The Last Stand (2013 dir. Jee-woon Kim)

Antique Austrian defends all-American town from immigrant labour.

2/5

John Carter (2012 dir. Andrew Stanton)

Athletic longhair must fight for tribesmen to prevent a gang rape.

2/5

Last Action Hero (1993 dir. John McTiernan)

In mocking crap action films, action auteurs make a crap action film.

2/5

Death Warrant (1990 dir. Deran Sarafian)

Belgian face-kicker kicks faces to defend against organ donorship.

1/5

Red Dawn (2012 dir. Dan Bradley)

Corporate fast food helps all-American sports fans defeat communism.

2/5

Battleship (2012 dir. Peter Berg)

To win over future father-in-law, douchebag must save the world from bar rock and the full force of ILM hard drives.

2/5

Point Break (1991 dir. Kathryn Bigelow)

Young cop with bad knees has loyalty split between obnoxious surfers and obnoxious lawmen.

3/5

Mad Max (1979 dir. George Miller)

Australians pay little heed to highway code or loss of no claims bonuses.

3/5

Merantau (2009 dir. Gareth Evans)

A young peasant combats reaches adulthood by breaking countless knee and shoulder joints.

3/5

Lawless (2012 dir. John Hillcoat)

Various stars get their faces punched in the name of tramp juice.

3/5

Skyfall (2012 dir. Sam Mendes)

Bloody British gent makes life hell for bloody commuters on bloody London Underground.

3/5

Taken 2 (2012 dir. Olivier Megaton)

CIA man dispatches and endures commercially acceptable violence of men in drab leisure wear.

2/5

Shank (2010 dir. Mo Ali)

Like a feature length N Dubz video with even less narrative.

1/5

Bad Boys (1995 dir. Michael Bay)

Two stereotypes with near enough the exact same personality swap lives to solve a crime.

2/5

Heat (1995 dir. Michael Mann)

Shouty thesp ensures quiet thesp is adequately caffeinated for ultra violent bank robbery.

4/5

Ong Bak (2003 dir. Prachya Pinkaew)

Peasant kick boxer defeats several opponents outside of his weight category.

3/5

 

 

In The Line Of Fire (1993. Wolfgang Petersen)

Whilst several planes land, villain uses various all-American looks to evade capture.

3/5

Last Man Standing (1996 dir. Walter Hill)

With terrible hair piece in tow, Hollywood A-lister guns down B and C-listers in dirt town.

2/5

Waterworld (1995 dir. Kevin Reynolds)

Piss-drinker does battle with dystopian Marlborough Men on doomed film sets.

2/5

Dredd 3D (2012 dir. Pete Travis)

Obscure actor brings obscure comic character to live using his mouth.

3/5

Air Force One (1997 dir. Wolfgang Petersen)

For first time in history, US president guns down enemies directly instead of waiting for oil macguffin.

2/5

Poseidon (2006 dir. Wolfgang Petersen)

Like a snappier Titanic, with wider camera lenses.

3/5

The Fugitive (1993 dir. Andrew Davis)

Indiana Jones undergoes extreme grooming to help prove his innocence.

3/5

Clear And Present Danger (1994 dir. Phillip Noyce)

Aided by gigantic computer monitors, calm men conduct espionage in holiday destinations.

2/5

Striking Distance (1993. dir Rowdy Herrington)

Balding boatman blasts bad guys between boning sessions.

2/5