Tag Archives: Job Interview

CV Tip #148 (Fat Slag)

2 Jun

I realise that when creating your first email address to share with your friends, having something silly can be quite amusing and helps retain a sense of individuality amongst the group.

But fucking hell what impression does this sort of thing, including text talk, give to an employer when they see it on a CV?

‘H1_Ladz@………….

CV Tip #96 (Dungeons & Dragons)

1 Jun

I really cannot emphasise enough the care needed in how much detail you put under your personal interests at the bottom of a CV. Some employers read all the way to the bottom you know.

If you must, ‘role playing games’ would have sufficed here:

‘I enjoy a wide variety of music, the arts and sci-fi and fantasy literature. I have guided small groups of adventurers through some of the more dangerous areas of Azeroth.’

CV Tip #104 (Office LOLs)

31 May

Very few employers are looking to hire a David Brent figure, especially an evangelical one, so avoid puting statements like this on a CV:

‘I am an enjoyable character who brings a joy to the office by the grace of Jesus Christ.’

CV Tip #167 (I should be so lucky)

30 May

If you think this email address is acceptable, even to use with your friends much less on a CV, then I wish you the best of luck in your lengthy career as a full-time benefit claimant:

‘rubberduckies2009@…….’


CV Tip #109 (Homo Erectus)

29 May

The CV should be written for as wide an audience, so never assume that the employer has been on the same cutting edge training course as you, or is reading the same quirky American self-help books.

So with the following sentence, modify it accordingly if you mean to say you can develop business relationships and open up new prospects with solid cold calling skills:

‘Strong “farmer/nurturer” & “hunter/gatherer” skills with a variety of client personalities’

CV Tip #171 (Anti Depressants)

28 May

The CV should always have a positive, almost bragging tone to it. Negative talk is a big no no.

So avoid sentences like this at all costs:

‘Never get depressed due to failure ‘

CV Tip #120 (Peter Venkman)

27 May

I’ve said it countless times but always ensure you have a seperate professional email address for puting on CVs and corresponding with potential employers, if your personal one is idiotic.

This one just makes you look unemployable, despite having superb taste in cinema:

‘ghostbusters_43@……..’

CV Tip #141 (I need a dollar)

26 May

Never swear on a CV.

Always remain positive.

And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.

Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:

‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’

CV Tip #128 (Birmingham City)

25 May

This is from the candidate summary section from a job board CV database:

‘Available now, living in London. I have 4 kids and am a keen hill walker, Birmingham City supporter. What more is there to say’

Indeed, what more is there to say? How about a fucking objective? Some punctuation wouldn’t hurt either.

CV Tip #159 (Simon Cowell)

24 May

I’m all for bragging on a CV; afterall, it is supposed to sell your skills and experience to an employer.

Caution though – what you consider a worthwhile life-affirming achievement may come across as pathetic to someone else:

‘‘I had a top 100 hit’’

CV Tip #185 (Alf Garnett)

23 May

Never come across as racist on a CV.

Fucking hell, this isn’t the 1960s and we are not in the deep south of America. Have someone review your application before it’s submitted if you’re too stupid to phrase things appropriately:

‘…where I have been working with members of the public and socially excluded groups of people including ethnic minorities and the long term unemployed of all ages ‘

CV Tip #179 (Rodney Trotter)

22 May

Remember the covering letter is the first part of a sales pitch – and you are the product.

So try not to make it easier for an employer to delete your application from their inbox by writing lines like this, especially in fucking italics:

‘I have never had a real job before.’

JOB AD: Health & Safety Manager, Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

18 Mar

Health & Safety Manager – Southern England – £40-60k + Living quarters + Staff shopping discount

Due to a spate of horrific accidents, Wonka Foods Limited now requires a permanent Health & Safety Manager to devise, implement and manage all factory health, safety and environmental policies to ensure no arrests are made under current child abuse legislation.

As H&S Manager, you will bring a wealth of experience and influence to a highly reputable brand of sweet manufacturing, that delights children everyday with the hollow promise of aleviating them from heart-breaking poverty.

This is a hands on role and requires a confident, assertive personality who is particularly adept at influencing senior stakeholders, whatever their current state of mental health.

The proven ability to build solid and long-lasting working relationships is essential. This position requires tact and diplomacy when dealing with the factory’s staff, shift managers and union reps, all of which are comprised solely of an undiscovered race of green-haired abominations known to frquently go on strike by performing song and dance routines at any moment.

The H&S Manager will be adept at conducting investigations, ensuring they are followed through to a mutually beneficial conclusion. The individual should also be up to date with all current and impending health & safety legislation, particularly that pertaining to the safe usage of a sizable river of chocolate which runs through the entire factory floor, currently without safety barriers.

