MySpace Shit – Marlon Brando

The Godfather and present-day bloater.

“I’ll give them a record deal they can’t refuse.”

Searches (click the photos to visit the sites!):

1. Two Step With Marlon Brando. Pop punk / rock / 2 step from New Jersey.

Will they use the 'Let It Be' chord progression?

Nothing like a bit of shitty pop-punk to get things going. In terms of keeping in time with each other, these kids are in about as good a shape as Katie Price’s labia, though the sloppiness does add a certain charm to the archetypal nice-guy pussyfied musings. They remind me a tad of very early Lillingtons, minus the sci-fi references. I hope they realise the pop-punk dream of puting out a couple of shoddy releases on a record label no one cares about before accidentally stumbling upon the Replacements and then dismissing their stupidly-named group as simply ‘finding themselves’.

2. Marlon Brando. Rap / hip hop / R&B from California.

Modesty

There’s nothing worse in my opinion than music like this – moderatly popular, nice-sounding hip-hop with no swearing, no references to automatic weaponry and certainly no childish dick metaphors. Though looking at this chap’s press photos, and listening to his beats, it’s no wonder there isn’t much bragging going on. This lacks the kind of gentle humour and memorable lyrics that made early NWA compositions such a joy to behold, and for these reasons, it should be avoided at all costs.

3. Marlon Brando, Pocahontas & Me. Pop / down tempo / electroacoustic from New York.

Get on with it

It’s hard to do any MySpace searches without uncovering at least one lone dork, recording safe music from his bedroom. Look at the photo. Just look at him, clutching the little hat that no doubt accompanied him to many a low-key emo show, whatever the weather. These songs would go down a storm with a crowd that can’t get enough of painfully slow, rambling nothingness.

MySpace Shit – Tim Robbins

He brought redemption to Shawshank.

He swam through a river of shit and came out the other end with a terrible album

 

Searches (click the photo to visit the page!):

Tim Robbins And The Rogues Gallery Band. Rock from the US of A.

Even the everyman enjoyed shitty songs

Only one search result, and it features the actual Tim Robbins. The Academy Award winning actor. I certainly wasn’t expecting that, and I certainly wasn’t expecting a man of Tim’s calibre as an artist to have gone into a recording studio and created such a monstrosity of arse. What you get are nine songs of painfully slow folky musings, with almost each one a staggering six minutes long.

This record is probably used on prisoners in Guantanamo Bay to escalate their torture, after being pissed on by American G.I.s for two years wasn’t enough to make them crack.

MySpace Shit – Clark Gable

Come on… ‘Gone With The Wind’.

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a fuck.''

 

Searches (click the photos to visit the pages!):

1. Clark Gable And The Gompers from Illinois.

Worthwhile

It’s a shame the moral decency of the state that housed so many of the wonderful pictures of John Hughes should be sullied by this monstrosity. Two bored emo dorks have taken the DIY punk ethic of ‘anyone can make music’ to the extreme here – yes, you don’t need to play a 10-minute guitar solo using a violin bow but you do need to at least play something vaguely coherent, and have a stab at singing or shouting. I’m just glad they only had the presence of mind to lay down one track. Also, the name would suggest at the very least, four members. There are actually only two members, therefore this even succeeds at irritating on a grammatical level, which is no mean feat.

2. Clark Gable. Experimental / rap from Iceland.

Too busy recording shit sounds to take a photo?

There’s nothing better to accompany the rituals of Glock polishing and 40oz supping than Icelandic rap with silly vocal effects. This sounds like Eazy E on helium, but with about 0.001% of the skillz. I was expecting so much more from an act that claims to be influenced by DJ Dick Dick. I will have to start describing myself as ‘a very man of steel’ though.

3. Clark Gable. Alternative from California.

???

Well this is certainly a good use of bandwidth – two songs called ‘Clark Gable’ recorded by established acts, one by Mos Deaf and the other by The Postal Service, and neither of them are any good.

4. Clark Gable. Electro from Michigan.

Effort

Astounding – it’s the same fucking song by The Postal Service again, and that’s it. I might as well say a few words about it, whilst it’s here. It’s whispery, wimpy disco-y indie hipstery bollocks that I’ve never much cared for.

MySpace Shit – James (Jimmy) Stuart

Perveyor of moral decency, a thoroughly swell all-American and frequent Hitchcock collaborator.

Searches (click the photos to visit the pages!):

1. James Stewart. Down tempo / melodramatic pop / pop from Cape Town

“What have I gone and done?” he seems to ask in this photo. “I’ve thrown my law career away in order to make music that very few people will ever want to listen to, let alone buy.”

You get two love-lorn pop ditties and neither one is particularly remarkable, not the music, the vocals and certainly not the song-writing. In my opinion this music is even too bland and meek for an episode of One Tree Hill – at least you know there were a few used all-American condoms behind those songs. He seems to have led a fulfilling music career, though I very much doubt with the songs on his MySpace page.

2. James Stewart. Hip hop / emo / rap from Los Angeles

Poorly-produced and out-of-time rapping doesn’t usually appeal to the masses, perhaps why the number of plays for the plethora of songs here barely reaches double figures. There’s also a few occasions when James has a stab at regular sing-songery, however I’d suggest that these moments require the gentler tones of generic female vocals.

3. James Stewart. Alternative / americana from Vermont

I can imagine this ploddy, safe all-American country music being played in the closing moments of a good old fashioned hoe-down, just for a calming effect. Think Shania Twain sung by a sleepy Mark Knopfler. He gives little away, has enjoyed very few plays and has even fewer MySpace friends. Perhaps puting ten songs up at once was too much for the public to handle? My advice would have been to gradually place them up over a few months, examine the interest, get some press out and put the most highly played out as promotional material to the media. Ten of these songs at once is too much excitement to take in.

4. James Stewart. Country / pop / rock from Victoria

Paragraphs be damned in James’ compelling biography, which would make an ideal John Grisham novel and is by far and away the most interesting thing about this MySpace page. This is all monotone vocals and clean, jangly soft rock guitars. There’s also ill-advised organs in there, which irritate rather than compell. I can deal with organs in ’70s hard rock or proto metal, but not with struggling (and I mean struggling) old codgers like this. One song also uses the ‘Let It Be’ chord progression – unforgivable.

5. The James Stewart Project. Acoustic / flamenco / indie from Michigan

You’re generally in trouble with ‘projects’ of individuals when it comes to music, and this selection has ‘support act’ written all over it. It’s rock though. Generic rock, but rock all the same. One of the songs actually had me nodding my head along to the stellar grooves, which I wasn’t expecting given the hilarious (and badly written) song titles.

6. James Stewart. R&B / christian from Florida

Because it’s Christian, I wasn’t expecting any references to night clubs or tits, but this is still perfectly competent none the less. I must confess to knowing diddly squat about modern R&B, let alone how to differentiate between great R&B and shitty R&B. Therefore, to be safe, I’ll just rate this as falling somewhere inbetween.