Hellraiser (1987 dir. Clive Barker)

A living human anatomy textbook tries to bond with sister-in-law.

3/5

Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

From Beyond (1986 dir. Stuart Gordon)

Like a far less pleasant Matrix, with neon.

3/5

Angel Heart (1987 dir. Alan Parker)

Nightmare visions bring fuck session to an abrupt end.

3/5

The Last House On The Left (1972 dir. Wes Craven)

The awkward moment when you start nursing the people that recently fucked and killed your only child.

1/5

City Of The Living Dead (1980 dir. Lucio Fulci)

The killing of religious manager brings peace to mankind in atheist wetdream.

2/5

Demons 2 (1986 dir. Lamberto Bava)

Slop-filled metaphor for how TV turns society into unthinking, violent drones.

2/5

Demons (1985 dir. Lamberta Bava)

Muck-filled metaphor for the (literal) death of cinema audiences at the hands of digital media.

3/5

The Black Cat (1981 dir. Lucio Fulci)

Like the Whiskers ad from hell set in a Kinks single.

2/5

Braindead (1992 dir. Peter Jackson)

Ethnic retail assistant realises mummy’s boy is man of her dreams after he reduces party guests to pulped trifle.

3/5

Broken (2006 dir. Simon Boyes)

Eccentric enslaves women at campsite in possible Playboy Mansion competitor start-up.

1/5

Repulsion (1965 dir. Roman Polanksi)

Ancient photo causes unfucked lunatic to fend off fuck advances with homicide.

4/5

Twixt (2011 dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

Like a long-haired Alan Wake, with Stephen King aspirations.

3/5

A Serbian Film (2010 dir. Srdjan Spasojevic)

Shaggy Balkan give new meaning to the phrase ‘something in my eye’ after accidentally bonding with family.

2/5

Surf Nazis Must Die (1987 dir. Peter George)

Sunseekers object to murder and right-wing politics.

1/5

Class of Nuke ‘em High (1986 dir. Richard W. Haines & Lloyd Kaufman)

Poor editing, titties and gags undermine damning indictment of American public school system.

2/5

Wolf Creek (2005 dir. Greg Mclean)

A conservative look at the mating rituals of the rural Australian male.

3/5

The Return Of The Living Dead (1985 dir. Dan O’Bannon)

Republican social policy enacted as working-class community gets nuked.

3/5

Swamp Thing (1982 dir. Wes Craven)

Like King Kong meeting a cheapo Incredible Hulk, with foliage.

2/5

The Blob (1958 dir. Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.)

Growing entity consumes then destroys American town in General Motors allegory.

2/5

The Cabin In The Woods (2011 dir. Drew Goddard)

New king of Hollywood makes a mockery of ancient horror flicks.

3/5

Kill List (2011 dir. Ben Wheatley)

1970s pagan horror collides with Eastenders.

3/5

Red State (2011 dir. Kevin Smith)

Bloated Catholic has a go at his upbringing by way of a poorly directed shoot-out.

2/5

I Spit on Your Grave (2010 dir. Steven R. Monroe)

Educated liberal makes life hell for republicans in Barack Obama allegory.

2/5

Eden Lake (2008 dir. James Watkins)

Spawn of white van men ruin quiet weekend away for two Guardian readers.

2/5