferris Bueller nemesis.

5/5

Brief Encounter (1945)

Miseryguts recounts interim snogfests with English 40s gent type, as Casablanca collides with the Piccadilly line.

5/5

Schindler’s List (1993)

Factory general manager struggles to meet production targets due to particularly strong union interference.

5/5

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (1966)

After initially falling out, ethnically mismatched sureshot duo enjoy action-packed, but poorly dubbed, caper.

5/5

Shadow Of A Doubt (1943)

In a picturesque, ordered suburb, man and neice battle to say own name more times than the other.

5/5

Citizen Kane (1941)

Despite talking irritatingly loud at all times, shadowy newspaper seller enjoys loyal staff members for life.

5/5

Die Hard (1988)

Managing Director of Aryan robbers fails to inspire festive cheer by reading Christmas message from elevator carcass.

5/5

The Wild Bunch (1969)

Sympathetic villains avenge Hispanic torture whilst being pursued by thieves of footwear.

5/5

Stand By Me (1986)

Persued by a teenage Jack Bauer, four all-American pre-pubescents discuss tits and cartoons in the woods.

5/5

The Hurt Locker (2008)

Marines demand care-package reward for absorbing desert 2-kill streak.

5/5

Annie Hall (1977)

Bespectacled gagster relishes in breaking all known rules of cinema.

5/5

The Shining (1980)

Attention-starved child ruins winter getaway for parents by correctly predicting slaughter.

5/5

Manhattan (1979)

City tourist board commercial gets hijacked by irresistable Jewish archetype.

5/5

Once Upon A Time In America (1984)

Police are slow to answer catastrophic telephone call made by a reserved homicidal Jewish rapist.

5/5

This Is England (2006)

School-yard brawler becomes the most popular kid in town alongside eclectic soundtrack.

5/5

Rear Window (1954)

Biased reporter plays peek-a-boo with a savage widower.

5/5

The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

Eccentric painter grips FBI with joint anthropology/cookery lecture.

5/5