Please for the love of Christ check your CV several times, then have someone else check it several times, to ensure typos like this do not fall into an employer’s inbox:
“i am a fart learner, and punctual, i always take interest in the job that i do.”
People that succeed in sales are usually assertive, driven, dynamic and more often than not, operate with a slight air of cuntishness about them. Of course, they will be closing deals and increasing revenue at all times.
So what would a sales manager make of this segment of inspiration from a CV?
‘Negotiating prices – If a buyer didn’t like the price or if it was too high, i always went out of my way to lower the price for them’
Fucking brilliant. That behaviour can’t be too great for revenue targets.
What do employers want to see on a CV? Skills, experience, achievements… you know, things that may make you stand out in the candidate market.
They won’t want to see this sort of thing:
‘Smoking: I smoke’
Fucking splendid. So you’re telling companies that you’ll spend around half an hour less than everyone else in the office each day as you’ll be out on cigarette breaks. Do make sure your phone’s on the hook for all those calls to interview.
Some people can be a little bit too proud of how little they have achieved in the world of work.
The below arrived on a covering letter:
‘As wrote above I have worked in three different chip shops which all involved me servicing food preparing food and cooking the food altogether I have had about three years experience with chip shops‘
Astounding. At least a recruiter can delete the application even before wasting time reading the CV with guff like that.
A delightful bit under the ever entertaining interests section of a CV from a young hopeful:
‘Although I am not an avid supporter of football, I do suffer from time to time, the trauma of travelling all the way to Motherwell to see my friend play on his home turf’
Seriously why put yourself through the travel and despair of watching a shit football team in the cold when you’re not even a fan of the sport? There are so many better things to do on a weekend, for example doing nothing at all.
Again, remember the interests section on a CV is there as the final selling opportunity for you as a potential employee.
Never forget this, lest you end up with this kind of thing making you repellant to only a few firms:
‘Gaming has always been a huge part of my life. I currently own most consoles including retro as well as new, and I can adapt to most game styles as my collection of games include at least three games from each game genre’
Yes, we all enjoy the odd round of Call of Duty from time to time but will never discuss it whilst job hunting.
I actually like it and recommend that under each company on the CV you include a line about what the firm does and how large it is. This saves the recruiter having to Google a load of things to make sure you’ve got the clout and industry experience to be considered for their role.
But use some fucking common sense here. Don’t insult the employer’s intelligence by stating the fucking obvious if the firms happen to be global mega corporations on every high street in the UK:
‘Tesco is a large supermarket chain that supplies food and drink and many products and services to the nation
McDonalds is an international fast food restaurant and takeaway outlet.’
Never swear on a CV.
Always remain positive.
And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.
Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:
‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’
Colonial Marine – Space (Field-based) – Interim – $40-65k + Assault Rifle + Hypersleep Pod
Due to an upcoming project which will investigate the loss of contact with the colony on LV-426, the Weyland-Yutani (WY) Corporation now requires an additional Colonial Marine to provide military support on an interim basis. Since the chances of being brutally killed on this assignment are high, this opportunity is not likely to become permanent.
As a Colonian Marine, you will relish the opportunity of bringing death to far flung galaxies and planets across the universe using the latest military technology for ending lives. The WY Corporation expects the best and they reward the best; new marines can expect a generous salary as well as their own brand new high performance assault rifle and hypersleep pod for comfortable space travel.
Team spirit: Subsidised gruel is just one of many benefits from the WY Corp.
You should have demonstrable teamworking ability, as well as an accute understanding of when to make wisecracks to raise the morale of the unit during difficult times such as evening meals. Having a low opinion of women until they have proved their worth on the battle field will be looked on with considerable favour.
WY Corporation does not expect all Colonial Marines to remain calm during combat situations, rather the opposite.
Please note that since orphaned children are likely to be encountered on this assignment, all candidates should be prepared to go through an enhanced CRB check as part of the application process.
.
Sound like the career for you? If so, please send a photograph of yourself in a vest to Paul Reiser, Weyland-Yutani Corporation Head Office, Space Station 043, Corridor #743, Space.
Sometimes, I believe CVs were written to test me in the same way a religious person may think famine or war is a test for them.
When I saw the mess below, I had to wonder which one of the bullet points was actually the odd one out for a few seconds before deciding it was point five.
1 Cleaning
2 Clecting glass’s
3 Severing
4 I’m trust worthy
5 Intelect
Most people in Britain live a fairly mundane existence, so it’s unusual for CVs to contain any decent hobbies or extra curricular activities, not least amateur film production.
