Tag Archives: JLS

NEW LOW: JLS’ Aston checks in to Priory for McCoy’s addiction

22 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

The pressures of fame can sometimes be too much for some, particularly when you’re one quarter of Britain’s premier male dance group Joyful Little Strippers (JLS). Having been through the ups and downs of life on the road, which culminated in a debilitating addiction to cheese & onion McCoy’s crisps, young Aston Merrygold has saught the help of The Priory.

The London clinic is no stranger to celebrity clients, and helps individuals curb their addictions to everything from drink and drugs to anal sex. Mr Merrygold, 17, will spend two months there in order to receive the professional help required to battle uncontrollable cravings for the well known bagged snack.

Joyful Little Stripper: Merrygold drives attendees of the G.A.Y. club insane with lust at a show

The group first became aware of Mr Merrygold’s behaviour one night in February this year. During the middle of the night, the caravan at the end of manager Louis Walsh’s garden which the group use for living accomodation, became alive with a sound. The sound was not music, as one of their hit singles alludes to, but of a primal, unrestrained crunching and groaning; the sound of Aston wrist deep in McCoy’s crisps.

Louis Walsh, 83, said: ‘It’s a huge blow to have one of my strippers addicted to high-calorie snacks. If this had continued, his chissled, oiled abs may have become less defined.’

‘I wish Aston the quickest possible recovery so he can return to eight hours of exercise a day fuelled only by a single protein shake and three litres of tap water.’

The estimated cost of Merrygold’s stay at the clinic will be around £3million per week. Insiders say this will be money well spent.

Oh no! JLS’ Marvin oversleeps and misses group workout

13 Feb

By Slick Nick

Chaos descended upon the JLS camp yesterday morning as lead singer Marvin Humes failed to turn up for a pre-planned group gym workout.

The session was due to take place at 8am at an LA Fitness in central London, which also sells an impressive range of protein bars.

It was later revealed that Humes, 36, had overslept.

It is unknown at this time whether he slept in on purpose, or whether an alarm clock had malfunctioned.

An anonymous source stated that JLS management had recently struggled to curb Humes’ addiction to late-night reality TV cop shows and that this may have been a contributing factor to his lethargy.

The group are expected to exercise daily in a punishing regime that includes two hours of cardio, one hour of weights, one hour of core and half an hour of stretching. The rest of the day is spent in dance rehearsals, with eleven minutes before bedtime devoted to song writing.

Manager Louis Walsh was reportedly ‘a bit annoyed’ at Marvin’s behaviour and is expected to make him train twice as hard tomorrow.

He said: ‘If Marvin can’t train his lean, rippling physique as part of a team, I’m sure I could find a way for him to burn some calories together in my Dublin castle. Mmmm.’

 

JLS’ current obligatory-slow-one-after-continuous-dance-anthems single is out now and available from all good petrol stations.

 

Oritse Williams from JLS struggles to find a new car as he can ‘only drive automatics’.

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

Oritse Williams, crucial backing stripper in the hip-hip group JLS, was last night aghast at how difficult it is to find a decent affordable car with automatic transmission in the south of England.

The weight-lifter and occasional singer had visited a couple of dealerships in a couple of different locations, with each seller apparently coming up with little or no options. Though these outlets were part of larger chains, one was described by a Syco A&R representative as ‘independent, as if it was from the TV show Heartbeat.’

Oritse commented: ‘When I was a kid, I just wanted to learn to drive as quickly as possible so I could go around irritating innocent bystanders with preposterous mobile bass volumes. I started learning in an automatic car and within four short months, I had my own license.’

‘I wish I’d passed in a manual – the options would be far better. It just seems that whenever an automatic car goes up for sale in towns quite near my flat, some arsehole gets in there before me and snaps it up!’

Mr Williams, whose first name ocasionally baffles people meeting him for the first time, is said to now be seriously considering a black ’06 reg VW Golf or a Ford Focus from last year with obviously better mileage.

JLS’ new single ‘Much Ado About Clubbing’ is out in early January.

“I fucking love being in this band – you’re never too far away from a mob of ugly pre-pubescent chicks.”

17 Dec

Why write on paper when you have a human face handy?

“Ima mime and do a strip dance when I finish this list to Santa so that he brings me a new bike and a Megadrive.”

24 Nov

He could be writing the next Thriller

Because a JLS single with only one front cover design is never fucking enough.

24 Nov

Buy all 4 versions and they'll provide real sex

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