Cape Fear (1962 dir. J. Lee Thompson)

Hugely dramatic opening score gives way to disappointment.

3/5

Wild At Heart (1990 dir. David Lynch)

Wackjob auteur brings The Wizard Of Oz up to date with added sexual assault, gratuitous murders and karaoke.

3/5

Black Swan (2010 dir. Darren Aronofsky)

Unhealthy-looking dancer is moved literally to goosebumps at the thought of mild sexual assault at the hands of archetypal ballet management type.

4/5

Marnie (1964 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

Mother’s whoring and act of manslaughter causes mental health problems in later years for James Bond fuck target/wife.

3/5

The Gingerbread Man (1998 dir. Robert Altman)

Old timer gets shot in the throat by thesp after failing to wear appropriate footwear for pottering about in forest.

3/5

Jade (1995 dir. William Friedkin))

Kinky homemade fuck video leads to the gunning down of senior Aliens marine.

2/5

The Bird With The Crystal Plummage (1970 dir. Dario Argento)

Rare birdsong leads to falsely-accused man’s head contents being spilled on Italian pavement.

3/5

Dial M For Murder (1954 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

Frightfully well-spoken British gents plot to have slut garrotted, before other gents nearly have her hung from neck until death.

4/5

Edge Of Darkness (2010 dir. Martin Campbell)

After taking daughter’s graphic shotgunning surprisingly well, Aussie Irish American bonds with infamous barrow boy over smoking.

2/5

Splice (2009 dir. Vincenzo Natali)

Fuelled by average music and empty calories, heavily-nostrilled scientist creates bum-headed abomination for medical advancement and ten minutes of full intercourse.

2/5

The Fourth Man (1983 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Dutch nose spoils moment of ejaculation by speaking of Biblical figures before experiencing world’s fastest haircut and mental breakdown.

3/5

Jaws (1975)

Arsehole fisherman/war veteran makes life hell for hairy academic at sea in Hollywood-changing immigration allegory.

4/5

Blue City (1986)

Bratpacker stretches audience sympathies to breaking point after committing ABH, arson, common assault, use of an unlicensed firearm in public, vandalism, theft, breaking & entering and murder in the space of eighty minutes.

1/5

Basic Instinct (1992 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

Slutty scribe makes Seinfeld postman uncomfortable and then mates.

2/5