Tag Archives: Pop

GUEST ARTICLE: Extracts From ‘Sex And Genre Deconstruction In STAIND’

5 Jun

Extracts from the non-award winning essay by Professor Montgommery Sloan Barnicoat-Fucknozzle III Phd. MA. OBE – esteemed fellow of the arts at London South Bank University.

Science: The professor reveals the patended 'Theory of Why Staind Sell Records'.

…interesting piece written by fellow academics at the independent Canadian research institution Blatant Doom Trip entitled ‘Staind’ which offers a thorough introduction into the psyche of frontman Aaron Lewis through both qualitative and quantitative research methodology. A minstrel of sorts, Lewis is the main composer in the group, an intense youngster whose creativity appears to excel when backed by his blues-based ensemble. On a partially-related matter, the aforementioned BDT article forms much of the recommended reading material for the Autumn course I am running on what it means to be male in an American bluegrass combo in 2009. Students wishing to enrol should send a hand-written letter of interest with an enclosed holiday photo to my office in the cleaning cupboard at the…

… Lewis’ burgeoning unsatisfied sexuality being the driving force of early-to-mid career Staind. We are presented with not only the vision but also the inner turmoil of a sensual, all-American adult male unable to relenquish its seed in the traditional act of physical love with a willing suitor. This seemingly unending bout of involuntary celibasy becomes apparent with the song title of hit single ‘It’s Been A While‘ on the profoundly moving breakthrough album ‘Break The Cycle‘ of 2001. Whilst this record is essentially a post-modern grunge metal symphony, this particular song is a stipped-down exercise in lonliness; Lewis, entirely masculine in appearance (light on hair, heavy on bodyfat) cannot find a ‘home’ for the emotional and biological love he has to give. The singer uses a comparably sparse arrangement of ukulele and full backing combo, including percussion, to attempt to challenge the perception of…

Despair: The painted representation of Aaron Lewis' cerebellum

… particularly resonates is the song ‘Pressure‘ which lurches from the psychological to the physical. Quite simply, it is the description of having a fully erect member within the constraints of a particularly unforgiving pair of camo shorts. It calls to Lewis, challenging him to use it for the purpose God created it for in a hostile world. Thus, physical pressure impregnates a psychological pressure. The irony is not lost on…

… disagree entirely as do many learned gentleman in our field; there can only be one interpretation of the metaphor-drenched ‘Safe Place‘. Quite simply, it is an ode to the female reproductive organ, or a worship if one was feeling particularly generous. Lewis exists in a cold, distant world. The vagina can offer a gateway to the emotional warmth, as well as the physical gratification, that the singer so desperately seeks. Readers wishing for further clarity on theories relating to the vagina’s impact on previously Confederate American states should be pointed towards the…

Sensual: Lewis as primal all-American male

… penis. But if we pause to reflect on the surface of Staind’s later work, what presents itself is an attempt to deconstruct the very conventions of music that we are familiar with. Arguably the most significant piece in this later experimental stage is the wildly ambitious 2005 album ‘Chapter V‘. Note the use of the Roman numeral in the title itself; a confident yet subtle indicator that the listener is about to embark on a concept far removed from what is considered acceptable or enjoyable music on a purely superficial level in the present day. Lewis is looking into the past and asking us – what is music? What is a song? What are supposed to feel when…

Experimental: 'Chapter V' was part of the nu new wave of nu new nu metal

… dirty vests. But it does essentially wipe the canvas clean. We are granted the ‘words’ of the language of music, but little else, as Lewis bestows the listener with a constant sense of the absolute. This is a series of compositions that communicates with its audience, reminding them repeatedly that this they are witnessing some form of music being created. We have musical instruments working cohesively to produce roughly the same rhythmic sounds in the same consonant keys and scales. This is underpinned by a percussion that is ordered to retain a 4/4 time signature at any cost. We have some starse vocals making little attempt to be melodic. What we have in essence are the very foundations of music itself. The memorable guitar riffs and accessible hit singles of early Staind are long gone, replaced with an advanced musical theology that sees Lewis apparently starting again, both as a composer and as a sexually potent…

… gender issues in NASCAR racing. Though some would argue ‘Chapter V’ exists as pure dichotomy. My own theory as discussed is that Lewis had reached a point where simply making music in the traditional sense could no longer satisfy his cerebral or artistic urges. He hoped to bring in a new wave of American rock and roll whereby the components of music language were present only. Some learned gentlemen, however, have attempted to advance an alternative theory, hypothesising that Lewis had simply reached a point of irreversible psychological trauma brought about by countless years of being ineffective as a sexually capable adult male. Did this turmoil manifest itself in the sadistic aim to simply torture listeners, to encourage them to experience the frustration and despair that had rooted themselves deep within Lewis’ psyche for endless years? For further listening, readers are advised to…

Phallic: Lewis demonstrates both wealth and sexual goals

… archetypal of the ‘hoe down‘. But looking to the future, it is difficult for academics to not approach future Staind releases with unbridled anticipation. The work Lewis has been threatening for years will surely usher in an even newer new wave, likely to feature the composer sitting in the corner of a recording studio, improvising on a single-stringed banjo whilst intermittently sobbing into a brand new Stetson.

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The professor can next be seen live in August at the Colchester branch of Costa Coffee, lecturing on the mythical depiction of South London present in the early work of So Solid Crew.

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Come Clean’ (2001) by Puddle Of Mudd

2 Apr

By Slick Nick

If there’s one thing this bandd will go ddown in history for, it’s teaching the masses (or maybe just their impressive 9815 Twitter followers) that ddoubling the letter D in things ddoesn’t make them any better, for example Puddle Of Mudd’s name and song-writing ability.

