Please for the love of Christ check your CV several times, then have someone else check it several times, to ensure typos like this do not fall into an employer’s inbox:
“i am a fart learner, and punctual, i always take interest in the job that i do.”
People that succeed in sales are usually assertive, driven, dynamic and more often than not, operate with a slight air of cuntishness about them. Of course, they will be closing deals and increasing revenue at all times.
So what would a sales manager make of this segment of inspiration from a CV?
‘Negotiating prices – If a buyer didn’t like the price or if it was too high, i always went out of my way to lower the price for them’
Fucking brilliant. That behaviour can’t be too great for revenue targets.
What do employers want to see on a CV? Skills, experience, achievements… you know, things that may make you stand out in the candidate market.
They won’t want to see this sort of thing:
‘Smoking: I smoke’
Fucking splendid. So you’re telling companies that you’ll spend around half an hour less than everyone else in the office each day as you’ll be out on cigarette breaks. Do make sure your phone’s on the hook for all those calls to interview.
Some people can be a little bit too proud of how little they have achieved in the world of work.
The below arrived on a covering letter:
‘As wrote above I have worked in three different chip shops which all involved me servicing food preparing food and cooking the food altogether I have had about three years experience with chip shops‘
Astounding. At least a recruiter can delete the application even before wasting time reading the CV with guff like that.
A delightful bit under the ever entertaining interests section of a CV from a young hopeful:
‘Although I am not an avid supporter of football, I do suffer from time to time, the trauma of travelling all the way to Motherwell to see my friend play on his home turf’
Seriously why put yourself through the travel and despair of watching a shit football team in the cold when you’re not even a fan of the sport? There are so many better things to do on a weekend, for example doing nothing at all.
Again, remember the interests section on a CV is there as the final selling opportunity for you as a potential employee.
Never forget this, lest you end up with this kind of thing making you repellant to only a few firms:
‘Gaming has always been a huge part of my life. I currently own most consoles including retro as well as new, and I can adapt to most game styles as my collection of games include at least three games from each game genre’
Yes, we all enjoy the odd round of Call of Duty from time to time but will never discuss it whilst job hunting.
From the education section of a CV:
‘GSCE Physical Education – Grade G‘
How does one get a grade so low in that subject, sit on the fucking floor rocking back and forth during the practical exam?
I actually like it and recommend that under each company on the CV you include a line about what the firm does and how large it is. This saves the recruiter having to Google a load of things to make sure you’ve got the clout and industry experience to be considered for their role.
But use some fucking common sense here. Don’t insult the employer’s intelligence by stating the fucking obvious if the firms happen to be global mega corporations on every high street in the UK:
‘Tesco is a large supermarket chain that supplies food and drink and many products and services to the nation
McDonalds is an international fast food restaurant and takeaway outlet.’
From the interests section at the end of a CV:
‘In my spare time, I enjoy playing video games, listening to music, watching television and occasionally going out during the evening with friends.’
Fucking brilliant, if the employer is looking for a recluse.
From a career history on a CV:
’2009 I was Holidays in Abroad back to learn world cultures and adventure’
I can say with confidence that an in-house recruiter who has to wade through an ocean of crap CVs in a stuffy office day in day out does not want to know about you living the high life. Puting ‘career break’ or ‘travel’ would have been fine in this instance.
What’s even worse is the fact that you’ve also demonstrated the literacy aptitude of a five year old.
A covering letter is not a platform for you to be puting the world to rights. It’s about demonstrating your skills and experience to potential employers in order to get them to actually read your CV, rather than deleting it.
So always avoid silly, vague, pointless quips such as this:
‘I believe in Jesus Christ and therefore I try to help people in need.’
From the interest section of a CV:
‘listen to 70s and 80s rock music.’
You’re not in a pub discussing bands with your mates. Keep it vague on a CV at all times.
I realise that when creating your first email address to share with your friends, having something silly can be quite amusing and helps retain a sense of individuality amongst the group.
