The Last Stand (2013 dir. Jee-woon Kim)

Antique Austrian defends all-American town from immigrant labour.

2/5

Spartacus (1960 dir. Stanley Kubrick)

Christ-like slave with perfect teeth and modern haircut inspires ancestors of Daily Mirror readers to brutal deaths.

5/5

Cloud Atlas (2012 dir. Lana & Andy Wachowski and Tom Tykwer)

A spiritual game of ‘spot the actor’ across three centuries/hours.

3/5

John Carter (2012 dir. Andrew Stanton)

Athletic longhair must fight for tribesmen to prevent a gang rape.

2/5

The Five-Year Engagement (2012 dir. Nicholas Stoller)

Big Jew bags half decent skirt twice despite delivering poor quality fuck sessions.

1/5

Last Action Hero (1993 dir. John McTiernan)

In mocking crap action films, action auteurs make a crap action film.

2/5

Hellraiser (1987 dir. Clive Barker)

A living human anatomy textbook tries to bond with sister-in-law.

3/5

American Pie: Reunion (2012 dir. Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg)

Actors glad of the work evoke nostalgia in a world where all girls blossom to become hot sluts.

2/5

Death Warrant (1990 dir. Deran Sarafian)

Belgian face-kicker kicks faces to defend against organ donorship.

1/5

Jeff, Who Lives At Home (2011 dir. Jay & Mark Duplass)

Tubby Christ figure evokes miracles for blood relatives only.

3/5

The Artist (2011 dir. Michel Hazanavicius)

Europeans pay tribute to dead Americans without vocal chords or widescreen.

4/5

Iron Man Three (2013 dir. Shane Black)

The war on terror as played out in George W. Bush’s brain during the final quarter of 2001.

3/5

Metropolis (1927 dir. Fritz Lang)

Early Thatcherism challenged by men silently shaking their fists.

4/5

Fortress (1992 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Tory social and privatisation policies realised in a future of stomach aches.

2/5

Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

Beasts Of The Southern Wild (2012 dir. Benh Zeitlin)

A blurry look through innocent eyes at the creation of Maury Povich guests.

3/5

Grifters (1990 dir. Stephen Frears)

Two similarly-styled sluts seek affection from an 80s heart throb.

2/5

Zodiac (2007 dir. David Fincher)

Ensemble cast seek violent scribbler in a mustard-coloured world.

4/5

From Beyond (1986 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Like a far less pleasant Matrix, with neon.

3/5

Ruby Sparks (2012 dir. Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris)

Perennial beta male proves that the perfect woman doesn’t exist.

3/5

Angel Heart (1987 dir. Alan Parker)

Nightmare visions bring fuck session to an abrupt end.

3/5

ParaNorman (2012 dir. Sam Fell & Chris Butler)

The Sixth Sense merges with Night of The Living Dead in Jew-voiced town.

2/5

A Separation (2011 dir. Asghar Farhadi)

The Iranian version of How Clean Is Your House gets complicated.

4/5

Space Truckers (1996 dir. Stuart Gordon)

80s neon and the disabled get cruelly mocked in Star Wars knock-off.

1/5

Le Déjeuner Sur L’herbe (1959 dir. Jean Renoir)

The world’s greatest scientist nearly loses his mind over peasant girl’s fuckhole.

3/5