CV Tip #92 (Magnifying glass)

Know what I like more than trying to read a crap CV with font size 9 text?

Fucking italic font size 9 of course.

Thanks for making the decision not to progress your application even easier.

CV Tip #70 (Casablanca)

Could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, when you’ve worked at McDonald’s and have ‘Gained customer staff relationship‘?

Funnily enough, when I order fast food from my local McDonald’s, I’m usually keen to get the hell out of that dump as soon as possible. The last thing I want is to forge a fucking relationship of any kind with the guy that’s just cooked my Big Mac.

CV Tip #39 (Deeply Dippy)

‘The interviews i do for the online music magazine is also a great hobbie and I have chance to interview some great people my favourite interviews so far are Right Said Fred, Adam Ant and BoB’

Fucking brilliant and relevant.

If those were the best then I’d hate to see the worst. Also, how in the name of Christ did you get any journalism work with that level of writing skill?

CV Tip #69 (DJ Talent)

Again, spelling is key and that goes for typos a well, little slips of the finger when typing out a CV on a word processing device.

Pay attention. I know that the last word here on a candidate’s interests section was supposed to be golf but it still left me, the recruiter, with a ludicrous mental image:

‘Swimming, fishing, gold‘

CV Tip #138 (Ron Jeremy)

I’m rarely surprised by what I see on CVs now.

This, however, was an exception:

‘As a male of relatively high testosterone levels for my age, I feel that a job as an adult movie actor would appeal to me.’

That’s a pretty big elephant in the room right there.

CV Tip #62 (Cookery)

At the end of a CV: ‘I enjoy cooking a wide range of foods from foods with spice to food with dye’s.’

Yeah. Some employers will certainly not consider you if you can’t use dye to cook food with. It would have been better to leave it at simply ‘cooking’.

CV Tip #27 (Unemployablepedia)

Your CV should always be written in the present first person tense.

Don’t write ‘he swam competitively and won awards…’

You’re not writing your fucking wikipedia page just yet.

CV Tip #76 (Confucius)

Philosophy is best left to the great minds that have gifted us with their wisdom, whose poignant and enlightening words will be forever referenced in the history books for the greater good of the people.

A CV is the last place for such musings, especially if written in fucking capital letters with grammatical mistakes:

‘I AM A VERY SIMPLE MAN AND MY MOTTO IS SIMPLE TOO. WORK AND LIVE FAIRLY, THAT IS ALL WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR LONG TERM.’

CV Tip #33 (When can we eat?)

From the opening statement on a CV: ‘I am looking to lunch in the public sector job.’

Apart from the disappointing use of the Queen’s English, you shouldn’t already appear to be thinking about your fucking snack breaks even before bagging an interview.

CV Tip #23 (War is hell)

Having a bit of drive is great, and will ensure you can meet challenging situations head on to deliver results.

Be careful how you phrase that point though because the following is a bit melodramatic:

‘Able to work as a part of a team member and as well battle with target.’

CV Tip #52 (Sunday School)

When wrapping up a CV, pay close heed to the order of activities listed in your interests, lest you leave some interesting images in the recruiter’s mind:

‘…other interests, church, Christianity, The Bible, motocross and enduro-rally…’

CV Tip #79 (Media Studies)

‘Reading the newspaper’.

Avoid puting this under hobbies and interests, unless the employer is specifically looking for a sadsack to fill their vacancy.

CV Tip #89 (A word to the wise)

Think very carefully before puting an email address like a variation of wise_n_wise@… especially if your last employer was the fucking Pound Shop.

In 2009.

CV Tip #44 (Jackanory)

Even stating at the end of a CV that you like reading fiction books is pretty sad.

So for the love of fucking Christ do not under any circumstances say you like reading ‘story books‘.

CV Tip #86 (Great works of fiction)

‘My reading is not just limited to fictional books‘

Fucking brilliant. I’d love to know how one goes about reading a book that doesn’t exist.

It’s a shame one of the books in your extensive library isn’t the Oxford English Dictionary – that way you’d learn the difference between the word ‘fictional’ and ‘fiction’.

CV Tip #74 (Tiger Woods)

No need to state your specific golf handicap on a CV – it’s entirely fucking irrelevant.

CV Tip #55 (Before Christ?)

The funny thing about living in the 21st century is that we no longer as a society punish people by crucifiction. It’s little things like this that keep reminding us we’re not living in Biblical times anymore.

So on a CV there is absolutely no need to write ‘A.D.‘ after every fucking year of employment history.

CV Tip #4 (Dawn Of The Dead)

Working in a fast food establishment is pretty much the kiss of death for your employability if stated on a CV, but well done for scraping some positives out of the despair:

‘This allowed me to become skilled at dealing with large quantities of hungry customers face to face during the lunch time rush hour.’

CV Tip #95 (Autopsy)

‘Practical skills – full human body dissection.’

It’s generally a good idea to tailor a CV to a specific role or business area. Why include the above on what is essentially an application for a fucking call center position?

CV Tip #15 (First loser)

A snippet from a gentleman’s stint in telesales:

‘I once came second in a competition to see who could sell the most products in a week, with the winner being awarded with a holiday.’

Fucking brilliant. What else have you not achieved in life? Winning the lottery? Getting your dick wet by a broad from The Only Way Is Essex? Playing for England in the World Cup? Irrelevant information for a potential employer to look over will only wind them up.

CV Tip #35 (Jackie Chan)

Stating ‘I like to run and play Kung Fu twice a week’ at the end of a CV is a very poor choice of words.

CV Tip #18 (Oxford or Cambridge?)

It’s a joy to see the British educational system winning the fight against illiteracy and ignorance, equipping the iPad generation with the tools they need to keep this great nation at the forefront of global economics.

So this sort of sentence on a CV really fucks me off:

’4 G.C.S.E at grade D – E’

Fucking brilliant. You might as well state that you don’t have any intelligence whatsoever and that your entire school tenure was a waste of everyone’s time and money.

CV Tip #20 (Greatest fascist dictator)

In this day and age, being able to influence with the written and spoken word is a commendable string to your bow.

On the flipside, stating on a CV that you are ‘recognised for having powerful communication skills’ is a bit too much.

CV Tip #64 (The Shining)

When you’re writing a CV, bare in mind your own understanding of the language at hand, or at least get it checked afterwards by someone with a working brain.

Then you won’t have a line like this at the end of your CV: ‘My psychic and physical endurance is high.’

CV Tip #67 (Ta da!)

Always strive for a more professional email address than a variation of ITS_SHOWTIME@…

Is it showtime? Is it? Or will you just be hacking your way through cigarette butts and empty Big Mac cartons to get to the Job Center entrance on Monday morning like every other fucking week?