These chaps were part of the ‘nu grunge’ phenomenon that polluted rock charts during the late 90s and noughties – a genre that when dissected really means ‘to want to be like Nirvana whilst actually presenting music that is a million times shitter.’ Thus, Puddle Of Mudd brought these 13 or so crap songs to the table in 2001 and in doing so, effortlessly crafted one of the worst albums ever made.

Merely six seconds into opening single ‘Control’ and one thing becomes tragically clear; listening to this album will be as interesting as watching paint dry at a bus stop. Anyone that has been listening to rock for even a couple of years will likely have heard all these riffs in far better songs by other bands.

‘She Hates Me’ is another mindfuckingly awful single, sounding like a rejected song from Grease and quite unwelcome in an album that is fundamentally slow, grungy butt rock. Given how  different and obviously commercial it sounds compared to the other songs on the record, it just screams of gimick-single-to-get-band-on-the-radio, so much so that it makes Offspring’s noughties work look like fucking Despised Icon by comparison. Appalling.

Perhaps, given the overall listening experience, the most accurately-titled song on here is ‘Bring Me Down’. Its only point of note is the attempt at a tempo change that underpins a middle eight, but executed by musicians as talentless as Puddle Of Mudd, the piece is just clumsy and awkward, like admitting you watch Loose Women without irony to a small group of friends.

The final single ‘Blurry’ is passable I’ll admit, with some enjoyable moments. Apparently about the end of frontman Wes Scantlin’s marriage and not getting to see his kid, it’s the heartfelt tale of a woman not wanting her only child to be associated with a sub-par Kurt Cobain wannabe, and no one would blame her. Poor lyrics do undermine this tolerable pop song though.

Scantlin: 'I've written this many crap songs today.'

Considering how shit this music is, and how underwhelming the lead singles are, I did start to wonder what on earth any respective A&R professional would deem worthy enough in this band to invest valuable time and money in getting them on the music channels and into the music collections of people that like extremely crap songs. Delving into the Mudd biography it all became crystal clear – this lot were signed to Fred Durst‘s label for their big break. No further explanation is necessary after uncovering that nugget of music trivia, considering Durst is a man seemingly hellbent on bestowing the world with as much bad rock music as humanly possible.

Puddle Of Mudd have managed to sell a mind-boggling number of records, stretching into the millions. I’d love to meet a genuine fan of the group to ascertain what made this music good enough to purchase. Is it the boring guitarring? The excitement of the slow, ploddy music relentlessly executed in that barely explored 4/4 time signature?  The memorable lack of melody? The mediocrity of Scantlin’s entirely derivative vocal delivery? Perhaps I will never know. But one thing I do know for certain is that if an individual even has a single Nirvana MP3 in their music collection, it pretty much makes this group’s complete discography entirely fucking pointless.

‘She [metaphorically representing people that enjoy good music] fuckin’ hates me.’

Nickelback are the greatest band of all time

26 Mar

By Slick Nick

It really bothers me when so many crap bands get all the attention, acclaim and interest from the general public whilst the most important visionaries often get overlooked. Nickelback, a band I rarely go a day without listening to at least once, sadly fall into the latter category. I want to change this and open minds (and ears!) to the glorious majesty of Nickelback’s recorded output and highlight some of their more significant career moments.

Debut album ‘Curb’ starts rock ‘n’ roll

Many bands had attempted to play in a musical style that we now know as rock ‘n’ roll, but Nickelback were the first group to put electric guitars, bass guitars and drums together all at the same time in a recording studio. This revelation in 1996 left the world with the album ‘Curb’, a record years ahead of its time, almost too far ahead of its time. Though largley dismissed as ‘crap’ upon release, the album quickly developed a cult following and would go on to influence the likes of Buddy Holly, The Beatles, Slayer, Black Flag and Enya. Led Zeppelin in particular would highlight the album’s heavy blues-based riffing as a major inspiration.

Frontman Chad Kroeger turns out to be Jesus Christ

Whilst crafting the follow-up album to ‘Curb’, Mr Kroeger went on record in a number of magazine and television interviews to confirm that he was in fact the reincarnation of popular Christian figurehead Jesus of Nazareth. Though these claims were unsubstantiated at the time, eventually someone came forward with an artist’s impression of the original Christ in a children’s Sunday School pamphlet. Upon comparing this document with an image of Kroger in Metal Hammer magazine, the likenesses were deemed too similar for the story to not be 100% true. With such a significant figure in western civilisation at the helm, there was now no stopping Nickelback from achieving their first hit single.

‘Leader Of Men’ tops charts in all Christian nations for 2 years

With the power of a Demigod coarsing through his veins, Kroeger was able to craft the group’s first of many super smash hit singles. ‘Leader Of Men’ from legendary album ‘The State’ topped the charts in every western country for two years straight, a record that remains unbroken to this day. Manufacturers could barely keep up with the demand, forcing label Roadrunner Records to move production to a gigantic Chinese labour camp. At least seven deaths are known to have occurred there amongst staff quite literally worked until their last breath to cope with the ever increasing record sales.

Pictured below is a queue  of Nickelback fanatics outside Oxford Street’s HMV store, 68 weeks after the single’s initial release. Scientists even made the discovery of a copy of ‘Leader Of Men’ (albeit in an unlistenable condition) amongst the property of an Amazonian tribe thought to be completely untouched by civilization.

The song ‘Never Again’ ends all domestic abuse and wins Nobel Peace Prize

The classic album ‘Silver Side Up’ was notable for being a music scholar’s dream, effectively a rich tapestry of musical ingenuity, creativity, originality and feeling. Opening single ‘Never Again’, though lyrically drenched in metaphor, still delivered the message that the world (apart from Scotland) could relate to; that hitting women square in the face is a pretty bad thing to do.

