Tag Archives: X Factor

DISASTER: One Direction’s Harry Styles forgets house on paper round

30 Jan

By Slick Nick

Harry Styles, lead singer of future painters and decorators One Direction, reportedly failed to deliver the full quota of newspapers from his round which took place this Thursday.

Upon returning to the newsagent’s in his hometown of Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, the longhair was dismayed to discover a remaining Sun newspaper in the satchel part-owned by the shop.

Styles, 13, struggled to recall which house he had failed to deliver to.

He said: ‘I don’t know what to say. I usually do such a thorough job and even make sure the letter boxes don’t rattle and wake people up too early.’

‘I do remember swerving to avoid a particularly large dogshit on my bike at one point. That must have thrown my plans.’

The star, who will soon be working round the clock to ensure the petrol tank in Simon Cowell’s Bugatti is never empty, has worked the same paper route for around sixteen months, occasionally covering colleagues when they’re off sick. It consists of five Guardians, six Daily Mirrors, four Suns, one Independent and a worrying eleven Daily Mails.

Insiders believe no complaints were made over the incident, though shop owner Richard Wilkes, 5o, intends to conduct a thorough investigation.

 

One Direction are currently in the US recording an album which is bound to be the Sgt. Pepper of the iPad generation

BREAKING NEWS: Simon Cowell set to earn ‘shitloads’ in 2011

10 Jan

By Slick Nick

Pop Peelings can exclusively reveal that contrary to popular belief, music mogul Simon Cowell’s expected income for 2011 will be precisely ‘shitloads’, according to leaked documents.

The perenial sperm-provider to malnourished women will make the money through various television and music dealings that the public will know about through a carefully managed PR strategy later in the year, which will likely have a spot of pro war propaganda thrown in for good measure.

Cowell’s hit TV show X Factor, in which various multi-millionairres crush the dreams of low income families in front of a live audience of halfwits, is expected to launch in the USA in a deal reportedly worth ‘a fuck ton of dolla’.

The star, 73, is well known in media circles for having a taste for fast cars, faster women, and mind-numbingly bad music.

He said: ‘You can never have enough money. My Bugatti isn’t exactly a Renault Clio, you know.’

‘It’s just a shame you can’t fuel it with children’s tears. A damn shame.’

He is currently rumoured to be seeking planning permission to build a Scrooge McDuck style money bin next to one of his properties in a location that most people will never be able to afford to visit.

When asked about what he plans to spend his hard-earned money on, cowell replied: ‘Wine, women and song. And probably the DVD collection of Only Fools And Horses. Uncle Albert cracks me up.’

Is the Syco head taking fewer risks with old age? Insiders at the label are claiming that with 2011’s X Factor, Cowell will simply have the winner record a cover version of the previous week’s number one selling single, virtually eliminating any doubt whatsoever that his latest signee will have the much saught after Christmas number one.

He remarked: ‘I am certainly still a risk-taker.’

‘There’s a difference between not taking risks and just being damn lazy.’

Simon Cowell’s acts have releases out at the moment and these can be found in most substandard music collections.

Cheryl Cole set to beat everyone at Wii Tennis at secret NYE party

28 Dec

By Slick Nick

Tyneside superstar Cheryl Cole/Tweedy is the firm favourite to win all games of Wii Tennis at a forthcoming new year’s eve house party, set to take place at a secret location in Newcastle.

The mimer and shampoo seller will take on friends and family in a contest some insiders are claiming to be ‘just for a bit of a laugh, like.’

Violent Tweedy shot to fame in 2003 after assaulting a nightclub toilet attendant in a racially-motivated attack. She then married a black man a few years later to prove that she wasn’t a massive racist afterall.

Tweedy said: ‘Wii Sports proved a challenge initially but when I set me mind to something, I always beat it, like.’

‘I have thoroughly enjoyed practicing for this match, and will thoroughly enjoy the match itself.’

‘Do you want to buy some shampoo or other hair stuff?’

Bookies have slashed odds in half for a Cole victory despite some industry experts predicting an upset win from an Uncle, whose carer has let him play the Wii every day since its release in 2006.

He said: ‘I’ll do me best against Cheryl this week and hopefully I’ll at least get a sniff of her perfume when we’re playing together, like.’

‘There is one Christmas game she’ll never beat me at though – ‘hide the gin bottle from mam’ we call it.’

Cheryl Cole will probably have a book or CD or something else out in a few weeks that isn’t worth talking about.

Diana Vickers ‘very grateful’ after receiving Inception on DVD for Christmas

26 Dec

By Slick Nick

X Factor runner-up Diana Vickers surprised family members today by thanking them sincerely after receiving a brand new DVD of the motion picture Inception.

The singer, well known for her shunning of foot wear, was surprised to receive the critically acclaimed film following the creation of a Christmas wish list that largely comprised of perfume, shoes, pop CDs and a subscription to National Geographic magazine.

Diana’s Nan said: ‘I’d noticed favourable reviews for this DVD and bought it on impulse for Diana from a local branch of Blockbusters that had recently filed for bankruptcy. The shop assistant warned me that the first 45 minutes was largely exposition, but I know Diana’s a bright girl and could easily cope with some intelligent cinema.’

‘He was a very nice lad. It’s such a shame that the highstreet rental business model is virtually dead now due to the internet. Anyway, I hear the branch of W H Smiths down the road are recruiting.’