If you’re acting in front your mate’s camcorder though, avoid going into quite as much detail on your character’s little nuances though because it won’t help your prospects of employment on bit:
‘I play a cocky troublemaking chav, instigating trouble and baring witness to a murder.’
Always tailor an application form to your audience and pay particular attention to the country’s cultural diversity at all times. Spouting Biblical nonsense at any time is strictly forbidden:
‘Soft hearted but strong in my conviction and integrity., live a good healthy habit and most of all a God fearing and live a life with principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.’
‘I have discovered with running my own Business that the hours are great but the pay is crap o)’
Fucking brilliant, especially the little smiley at the end.
The pay is only crap if your business sucks and you’re probably not putting enough hours into it. As for the prospects of giving you an interview… I’m out.
It beggars belief that some people can even find the front door to leave their house to collect my tax money each week, let alone sire children and log onto a computer, hence:
‘I m sorry mam sir I don t have a file documents in the computer if you want I can send it to you thru post office what I mean is that I don t have a CV of what your asking to me in this application but I m assure you that all I write here’
What a fantastic idea. Fucking great!
The whole recruitment plan can go on hold whilst everyone waits three days for your pathetic career history to arrive from Postman Pat. I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait.
I can’t emphasise enough the importance of taking a few seconds to check over your spelling on a CV. If in doubt, have someone with a few working brain cells take a look; there’s no shame in it.
That way you’ll probably avoid the embarrassment of stating that one of your old jobs was as a ‘crap fisherman‘.
Either your spelling is fucked, or you just lack self esteem and aren’t selling yourself too well.
Sadly, life deals us a cruel hand from time to time, which can make certain elements on a CV look a bit suspect.
Having said that, always think carefully about how you phrase these tragedies on your job applications:
‘I done well in my Year 9 SATS and was in top set all though High School but I have crap grades because i hardly sat any exams due to a motorcycle accident which I can prove happened.’
From a field-based retail worker:
‘The Stores I visited were Glasgow to Plymouth and then Newcastle in that order – As you can see I enjoy driving.’
And as you can see, probably never looked at a fucking map in his life either. What a waste of petrol expenses that little adventure must have been.
Not having a job or any prospects in life outside of Job Center queues and cigarettes must be quite depressing. I get that. But you have to approach job hunting with a bit of resilience and drive.
So don’t write sadsack guff like this as a way of introducing youself to a potential employer:
‘am currently un employed need to make something out of my life cause at the moment its crap’
Apart from the wrong message to send, the basic spelling and grammar are fucked here as well.
‘IM ALSO AN ELDER AT MY CHURCH AND COMMITED TO THE WORK AND THE TEACHING OF JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR.’
Why not start getting committed to doing something more useful with your life, such as learning some skills that will make you vaguely employable?
Always bare in mind that a recruiter is looking to fill a vacancy, not be confronted with biased religious statements.
Know what I like more than trying to read a crap CV with font size 9 text?
Fucking italic font size 9 of course.
Thanks for making the decision not to progress your application even easier.
Could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, when you’ve worked at McDonald’s and have ‘Gained customer staff relationship‘?
Funnily enough, when I order fast food from my local McDonald’s, I’m usually keen to get the hell out of that dump as soon as possible. The last thing I want is to forge a fucking relationship of any kind with the guy that’s just cooked my Big Mac.
‘The interviews i do for the online music magazine is also a great hobbie and I have chance to interview some great people my favourite interviews so far are Right Said Fred, Adam Ant and BoB’
Fucking brilliant and relevant.
If those were the best then I’d hate to see the worst. Also, how in the name of Christ did you get any journalism work with that level of writing skill?
Again, spelling is key and that goes for typos a well, little slips of the finger when typing out a CV on a word processing device.
Pay attention. I know that the last word here on a candidate’s interests section was supposed to be golf but it still left me, the recruiter, with a ludicrous mental image:
‘Swimming, fishing, gold‘
I’m rarely surprised by what I see on CVs now.
This, however, was an exception:
‘As a male of relatively high testosterone levels for my age, I feel that a job as an adult movie actor would appeal to me.’
That’s a pretty big elephant in the room right there.
It’s never a good idea to put a photo of yourself on a CV or covering letter for an application in the UK, even if you happen to be easy on the eyes. It just isn’t the done thing.
So, avoid doing this at all possible costs if you look a fucking main cast member from the Australian soap opera Prisoner: Cell Block H.