The song tells the story of an abused wife from her son’s point of view. Kroeger compares the living room to a ‘boxing ring’, poignantly reminding the listener that punches also get thrown in said ring. The antagonist is then berrated by the singer, underpinning a stunning middle eight. From that point onwards, no women were ever beaten to a pulp by their male fuck partners ever again.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the band in a two-hour ceremony three minutes after the single’s release, culminating in the trophy itself being passed to the eager hands of Kroeger by Frank Bruno.

Dark Horse album recorded in a single take

Finally, the most recent page of musical history written by Nickelback came with the ironically-titled 2008 album ‘Dark Horse’, a record notable not only for its stellar song-writing, but also the manner in which it was made. Broadcast on the internet for the world to see, Nickelback laid every track down in order in a single take, making no mistakes whatsoever. Absolutely no over-dubbing or other studio trickery was used. The songs went into the pressing plant the very next day. Fans were left with what was essentially a live album that sounded just as over-produced and watered down for the radio as anything else in the charts with a guitar.

So what next for the band that has apparently done it all? The plethora of unauthorized Kroeger biographies are keen to speculate, however I am content to remain patient with the music I have of theirs knowing that whatever comes next will undoubtedly be life-affirming and massively superior to anything else around.

How could it not be, considering Nickelback are without a doubt the greatest band to ever set foot in a recording studio?

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘The Black Parade’ (2006) by My Chemical Romance

19 Mar

By Slick Nick

If I want to listen to retro rock, I may delve into my immense iTunes library and put on a bit of Journey or Cheap Trick. If I want to hear a bit of generic pop-punk then Blink182, Midtown or Lit usually does the job. If I want to listen to some piano-driven pop that uses minor sevenths, some Paul McCartney hits the spot. Then, if I fancy hearing some terrible singing, I’ve been known to enter ‘X Factor shit auditions’ into YouTube’s search bar. Luckily, if I ever want to hear all that at once, I can turn to this 2006 release by My Chemical Romance, one of the worst ‘alternative’ bands to make it big in the noughties.

After starting their career as a pretty bog-standard pop-punk group with a slightly different sound to all the billions of Greenday/NFG clones, something triggered MCR to become ‘artists’ rather than ‘dudes prolonging the inevitable despair-ridden office-driven existence by being in a band’. They started pulling in a plethora of musical influences largely favoured amongst the Dad community, whilst still underpinning their music with the generic, twenty year old riffs that all their peers had been using all along.

The Black Parade‘ is supposedly a concept album about someone passing away due to cancer, which is enough to put me off even playing it in the first place to be honest. I’m pretty sure in modern times, naming something as a ‘concept album’ is simply a way to protect bad music from harsh critics, who wouldn’t understand what these artists set out to achieve.

Musically, it’s not too far off from the likes of Cheap Trick and Kiss, if the former forgot how to write good songs and the latter wrote even worse songs. There’s also some masturbation over the likes of Lennon and Bowie, which is to be expected, and at least the songs do have one consistent quality running through them in that they are all for the most part total dogshit, particularly the lead singles.

The music is generally staggeringly mediocre at best. It’s not that catchy, it’s not that heavy, it’s not that fast. It’s just there to bolster camp, shrieking monstrosity Gerard Way’s irritating-as-fuck vocals, whilst ripping off Queen‘s harmonic guitar sound. Chord changes can be predicted a mile away, which leaves the album as tedious as wading through a thread about Blade Runner on an internet forum, which is in itself only slightly more tedious than watching the actual film I might add.

Hit single ‘Welcome To The Black Parade‘ was notable only for the music video, which looked to have cost the GDP of Paraguay to make and saw the group dress up as the evil sports jocks from the first Karate Kid movie, an idea that will surely be regretted by everyone involved for the rest of their lives. It’s an interesting song which opens with a minute or so of this album’s few bars of tolerable music, before delving into the group’s roots with an interlude of shitty pop punk before building to an irritatingly over the top chorus seemingly hellbent on ripping off their own breakthrough hit ‘I’m Not Okay (I Promise)’.

MCR rough up a fan for not paying for autograph backstage at the London Astoria in 2006

Other single ‘Teenagers’ is far worse; the kind of garbage you’d expect to be playing at the end of an Adam Sandler movie.

Aside from the music, one of the worst things about MCR is watching their press interviews. The band take themselves very seriously considering their childish, stage-school schtick, and hearing them dissect their own body of work and influences you’d think they’d just released the next fucking Sgt. Pepper or Nevermind. This behaviour, from a group that featured Lisa Minnelli on one of their songs, is fucking laughable.

 

We’ll caaaaaaarrrryyyyyy oooonnnn, we’ll wriiiiiiiiiiiiite shit sooooo-oooooongssssss.

 

Government quango confirms Steve Brookstein’s popularity to be ‘equal to that of The Wurzels’

13 Mar

By Slick Nick

A new government body (which was promised By Nick Clegg to not be going ahead but exists anyway) determined to uncover the great mysteries of popular music has confirmed what many insiders had suspected for years – that Steve Brookstein’s popularity is equal to that of classic alternative rock act The Wurzels.

The frequent performer to half-empty coffee shops won the 27th series of the X Factor back in 2004 and enjoyed a week-long record deal before being dropped by Song BMG. It is now thought that the total amount of time spent listening to his music by the British public is exactly the same for the entire discography of Sommerset’s favourite sons.

