Please for the love of Christ check your CV several times, then have someone else check it several times, to ensure typos like this do not fall into an employer’s inbox:
“i am a fart learner, and punctual, i always take interest in the job that i do.”
Not even I can give a suggestion for giving the kiss of life back to your employability after you’ve done this kind of work:
“All aspects of funeral arranging including, transportation and presentation the of deceased, building the caskets”
People that succeed in sales are usually assertive, driven, dynamic and more often than not, operate with a slight air of cuntishness about them. Of course, they will be closing deals and increasing revenue at all times.
So what would a sales manager make of this segment of inspiration from a CV?
‘Negotiating prices – If a buyer didn’t like the price or if it was too high, i always went out of my way to lower the price for them’
Fucking brilliant. That behaviour can’t be too great for revenue targets.
What do employers want to see on a CV? Skills, experience, achievements… you know, things that may make you stand out in the candidate market.
They won’t want to see this sort of thing:
‘Smoking: I smoke’
Fucking splendid. So you’re telling companies that you’ll spend around half an hour less than everyone else in the office each day as you’ll be out on cigarette breaks. Do make sure your phone’s on the hook for all those calls to interview.
A delightful bit under the ever entertaining interests section of a CV from a young hopeful:
‘Although I am not an avid supporter of football, I do suffer from time to time, the trauma of travelling all the way to Motherwell to see my friend play on his home turf’
Seriously why put yourself through the travel and despair of watching a shit football team in the cold when you’re not even a fan of the sport? There are so many better things to do on a weekend, for example doing nothing at all.
Again, remember the interests section on a CV is there as the final selling opportunity for you as a potential employee.
Never forget this, lest you end up with this kind of thing making you repellant to only a few firms:
‘Gaming has always been a huge part of my life. I currently own most consoles including retro as well as new, and I can adapt to most game styles as my collection of games include at least three games from each game genre’
Yes, we all enjoy the odd round of Call of Duty from time to time but will never discuss it whilst job hunting.
From the education section of a CV:
‘GSCE Physical Education – Grade G‘
How does one get a grade so low in that subject, sit on the fucking floor rocking back and forth during the practical exam?
I actually like it and recommend that under each company on the CV you include a line about what the firm does and how large it is. This saves the recruiter having to Google a load of things to make sure you’ve got the clout and industry experience to be considered for their role.
But use some fucking common sense here. Don’t insult the employer’s intelligence by stating the fucking obvious if the firms happen to be global mega corporations on every high street in the UK:
‘Tesco is a large supermarket chain that supplies food and drink and many products and services to the nation
McDonalds is an international fast food restaurant and takeaway outlet.’
From the interests section at the end of a CV:
‘In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, listening to music, watching television and occasionally going out during the evening with friends.’
Fucking brilliant, if the employer is looking for a recluse.
From a career history on a CV:
’2009 I was Holidays in Abroad back to learn world cultures and adventure’
I can say with confidence that an in-house recruiter who has to wade through an ocean of crap CVs in a stuffy office day in day out does not want to know about you living the high life. Puting ‘career break’ or ‘travel’ would have been fine in this instance.
What’s even worse is the fact that you’ve also demonstrated the literacy aptitude of a five year old.
From the interest section of a CV:
‘listen to 70s and 80s rock music.’
You’re not in a pub discussing bands with your mates. Keep it vague on a CV at all times.
I realise that when creating your first email address to share with your friends, having something silly can be quite amusing and helps retain a sense of individuality amongst the group.
But fucking hell what impression does this sort of thing, including text talk, give to an employer when they see it on a CV?
‘H1_Ladz@………….‘
I really cannot emphasise enough the care needed in how much detail you put under your personal interests at the bottom of a CV. Some employers read all the way to the bottom you know.
If you must, ‘role playing games’ would have sufficed here:
‘I enjoy a wide variety of music, the arts and sci-fi and fantasy literature. I have guided small groups of adventurers through some of the more dangerous areas of Azeroth.’
Very few employers are looking to hire a David Brent figure, especially an evangelical one, so avoid puting statements like this on a CV:
‘I am an enjoyable character who brings a joy to the office by the grace of Jesus Christ.’
The CV should be written for as wide an audience, so never assume that the employer has been on the same cutting edge training course as you, or is reading the same quirky American self-help books.
So with the following sentence, modify it accordingly if you mean to say you can develop business relationships and open up new prospects with solid cold calling skills:
‘Strong “farmer/nurturer” & “hunter/gatherer” skills with a variety of client personalities’
The CV should always have a positive, almost bragging tone to it. Negative talk is a big no no.
So avoid sentences like this at all costs:
‘Never get depressed due to failure ‘
I’ve said it countless times but always ensure you have a seperate professional email address for puting on CVs and corresponding with potential employers, if your personal one is idiotic.
This one just makes you look unemployable, despite having superb taste in cinema:
‘ghostbusters_43@……..’
I’m all for bragging on a CV; afterall, it is supposed to sell your skills and experience to an employer.
Caution though – what you consider a worthwhile life-affirming achievement may come across as pathetic to someone else:
‘‘I had a top 100 hit’’
Never come across as racist on a CV.
Fucking hell, this isn’t the 1960s and we are not in the deep south of America. Have someone review your application before it’s submitted if you’re too stupid to phrase things appropriately:
‘…where I have been working with members of the public and socially excluded groups of people including ethnic minorities and the long term unemployed of all ages ‘
Sometimes, I believe CVs were written to test me in the same way a religious person may think famine or war is a test for them.
When I saw the mess below, I had to wonder which one of the bullet points was actually the odd one out for a few seconds before deciding it was point five.
1 Cleaning
2 Clecting glass’s
3 Severing
4 I’m trust worthy
5 Intelect
Most people in Britain live a fairly mundane existence, so it’s unusual for CVs to contain any decent hobbies or extra curricular activities, not least amateur film production.
If you’re acting in front your mate’s camcorder though, avoid going into quite as much detail on your character’s little nuances though because it won’t help your prospects of employment on bit:
‘I play a cocky troublemaking chav, instigating trouble and baring witness to a murder.’
I can’t emphasise enough the importance of taking a few seconds to check over your spelling on a CV. If in doubt, have someone with a few working brain cells take a look; there’s no shame in it.
That way you’ll probably avoid the embarrassment of stating that one of your old jobs was as a ‘crap fisherman‘.
Either your spelling is fucked, or you just lack self esteem and aren’t selling yourself too well.
Sadly, life deals us a cruel hand from time to time, which can make certain elements on a CV look a bit suspect.
Having said that, always think carefully about how you phrase these tragedies on your job applications:
‘I done well in my Year 9 SATS and was in top set all though High School but I have crap grades because i hardly sat any exams due to a motorcycle accident which I can prove happened.’
From a field-based retail worker:
‘The Stores I visited were Glasgow to Plymouth and then Newcastle in that order – As you can see I enjoy driving.’
And as you can see, probably never looked at a fucking map in his life either. What a waste of petrol expenses that little adventure must have been.