Diana herself was unavailable for comment, but those present have confirmed beliefs that the star of plays very few people can afford to attend was genuinely grateful and ‘looking forward to watching it with the commentaries’.

Diana’s new exercise DVD ‘Stumble Your Way To Slimdom’ is temporarily unavailable due to the manufacturer having to deal with a flooding issue.

Oritse Williams from JLS struggles to find a new car as he can ‘only drive automatics’.

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

Oritse Williams, crucial backing stripper in the hip-hip group JLS, was last night aghast at how difficult it is to find a decent affordable car with automatic transmission in the south of England.

The weight-lifter and occasional singer had visited a couple of dealerships in a couple of different locations, with each seller apparently coming up with little or no options. Though these outlets were part of larger chains, one was described by a Syco A&R representative as ‘independent, as if it was from the TV show Heartbeat.’

Oritse commented: ‘When I was a kid, I just wanted to learn to drive as quickly as possible so I could go around irritating innocent bystanders with preposterous mobile bass volumes. I started learning in an automatic car and within four short months, I had my own license.’

‘I wish I’d passed in a manual – the options would be far better. It just seems that whenever an automatic car goes up for sale in towns quite near my flat, some arsehole gets in there before me and snaps it up!’

Mr Williams, whose first name ocasionally baffles people meeting him for the first time, is said to now be seriously considering a black ’06 reg VW Golf or a Ford Focus from last year with obviously better mileage.

JLS’ new single ‘Much Ado About Clubbing’ is out in early January.

Rebecca Ferguson buys more than she planned during shopping trip

24 Dec

By Slick Nick

Yesterday, X Factor’s scouse princess Rebecca Ferguson reportedly bought more items on an outing to the shops than she had originally thought about.

In a moment of spontaneous madness, the mixed race female bought enough products to fill up an entire hand bag.

She said: ‘I’d only popped out to get some gin – before I knew it, I had purchased a small pile of things I had no idea I’d be buying when I woke up this morning.’

‘The liquor store had a world-beating display of soft drinks, so I helped myself to two cans of Diet Coke and a Fanta.’

The karaoke singer was then lured into a corner shop after noticing some crudely-written offers scrawled onto some flourescent bits of card in the window.

‘Toilet Duck was two for the price of one. What’s a girl to do but swipe a couple of bottles, eh?’

She returned home without further incident.

Rebecca Ferguson’s book ‘Single, Scouse and Adored’ is still struggling to secure a publishing deal.


“Looking at our clothes and bank balances, you’d be forgiven for thinking we were the archetypal John Hughes middle American parent types. We actually created a deadbeat painter that won a TV show in Britain.”

18 Dec

 

Only now do they look Matt in the eye

“Ok ok ok… When I say ‘brothers’, I really mean ‘PR tools’.”

18 Dec

Equal ops gone wrong

“I fucking love being in this band – you’re never too far away from a mob of ugly pre-pubescent chicks.”

17 Dec

Why write on paper when you have a human face handy?

“Did you guys hear the one about the superstar who was too raucus for Starbucks? It goes a little something like this…”

12 Dec

 

Diehard fans watch him when he talks

“Bitch be trippin’ making me walk down all these stairs. These heels bite like a motherfucker.”

12 Dec

 

Her legs do work after all

“The flames are supposed to represent hell Rhianna, but you’ve not seen hell until you’ve been on the pavement outside Yates’s in Colchester town center on a Sunday morning.”

12 Dec

That is a look of scorn like no other

 

“I have decided not to wear clothes to symbolise the raw power of this song in a stipped-to-its-bones performance. I’m also aware that my male fans are mostly teenage boys that like titties.”

12 Dec

'What yo lookin' at?'

“Yep. This is a far cry from the fucking Disney Club.”

12 Dec

Uncle Walt would have been proud

“I love to conduct sing-songery nearly as much as I love oiled men in their pants to writhe with me.”

12 Dec

Just an average Saturday night for Neighbours soap star

“Shovelling popcorn and dispensing cola for 8 hours a day plays havock with your hand skin!”

11 Dec

'Do you want sweet or salty (lol) popcorn?'

“Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going and then you might have this many (two) fans!”

11 Dec

He's the man girls want and the man boys want to be

“Whilst I am usually morose and ‘intense’, occasionally I make people shit themselves laughing by pulling an out of character wacky face. Give it a few months and you’ll never hear from me again, I swear.”

11 Dec

This will make you spit tea over your monitor

“This is how we dress in the carehome until they can get the heating fixed.”

11 Dec

Current or cold?

“My name is Wagner. I am here to relax the brown seller of hand jobs to secure private discount.”

11 Dec

He'll want to wash his hands afterwards

“I gotsta git me some motherfuckin’ sparkles and a ballgown.”

11 Dec

She hadn't moved from this spot for 5 hours

“That’s it love, you take it in the mouth. This is how we do it back home in the toilets of Wetherspoon’s.”

11 Dec

Symbiotic relationship

“Howay the lads! Hold on to your fucking sides whilst I play a joke on the boss!”

11 Dec

GSOH

“Special delivery! Who ordered the shit-eating grin then?”

10 Dec

The equipment in that case won't be used on good music

“You can’t blame a honey for getting knocked up so young with pins like these.”

8 Dec

A worthy sperm receptacle

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