The latter group shot to fame in 1976 with chart-topping hit single ‘The Combine Harvester‘. Their subsequent 43 albums largely covered themes such as cider, muck-spreading and incest, yet failed to enjoy a mainstream fanbase.

Brookstein, 63, pictured below in the backstage area at Ealing Broadway’s Starbucks last Thursday, was said to be pleased with the report’s findings, suggesting it may be one of his greatest musical achievements.

Will sing for a vanilla bullshit thing

He said: ‘Growing up, The Wurzels were probably the main inspiration for me becoming a musician. Their body of work spoke to me about the dark underbelly nestling within Britain’s rural villages, but I couldn’t help but sing along.’

‘All the people that laughed at me and called me a deadbeat, a loser, a bitter old man, a no-talent shitheel, a non-entity, a stain on the very fabric of popular culture, a cheeseball, a self-promoting has-been, a waste of space and complete and utter mindfuckingly rubbish can do one – I am now officially as popular as the Wurzels, and they are not.’

Steve Brookstein’s new self-released single ‘How to Make Friends and Irritate Tweeters’ is out now on stereo cassette and available from all good newsagents.

 

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Doo-Wops & Hooligans’ (2010) by Bruno Mars

12 Mar

By Slick Nick

The first few months of a new year are usually trying times – it’s a struggle going back to work, the weather is shit, school kids are everywhere and Loose Women returns to television schedules. The early part of 2011 will always be remembered as a particularly frustrating period for me due to the compositions of Bruno Mars penetrating my daily morning and evening commutes like fucking wasp stings.

A poor man’s Michael Jackson, Mars shot to fame in 2010, largely for contributing bad ideas to already dreadful songs, like Travie McCoy’s mindfuckingly terrible  ‘Billionairre’, before ‘Doo-Wops & Hooligans’, his debut album, was released to almost total elation from music critics and fans of bad music alike. The problem was, no one knew they were actually listening to one of the worst albums ever made.

Modern pop isn’t really my critical forte. Having grown up on a diet of punk, hardcore, metal, surf and Abba, dissecting rubbish like this takes me out of my comfort zone a little bit. None the less, the two main singles irritated me enough to delve deeper into the Mars discography, which luckily begins and ends with these twelve songs.

This is fourty minutes or so of unimaginative, wishy-washy, forgettable pop. It is a collection of sadsack musings from a man that would have no shame in asking someone ‘why do you think girls don’t like me?’ and rest assured, it is just as annoying.

I will always remain stunned that lead single ‘Just The Way You Are‘ shifted so many units. A song that outstays its welcome after about 23 seconds and then builds to a punishing falsetto warble, it features ridiculously melodramatic lyrics that even fucking Celine Dion would probably be embarrased to sing. Follow-up ‘Grenade‘ is even worse, alluding to the act of suicide over a girl. By claiming to be able to catch a live hand grenade to protect the said girl, Mars also makes light of war and disrespects our boys in Afghanistan or where ever the hell else our forces are stuck these days. That’s just offensive.

I’d love to see this object of Mr Mars’ lyrics; to listen to him, you’d think the broad had been perfetly crafted by the very hands of God himself.

‘Our First Time’ is a tender, boring ode to a couple’s initial fuckfest. It’s little more than a demo, like someone trying out a new microphone for the first time.

Then, ‘Runaway Baby‘ ups the ante, offering a punchier, jive-inspired number. It fails immediately due to the previous few songs affirming Mars’ status as something of a despair-ridden pariah in the eyes of the opposte sex, and is thus as embarrassing as seeing your relatives dancing at a wedding.

The Lazy Song‘ has ‘hit single’ written all over it, which is a worry. Does the British youth of today really need any more inspiration to do nothing with their lives but listen to rap music and mate? The album’s lyrics reaches its peak of crapness on here though, as proven by this choice cut: ‘Tomorrow I’ll wake up do some P90x / Meet a really nice girl have some really nice sex / And she’s gonna scream out ‘this is great’ (Oh my God, this is great).’ Brilliant. Let’s all destroy every copy of Shakespeare’s complete works – we have a new literary genius to dissect for GCSE English classes now. Sadly, all this cut leaves the listener with is an image of Mr Mars quite literally laying around in bed within the throws of self gratification (wanking).

I have to admit that this album isn’t without its saving graces. ‘Count On Me’ is a pleasant, low-key effort just slightly undermined by childish lyrics, whilst ‘Liquor Store Blues’ has a thunderous raggae bass groove that can be felt as well as heard. It’s no Toots & The Maytals but it’s certainly listenable.

Finally, the album title is woefully misleading. I was hoping for some strong harmony work, maybe some retro acapella ideas and certainly at least one cover of ‘Blue Moon’ by the fucking Marcels. Sadly, there’s no actual doo-wop to be had here at all though.

 

I’d catch a grenade for you, then write a shit song for you.

Charity shops bracing themselves for rumoured Vanilla Ice comeback album

6 Mar

By Slick Nick

Senior management in charity shops across the nation are rumoured to be in the process of planning for a suspected Vanilla Ice comeback album. The crisis talks commenced on Monday 28th February.

The Eminem blueprint, 49, was recently given the boot from godawful ITV show Dancing on Ice after many years out of the spotlight. It is thought that Mr Ice will use his newfound fame to leverage a one album deal from a record label with extremely low standards. Pictured below in his 70s heyday, he is thought by insiders to be extremely keen to enjoy a regular income stream again, rather than relying on occasional gardening jobs in the Beverly Hills area.

Richard Wilkes, 50, Senior Vice President of Shelf Planning at the Barnardos group, has been working around the clock with a team of advisors to anticipate when the release of this album may be in order to make sure adequate space is available in stores for future donations.