But fucking hell what impression does this sort of thing, including text talk, give to an employer when they see it on a CV?
‘H1_Ladz@………….‘
I really cannot emphasise enough the care needed in how much detail you put under your personal interests at the bottom of a CV. Some employers read all the way to the bottom you know.
If you must, ‘role playing games’ would have sufficed here:
‘I enjoy a wide variety of music, the arts and sci-fi and fantasy literature. I have guided small groups of adventurers through some of the more dangerous areas of Azeroth.’
Very few employers are looking to hire a David Brent figure, especially an evangelical one, so avoid puting statements like this on a CV:
‘I am an enjoyable character who brings a joy to the office by the grace of Jesus Christ.’
The CV should be written for as wide an audience, so never assume that the employer has been on the same cutting edge training course as you, or is reading the same quirky American self-help books.
So with the following sentence, modify it accordingly if you mean to say you can develop business relationships and open up new prospects with solid cold calling skills:
‘Strong “farmer/nurturer” & “hunter/gatherer” skills with a variety of client personalities’
The CV should always have a positive, almost bragging tone to it. Negative talk is a big no no.
So avoid sentences like this at all costs:
‘Never get depressed due to failure ‘
Never swear on a CV.
Always remain positive.
And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.
Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:
‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’
This is from the candidate summary section from a job board CV database:
‘Available now, living in London. I have 4 kids and am a keen hill walker, Birmingham City supporter. What more is there to say’
Indeed, what more is there to say? How about a fucking objective? Some punctuation wouldn’t hurt either.
I’m all for bragging on a CV; afterall, it is supposed to sell your skills and experience to an employer.
Caution though – what you consider a worthwhile life-affirming achievement may come across as pathetic to someone else:
‘‘I had a top 100 hit’’
Never come across as racist on a CV.
Fucking hell, this isn’t the 1960s and we are not in the deep south of America. Have someone review your application before it’s submitted if you’re too stupid to phrase things appropriately:
‘…where I have been working with members of the public and socially excluded groups of people including ethnic minorities and the long term unemployed of all ages ‘
Remember the covering letter is the first part of a sales pitch – and you are the product.
So try not to make it easier for an employer to delete your application from their inbox by writing lines like this, especially in fucking italics:
‘I have never had a real job before.’
Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount
Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.
As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.
This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.
The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.
The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.
Meet the team
This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.
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Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.
Ghostbuster – New York City, USA (field-based) – Perm – $18-25k + Healthcare + Company vehicle
Ghostbusters Inc. does one thing and one thing only – bust ghosts! Since 1984 we have experienced year-on-year growth due to delighting our customers in New York with outstanding cutomer service and delivery with every job we do. With patented technology, and an energetic and fun working culture, we have become the only company that people turn to when ghosts attack. Who you gonna call? Us.
Due to a recent surge in paranormal activity, we now require an additional Ghostbuster to visit clients’ premises around the city to deliver our worldclass ghostbusting service to challenging SLAs. This is strictly a service delivery position without any sales involved.
The Ghosbuster is an extremely physical role, so those seeking a desk job where their hands don’t get dirty need not apply.
The Ghostbuster works well unsupervised or as part of a team
Candidates should ideally have experience of or be comfortable with particle accelorator weaponry, though a full morning’s training will be given for using our unique Proton Packs.
Individuals that have performed on the television show Saturday Night Live will be looked upon with considerable favour, as will those with a full driving license.
Good organisational skills and the ability to prioritise are a must. Candidates must also demonstrate superb communications skills as this is a customer-facing role. They should be comfortable around senior stakeholders such s democratically elected government officials and their unpopular assistants.
To apply, please turn up unannounced at our New York headquarters and ask for Dr. Peter Venkman, Ph.d, upon arrival for an informal interview.
Ghostbusters Inc. is an equal opportunities employer and does not discriminate on the ground of age, sex, race or take-away food prefererence.
