Spetters (1980 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Dutch coming-of-age epic sees three biker types experience chips, gang rape, disco, group wanking, brawling and both vaginal and anal sex in the wake of Saturday Night Fever.

3/5

CV Tip #74 (Tiger Woods)

No need to state your specific golf handicap on a CV – it’s entirely fucking irrelevant.

Premiership footballer accused of sleeping with own fiance

By Slick Nick

Fresh scandal gripped the Premier League last night when an unnamed footballing star was accused of having sex with a woman. The difference this time, however, is that the woman in question is the hero’s fiance.

It is said that the pair were spotted together at a generic bar in Ealing Broadway, enjoying drinks whilst discussing the drama that had unfolded in the past week’s episodes of Eastenders.

Suitably relaxed and comfortable in each other’s company, the caucasians then made their way to an Indian restaurant, where they enjoyed mild curries and light conversation. A complaint was made about some cold naan bread but witnesses have confirmed a ‘generous tip’ was still given to the waiter.

They then made their way home to a shared property in Greater London, where a sex act was performed on the England international. The couple then enjoyed some satisfying intercourse in the missionary position.

The accusations come amid public concern for the way footballers are depicted in the mainstream media.

Football fan Richard Wilkes, 50, said: ‘I’m annoyed with this news item.’

‘We look up to these guys as great sportsmen, but more importantly, as lotharios. They should be ball-deep in quality skirt at all times – it adds to the superstar persona. It’s certainly one of the main reasons I take my young son to the games each week.’

‘I think defamatory stories like this only serve to hurt an innocent man’s career and merchandise sales. It’s not on.’

Though the man in question cannot be named due to a superinjunction, his press spokesman has confirmed that in future, he will conduct himself and way that is more befitting of a modern Premiership footballer.

Giggs: ‘I am the Christ’

By Slick Nick

Disgraced Manchester United quarterback Ryan Giggs has stunned the footballing world with the outlandish claim that he is in fact the reincarnated carbon-based form of Jesus Christ. The revelation comes as attempts to haul into court anyone that has even thought about uttering his name have seemingly failed.

Mr Giggs, 22, recently caught the attention of the world’s media for allegedly having full penetrative intercourse with Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, a lady thought to be up to ten times more fuckable than his long-suffering wife. It is thought that the announcement of Giggs’ senior status in one of the planet’s top five religions will crush the perception that he is in fact a spineless, unfaithful and immoral human being with too much disposable income.

Innocent times: Pictured in 2010 many months before news broke of the alleged dickings

Proof will be provided that the star has not made false statements, including several carefully planned media spots in which Mr Giggs will re-enact well known scenes from the Bible. Rumours suggest that at a location to be confirmed, he will feed the entire immediate family of Scottish Prime Minister Sir Alex Ferguson with two loaves of Hovis medium-slice bread and a single packet of Tesco mackeral fillets.

Giggs himself was unavailable for comment, instead choosing to dedicate his time between now and the next football season to preparing for his new role as the saviour of all mankind; by growing his hair and shopping for sandals.

Stars: Giggs and United team mates celebrate winning 2011's Premier League

Publicist Max Clifford was on hand to discuss a few points.

He said: ‘When a wealthy celebrity gets caught quite literally with their pants down, it is my job to make sure they are seen in a positive light to deflect some of the damage to their image.’

‘Usually we build a careful and subtle media campaign over a period of weeks, however at this present moment, my minions are up to their eyeballs in work. So many of our clients are demanding press coverage for doing absolutely nothing of interest whatsoever.’

‘This Jesus thing should hopefully put everything right in one go so we can focus on Kerry Katona‘s next visit to Asda.’

Ryan Giggs will be seen walking quickly [water skiing] on water at Liverpool’s Albert Dock in the middle of July.

Cool Runnings (1993)

Unlikely sportsmen overcome snow and racism to honour their part of Adidas sponsorship deal.

2/5