He said: ‘When a sad old pop star is dusted off for a current reality TV show, it is always a concern and can put a great deal of pressure on our staff if a new album does get released. They will usually be crap novelty gifts that cannot even be re-sold on eBay, so people use charity shops to offload them by the ton.’

‘We’re not getting caught out again like we were with the last Peter Andre release. We’ll be moving the Russell Brand books, Dr Who videos, puzzles and Joe McElderry singles well in advance of any Vanilla Ice recording contract being signed.’

Vanilla Ice’s album will likely be released on compact disc and be availabile from all participating Little Chef restaurants

Matt Cardle ‘satisfied’ with Syco snack vending machines

27 Feb

By Slick Nick

Matt Cardle, winner of the 2010 series of X Factor, has gone on record to confirm his views that the vending machines at Syco records are more than adequate for his needs.

The tired cockney, 38, pictured below in talks with his chiropractor, has been working at the London premises since winning the contest’s top prize last year: a ten-record deal worth reportedly £1.4 billion.

During the day, Cardle, who can play an impressive three chords on electric guitar, has been seen conducting a regular late morning ritual of buying a packet of Walkers cheese & onion crisps and a can of regular Fanta. On occasions, he has also purchased Mars bars and Lucozade in the afternoons, presumably to get him through dance rehearsals.

He said: ‘The machines have everything a painter & decorator could hope for. Just solid, mass-produced high calorie foods that are likely the main cause of Britain’s obesity epidemic.’

‘If there was one thing that’s missing though, it would be some of that Polish meat in jars that I’ve seen in Sainsbury’s. I’d like to try that some time.’

‘I’ll bet you thought I was going to say jellied eels, right? Fuck you.’

The vending machines are replenished three times a week by a man in his late fifties.

‘I am well happy’: Cher Lloyd expresses joy at finding Friends seasons two and three on VHS in charity shop

20 Feb

By Slick Nick

Life as a pop star can bring with it vast fame and fortune, but sometimes it’s the little things that make the biggest difference. That’s why X Factor reject Cher Lloyd recently called a press conference to announce her joy at picking up two entire video boxsets of the hit 90s sitcom Friends in a local charity shop.

The anorexic, 29, saw the boxsets in the window of a Barnardos shop in hometown of Malvern, Worcestershire, earlier in the week.

There was repordely no price tag attached to the videos of the now ended sitcom, which told the story of only caucasian 30-somethings living, working and fucking in New York, arguably the most ethnically diverse city on the planet. After making an enquiry inside the shop to a woman that was hard of hearing, Ms Lloyd was able to secure a price of £7.50 in total for the items. She then required five carrier bags to get the videos home.

Cher said: ‘I never thought that when I entered the X Factor all those months ago that I’d be sitting here owning not one but two boxsets of Friends.’

‘It’s a shame my grandmother’s caravan burnt to the ground with her inside it a few years ago. She’d have been so proud to see this.’

When the skeleton intends to view the videos remains unclear. Some have speculated that she will watch one episode an evening until completing all cassettes. Others insist she will attempt to watch both seasons in their entirity across a single weekend. We will remain close to the sources and report any further developments as and when they happen.

Despite getting the boot quite early on in 2010′s X Factor finals, Cher Lloyd will be releasing an album this coming summer. Take that, Ofcom.

REVEALED: How Olly Murs ran out of toilet roll just hours before morning wank

6 Feb

By Slick Nick

Pop star Olly Murs was unable to masturbate according to his normal morning ritual today after finding himself without an adequate amount of bedside toilet roll needed to capture and dispose of the ejaculate.

The X Factor reject and current chart flop, 33, usually begins each day with a five minute wank with the aid of a toilet roll kept in his bedside cabinet.

It is thought that the air in the cockney’s bedroom being festuned with Old Spice the night before caused a sneezing fit, which required the use of the final few sheets of the Andrex toilet tissue.

He said: ‘It was a nightmare. Even though I was fully erect and good to go, I had to get out of my nice warm bed and go to the bathroom to get a new roll of toilet paper.’

‘By the way, would you like to buy some fruit and vegetables? We can probably come to an arrangement on some sort of bulk purchase.’

Syco management have confirmed that Mr Murs will now store several toilet rolls under his bed to prevent this kind of disaster happening again.

The album Olly Murs is out now and can be found playing at most ironic social gatherings of twenty-something music snobs.

Wanker?

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Adema’ (2001) by Adema

5 Feb

By Slick Nick

Adema – a word I never thought I’d see again. Still, that’s what this feature is about in a way – digging up long-forgotten shit from the past. And believe me, this is shit.

I suppose in hindsight, Adema serve a small purpose in 2011. People often disagree with me when I suggest that the noughties were generally the worst decade for music since the 1940s. They will claim metal in general, bands like Against Me! and Gaslight Anthem breaking big and the charts never looking better as reasons to cherish the past decade’s recorded output. Next time that happens, I can calmly sit down, load up Spotify and type ‘Adema’ in the search bar. “Come, my friend. Have a seat,” I’ll tell them. “I don’t feel the need to offer this debate anything more than for twelve tracks.”

It would be a feat of inhuman ability for Adema to have been even worse than they were on this self-titled debut, probably only released given the singer was the half brother of Jonathan Davies, vocalist of fellow Californian highschool bully victims Korn. Whilst that latter band had some nice ideas, occasionally effective riffing and rare hooks, Adema had precisely nothing to offer rock music in the slightest, save for a cute frontman. It’s worth noting that the brothers were as equally annoying to listen to on record though.