Meet the team

This is a brand new role and the successful candidate should enjoy the challenge of making it their own. In return, a generous salary is on offer, as well as luxury living quarters furnished with all the latest mod cons such as half a bed and half a wash basin. An on-site staff shop also offers discounts on all Wonka products apart from the top secret Neverendng Gobstoppa.

.

Sound like the role for you? To apply, please follow the instructions on the gold application form hidden in one of five Wonka bars in the world.

CV Tip #1 (Odd one out)

22 Oct

Sometimes, I believe CVs were written to test me in the same way a religious person may think famine or war is a test for them.

When I saw the mess below, I had to wonder which one of the bullet points was actually the odd one out for a few seconds before deciding it was point five.

1 Cleaning
2 Clecting glass’s
3 Severing
4 I’m trust worthy
5 Intelect

CV Tip #28 (Jeremy Kyle guest)

22 Oct

Most people in Britain live a fairly mundane existence, so it’s unusual for CVs to contain any decent hobbies or extra curricular activities, not least amateur film production.

If you’re acting in front your mate’s camcorder though, avoid going into quite as much detail on your character’s little nuances though because it won’t help your prospects of employment on bit:

‘I play a cocky troublemaking chav, instigating trouble and baring witness to a murder.’

CV Tip #40 (Christianty)

21 Oct

Always tailor an application form to your audience and pay particular attention to the country’s cultural diversity at all times. Spouting Biblical nonsense at any time is strictly forbidden:

‘Soft hearted but strong in my conviction and integrity., live a good healthy habit and most of all a God fearing and live a life with principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.’

CV Tip #42 (Dragon’s Den)

20 Oct

‘I have discovered with running my own Business that the hours are great but the pay is crap o)’

Fucking brilliant, especially the little smiley at the end.

The pay is only crap if your business sucks and you’re probably not putting enough hours into it. As for the prospects of giving you an interview… I’m out.

CV Tip #90 (Snail mail)

20 Oct

It beggars belief that some people can even find the front door to leave their house to collect my tax money each week, let alone sire children and log onto a computer, hence:

‘I m sorry mam sir I don t have a file documents in the computer if you want I can send it to you thru post office what I mean is that I don t have a CV of what your asking to me in this application but I m assure you that all I write here’

What a fantastic idea. Fucking great!

The whole recruitment plan can go on hold whilst everyone waits three days for your pathetic career history to arrive from Postman Pat. I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait.

CV Tip #54 (Evel Knievel)

19 Oct

Sadly, life deals us a cruel hand from time to time, which can make certain elements on a CV look a bit suspect.

Having said that, always think carefully about how you phrase these tragedies on your job applications:

‘I done well in my Year 9 SATS and was in top set all though High School but I have crap grades because i hardly sat any exams due to a motorcycle accident which I can prove happened.’

CV Tip #43 (Ordnance Survey)

19 Oct

From a field-based retail worker:

‘The Stores I visited were Glasgow to Plymouth and then Newcastle in that order – As you can see I enjoy driving.’

And as you can see, probably never looked at a fucking map in his life either. What a waste of petrol expenses that little adventure must have been.

CV Tip #45 (Steve Brookstein)

18 Oct

Not having a job or any prospects in life outside of Job Center queues and cigarettes must be quite depressing. I get that. But you have to approach job hunting with a bit of resilience and drive.

So don’t write sadsack guff like this as a way of introducing youself to a potential employer:

‘am currently un employed need to make something out of my life cause at the moment its crap’

Apart from the wrong message to send, the basic spelling and grammar are fucked here as well.

CV Tip #103 (Religious fanatic)

18 Oct

‘IM ALSO AN ELDER AT MY CHURCH AND COMMITED TO THE WORK AND THE TEACHING OF JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR.’

Why not start getting committed to doing something more useful with your life, such as learning some skills that will make you vaguely employable?

Always bare in mind that a recruiter is looking to fill a vacancy, not be confronted with biased religious statements.

CV Tip #92 (Magnifying glass)

18 Oct

Know what I like more than trying to read a crap CV with font size 9 text?

Fucking italic font size 9 of course.

Thanks for making the decision not to progress your application even easier.

CV Tip #70 (Casablanca)

18 Oct

Could this be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, when you’ve worked at McDonald’s and have ‘Gained customer staff relationship‘?

Funnily enough, when I order fast food from my local McDonald’s, I’m usually keen to get the hell out of that dump as soon as possible. The last thing I want is to forge a fucking relationship of any kind with the guy that’s just cooked my Big Mac.

CV Tip #39 (Deeply Dippy)

17 Oct

‘The interviews i do for the online music magazine is also a great hobbie and I have chance to interview some great people my favourite interviews so far are Right Said Fred, Adam Ant and BoB’

Fucking brilliant and relevant.

If those were the best then I’d hate to see the worst. Also, how in the name of Christ did you get any journalism work with that level of writing skill?

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