Cloud Atlas (2012 dir. Lana & Andy Wachowski and Tom Tykwer)

A spiritual game of ‘spot the actor’ across three centuries/hours.

3/5

Jeff, Who Lives At Home (2011 dir. Jay & Mark Duplass)

Tubby Christ figure evokes miracles for blood relatives only.

3/5

The Artist (2011 dir. Michel Hazanavicius)

Europeans pay tribute to dead Americans without vocal chords or widescreen.

4/5

Ruby Sparks (2012 dir. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris)

Perennial beta male proves that the perfect woman doesn’t exist.

3/5

A Separation (2011 dir. Asghar Farhadi)

The Iranian version of How Clean Is Your House gets complicated.

4/5

Le Déjeuner Sur L’herbe (1959 dir. Jean Renoir)

The world’s greatest scientist nearly loses his mind over peasant girl’s fuckhole.

3/5

Hoffa (1992 dir. Danny DeVito)

Well-nosed thesp unites Daily Mirror readers against Daily Telegraph readers.

3/5

Heartburn (1986 dir. Mike Nichols)

Boring life leads to boring biopic.

1/5

The Master (2012 dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

Foreheaded veteran of bumbling assistant parts relishes playing the alpha male for once.

4/5

The Hurricane (1999 dir. Norman Jewison)

Outclassed supporting cast prove slugger-turned-scribbler’s innocence using post-it-note montages.

3/5

East of Eden (1955 dir. Elia Kazan)

A family implodes over vegetables and the Bible in oldern days.

4/5

Nuts (1987 dir. Martin Ritt)

Slick lawyer helps mental fuck seller deliver exposition in court.

3/5

My Own Private Idaho (1991 dir. Gus Van Sant)

Dead heart throb sells arse and dick, then falls asleep, in several cities.

2/5

Brokeback Mountain (2005 dir. Ang Lee)

To keep hypothermia and boredom at bay, two simpletons conduct sympathetic cowboy butt sex.

3/5

Regarding Henry (1991 dir. Mike Nichols)

Like the origin story of the world’s worst superhero – RITZ CRACKERS MAN.

2/5

Silver Linings Playbook (2012 dir. David O. Russell)

A loving family help their son overcome mental illness using gambling and sports jerseys.

4/5

One Day (2011 dir. Lone Scherfig)

A fuckfest many years in the making, underpinned by appalling television shows.

2/5

Gentleman’s Agreement (1947 dir. Elia Kazan)

Jew-named non-Jew tricks Jews in order to scribble for non-Jews about Jews.

2/5

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (2011 dir. Stephen Daltry)

Splattered father helps weird son overcome shyness by making him hang out with the homeless in Central Park at night.

1/5

Hoosiers (1986 dir. Anspaugh)

Outsider wins over slightly hostile Christian farmers and bags slightly hostile skirt using basketball strategy.

2/5

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (2012 dir. Stephen Chbosky)

The outstanding musical taste of mental dork leads to sexual times.

3/5

The Pledge (2001 dir. Sean Penn)

Whilst surrounded by uglies, legendary actor attempts to avoid looking bored.

2/5

Neds (2010 dir. Peter Mullan)

Like a less colourful The Firm, with near incomprehensible dialogue.

3/5

Carnal Knowledge (1971 dir. Mike Nichols)

Two chums discuss and engage in fuckery.

2/5

Mississippi Burning (1988 dir. Alan Parker)

Building and contents insurance premiums rocket due to gospel music and arson.

2/5