The Adema song-writing process was a straight forward one – you lay down some terrible guitar parts, execute a couple of forgettable verses and choruses and then go into a middle eight perpetuated by an array of silly effects pedals. The lyrics in particular, after some brief analysis, are dreadful to the point of being a near parody of shitty radio rock. This nugget of poetry from the song ‘Close Friend’ illustrates my point: ‘And now I know because you’ve done everything possible to me / Made me so upset.’ Upset? On a so-called alternative rock album? Even a monumental pussy like Bruno Mars would never write anything so pathetic.

The singing from Mark Chavez is appalling. Frankie Valli he ain’t. If your band can’t nail any semblance of a passable guitar riff, you’d better be sure as fuck that you have an arsenal of immaculately-executed hook-ridden melodies to bestow upon the record-buying public to compensate. Instead, almost every song uses the same tuneless melody, whined by a singer doing a mediocre Korn impression. Combining these factors with the clumsy lyrics and ‘Adema’ makes for one hell of a punishing listening experience.

There are clips on YouTube of the band performing these crap songs live and unplugged. This was an interesting idea – if the songs and singing are awful on record, even with all the modern studio effects and trickery, what on earth was there to gain in filming even more poorly executed versions of these godforsaken tracks? It was just one in a catalogue of poor decisions made in Adema’s career, a catalogue that began with the decision to give them a fucking record deal in the first place.

There were two singles from this piece of dog shit – ‘Giving In’ and ‘The Way You Like It’. In closing, the video for the latter made the least sense. This album is full to bursting point with lunk-headed self pity and despair. Then along comes a video showing the lead singer dancing with a decent bit of skirt at one of Adema’s very own shows. Apart from the obvious self-indulgence, two very different demographics of American teenagers appear to be targetted in the band’s marketing strategy. On the one hand, the clean-cut douchebag, and on the other, unpopular grunge rocker types. This just doesn’t work. Until kids ‘find’ themselves, there are firm boundaries in a social sense that teens stick to, and that music marketing should adhere to. You’re either a confident sportsman that gets to fuck cheerleaders at keg parties, or you listen to Marilyn Manson and cut yourself. The two should not be blurred or combined within music. Ever.

 

Nowadays no one remembers when they were young and made shit music

 

DISASTER: One Direction’s Harry Styles forgets house on paper round

30 Jan

By Slick Nick

Harry Styles, lead singer of future painters and decorators One Direction, reportedly failed to deliver the full quota of newspapers from his round which took place this Thursday.

Upon returning to the newsagent’s in his hometown of Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, the longhair was dismayed to discover a remaining Sun newspaper in the satchel part-owned by the shop.

Styles, 13, struggled to recall which house he had failed to deliver to.

He said: ‘I don’t know what to say. I usually do such a thorough job and even make sure the letter boxes don’t rattle and wake people up too early.’

‘I do remember swerving to avoid a particularly large dogshit on my bike at one point. That must have thrown my plans.’

The star, who will soon be working round the clock to ensure the petrol tank in Simon Cowell’s Bugatti is never empty, has worked the same paper route for around sixteen months, occasionally covering colleagues when they’re off sick. It consists of five Guardians, six Daily Mirrors, four Suns, one Independent and a worrying eleven Daily Mails.

Insiders believe no complaints were made over the incident, though shop owner Richard Wilkes, 5o, intends to conduct a thorough investigation.

 

One Direction are currently in the US recording an album which is bound to be the Sgt. Pepper of the iPad generation

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Hooray For Boobies’ (2000) by The Bloodhound Gang

29 Jan

By Slick Nick

Setting out with good intentions but then making a shit album is bad enough, but hey, we’re all human and not everyone can be as gifted as John Lennon or Rod Stewart when it comes to crafting unforgetable music. But when a band knowingly records an album of rubbish, then uses the resources and talents of top music industry figures to put it on compact disc for all eternity, that is slightly less forgivable.

Incase the album title doesn’t give it away, rest assured that Bloodhound Gang were not a group that took themselves overly seriously. This was an album full of jokes that would only appeal to the most loathsome of pubescents at best, and at worst, your Dad.

Like a lot of the worst albums ever made, ‘Hooray For Boobies’ encompasses an eclectic range of musical genres. Pop-punk at heart but with cod metal tendencies, the Gang were shrewd enough to ensure they remained current at the time by sprinkling the odd rap break and dance beat across their work. Case in point: hit single ‘The Bad Touch’, which sticks out like a lump of dogshit hanging from someone’s shoe, as well as being reminiscent of the theme tune to the long-forgotten Clothes Show.

One of my pet hates with albums in general is the use of non-musical filler, for example sound samples at the beginning of songs, spoken word clips taken from TV shows and movies, lengthy feedback (with a couple of exceptions) and entire songs used solely for non-musical ‘comedic’ purposes. Five of ‘Hooray For Boobies’ eighteen tracks fit into the latter category, plus there are various spoken word clips littered throughout. So apart from the music being terrible, the whole ordeal of listening to this reord is made all the more painful and drawn out by these techniques.

The production here is a joke, sounding like the instruments were recorded in someone’s garden shed with equipment from Argos. I have no problem with a band looking for a raw, stripped down sound if it suits their music, but when you’re making a pop album for the radio with the backing of a major label behind you, you’d better make sure you don’t come out of the recording studio with anything less than a polished, chunky and aesthetically pleasing sound at the very least.

This album teaches a fundamental life truth about music though – if it’s a terrible gimick, expect it to sell shitloads. If it’s a terrible gimick that features songs about burping and tits, with swear words censored in the videos, then expect it to sell shitloads and constantly permeate your everyday existence. Fucking forget escaping it for even one day unless you plan on spending some time alone in a padded cell. You can’t get away from it. Just suck it up, take it on the chin and make sure to have some decent ‘antidote’ music handy to soothe the agony. I’d recommend anything by the Ramones, Ten Yard Fight and Dire Straits, off the top of my head.

These chaps were a fair few years from being the stereotypical ‘just out of high school and arsing around before getting a proper job in IT sales‘ types at the time of recording this CD. I don’t believe for one second that singer/song-writer Jimmy Pop wasn’t a cold and calculating musical prodigy who knew damn well what he was doing when he wrote these crap songs in his late twenties. He spotted a gap in the market and filled it with ‘Hooray For Boobies’, and ever since has probably enjoyed a carefree existence, listening to the great symphonies of Bach, Mozart and Pachelbel on a $30,000 stereo whilst sitting on a beanbag stuffed entirely of money in a Beverly Hills mansion. The cunt.

 

Mum and Dad this is Chasey, Chasey this is the shit music that will help put my kids through college.

Joe McElderry due to have opinion on something

23 Jan

By Slick Nick

Joe McElderry, winner of 2009′s X Factor, is suspected of being in the process of forming an opinion on something.

The pop failure, 29, is strongly believed to be planning the communication of this opinion to coincide with the next release in his troubled music career.

Insiders are keeping tightly-lipped on the situation, though we would speculate the singer’s view would likely be on someone else’s new single or album which will undoubtedly sell more units than his own. Other likely topics would be declaring a recent global tragedy as ‘bad’, Cheryl Cole and the recent baby storylines in Eastenders.

Despite winning the prime time ITV karaoke contest with a staggering 486 votes, the clean-cut Geordie has struggled to win over the record-buying public like previous contestants. His album even failed to chart in Germany, whilst recent single ‘Someone Wake Me Up’ only sold nine copies.

He said: ‘Hopefully when this opinion of mine hits the middle pages of the tabloids, it will make the public realise that the music I’ve recorded is actually amazing.’

‘I just need to sell some records. The job market up in South Shields is pretty shit at the moment.’

 

Joe McElderry’s music releases are gradually being delisted by most highstreet stores.

 

The Worst Albums Ever Made – ‘Trapt’ (2002) by Trapt

22 Jan

By Slick Nick

Trapt’s mainstream musical career was launched in 2002 with the laughably bad single ‘Headstrong’. Three albums later and they’re still in much the same place as they were when they started – a band that is just there, with few people giving a shit.

Coming in at the arse end of nu metal’s popularity peak, this self-titled debut was an interesting beast, which encompassed most of the things that made that genre terrible (muddy production, lazy guitar riffing, similar beats) whilst injecting some fairly neat ideas that took the crapness to the next level.

The songs flit between watered down butt rock and wimpy One Tree Hill-esque self-pitious musings over clean guitars. When things get heavy, Trapt can barely motivate themelves to use riffs of more than two chords at a time. As for the lyrics – pitiful, as in they evoke genuine pity that grown adult males from a developed country could conceive such childish, derivative shite. It’s all about taking people on and breaking down etc. but you don’t win battles with watered down heavy metal music, as far as I’m aware.

The album runs out of ideas very early on. Every song has near identical execution, with clean verses and ‘heavy’ choruses. A couple of fucking breakdowns occassionally would have been welcome, to be honest, but would never have saved this from being another stain in the underpants of alternative rock.

Occasionally the drum timings veer slightly off the tried and tested 4/4 beat. Someone in this band must have been desperate to prove to their disappointed parents that all the money they’d blown on music lessons for their son hadn’t gone to waste. Unfortunately, they had.

Finally, the album cover annoys me. It’s hardly the symbol of cliched teen angst and radio rock superstardom that Trapt were aiming for. Maybe they ended up blowing all their marketing budget on effects pedals for their guitars rather than concept artists?

Headstrong to take up shelf space in charity shops since 2003.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Simon Cowell set to earn ‘shitloads’ in 2011

10 Jan

By Slick Nick

Pop Peelings can exclusively reveal that contrary to popular belief, music mogul Simon Cowell’s expected income for 2011 will be precisely ‘shitloads’, according to leaked documents.

The perenial sperm-provider to malnourished women will make the money through various television and music dealings that the public will know about through a carefully managed PR strategy later in the year, which will likely have a spot of pro war propaganda thrown in for good measure.

Cowell’s hit TV show X Factor, in which various multi-millionairres crush the dreams of low income families in front of a live audience of halfwits, is expected to launch in the USA in a deal reportedly worth ‘a fuck ton of dolla’.

The star, 73, is well known in media circles for having a taste for fast cars, faster women, and mind-numbingly bad music.

He said: ‘You can never have enough money. My Bugatti isn’t exactly a Renault Clio, you know.’

‘It’s just a shame you can’t fuel it with children’s tears. A damn shame.’

He is currently rumoured to be seeking planning permission to build a Scrooge McDuck style money bin next to one of his properties in a location that most people will never be able to afford to visit.

When asked about what he plans to spend his hard-earned money on, cowell replied: ‘Wine, women and song. And probably the DVD collection of Only Fools And Horses. Uncle Albert cracks me up.’

Is the Syco head taking fewer risks with old age? Insiders at the label are claiming that with 2011′s X Factor, Cowell will simply have the winner record a cover version of the previous week’s number one selling single, virtually eliminating any doubt whatsoever that his latest signee will have the much saught after Christmas number one.

He remarked: ‘I am certainly still a risk-taker.’

‘There’s a difference between not taking risks and just being damn lazy.’

Simon Cowell’s acts have releases out at the moment and these can be found in most substandard music collections.

Cheryl Cole set to beat everyone at Wii Tennis at secret NYE party

28 Dec

By Slick Nick

Tyneside superstar Cheryl Cole/Tweedy is the firm favourite to win all games of Wii Tennis at a forthcoming new year’s eve house party, set to take place at a secret location in Newcastle.

The mimer and shampoo seller will take on friends and family in a contest some insiders are claiming to be ‘just for a bit of a laugh, like.’

Violent Tweedy shot to fame in 2003 after assaulting a nightclub toilet attendant in a racially-motivated attack. She then married a black man a few years later to prove that she wasn’t a massive racist afterall.

Tweedy said: ‘Wii Sports proved a challenge initially but when I set me mind to something, I always beat it, like.’

‘I have thoroughly enjoyed practicing for this match, and will thoroughly enjoy the match itself.’

‘Do you want to buy some shampoo or other hair stuff?’

Bookies have slashed odds in half for a Cole victory despite some industry experts predicting an upset win from an Uncle, whose carer has let him play the Wii every day since its release in 2006.

He said: ‘I’ll do me best against Cheryl this week and hopefully I’ll at least get a sniff of her perfume when we’re playing together, like.’

‘There is one Christmas game she’ll never beat me at though – ‘hide the gin bottle from mam’ we call it.’

Cheryl Cole will probably have a book or CD or something else out in a few weeks that isn’t worth talking about.

Diana Vickers ‘very grateful’ after receiving Inception on DVD for Christmas

26 Dec

By Slick Nick

X Factor runner-up Diana Vickers surprised family members today by thanking them sincerely after receiving a brand new DVD of the motion picture Inception.

The singer, well known for her shunning of foot wear, was surprised to receive the critically acclaimed film following the creation of a Christmas wish list that largely comprised of perfume, shoes, pop CDs and a subscription to National Geographic magazine.

Diana’s Nan said: ‘I’d noticed favourable reviews for this DVD and bought it on impulse for Diana from a local branch of Blockbusters that had recently filed for bankruptcy. The shop assistant warned me that the first 45 minutes was largely exposition, but I know Diana’s a bright girl and could easily cope with some intelligent cinema.’

‘He was a very nice lad. It’s such a shame that the highstreet rental business model is virtually dead now due to the internet. Anyway, I hear the branch of W H Smiths down the road are recruiting.’

Diana herself was unavailable for comment, but those present have confirmed beliefs that the star of plays very few people can afford to attend was genuinely grateful and ‘looking forward to watching it with the commentaries’.

Diana’s new exercise DVD ‘Stumble Your Way To Slimdom’ is temporarily unavailable due to the manufacturer having to deal with a flooding issue.

Oritse Williams from JLS struggles to find a new car as he can ‘only drive automatics’.

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

Oritse Williams, crucial backing stripper in the hip-hip group JLS, was last night aghast at how difficult it is to find a decent affordable car with automatic transmission in the south of England.

The weight-lifter and occasional singer had visited a couple of dealerships in a couple of different locations, with each seller apparently coming up with little or no options. Though these outlets were part of larger chains, one was described by a Syco A&R representative as ‘independent, as if it was from the TV show Heartbeat.’

Oritse commented: ‘When I was a kid, I just wanted to learn to drive as quickly as possible so I could go around irritating innocent bystanders with preposterous mobile bass volumes. I started learning in an automatic car and within four short months, I had my own license.’

‘I wish I’d passed in a manual – the options would be far better. It just seems that whenever an automatic car goes up for sale in towns quite near my flat, some arsehole gets in there before me and snaps it up!’

Mr Williams, whose first name ocasionally baffles people meeting him for the first time, is said to now be seriously considering a black ’06 reg VW Golf or a Ford Focus from last year with obviously better mileage.

JLS’ new single ‘Much Ado About Clubbing’ is out in early January.

Rebecca Ferguson buys more than she planned during shopping trip

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

Yesterday, X Factor’s scouse princess Rebecca Ferguson reportedly bought more items on an outing to the shops than she had originally thought about.

In a moment of spontaneous madness, the mixed race female bought enough products to fill up an entire hand bag.

She said: ‘I’d only popped out to get some gin – before I knew it, I had purchased a small pile of things I had no idea I’d be buying when I woke up this morning.’

‘The liquor store had a world-beating display of soft drinks, so I helped myself to two cans of Diet Coke and a Fanta.’

The karaoke singer was then lured into a corner shop after noticing some crudely-written offers scrawled onto some flourescent bits of card in the window.

‘Toilet Duck was two for the price of one. What’s a girl to do but swipe a couple of bottles, eh?’

She returned home without further incident.

Rebecca Ferguson’s book ‘Single, Scouse and Adored’ is still struggling to secure a publishing deal.


“Looking at our clothes and bank balances, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were the archetypal John Hughes middle American parent types. We actually created a deadbeat painter that won a TV show in Britain.”

18 Dec

 

Only now do they look Matt in the eye

“Ok ok ok… When I say ‘brothers’, I really mean ‘PR tools’.”

18 Dec

Equal ops gone wrong

“Did you guys hear the one about the superstar who was too raucus for Starbucks? It goes a little something like this…”

12 Dec

 

Diehard fans watch him when he talks

“The flames are supposed to represent hell Rhianna, but you’ve not seen hell until you’ve been on the pavement outside Yates’s in Colchester town center on a Sunday morning.”

12 Dec

That is a look of scorn like no other

 

“I have decided not to wear clothes to symbolise the raw power of this song in a stipped-to-its-bones performance. I’m also aware that my male fans are mostly teenage boys that like titties.”

12 Dec

'What yo lookin' at?'

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