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STORY: The Man Who Thought He Was Cheryl Cole

5 Sep

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

On the train to work, he displayed a hand tattoo etched by biro. He pretended to wave a flowing lock of chemically-enhanced hair in other commuter’s faces. He caught a glimpse of a photo of Cheryl Cole in a business man’s ruffled copy of that morning’s Metro, saying “that wasn’t taken at me best angle like.”

When the train arrived at its destination, he threw down a red bath mat and made his exit. He stopped to speak to a ticket inspector: “That train journey was thoroughly entertaining and I thoroughly enjoyed myself pet.”

He popped into a nearby coffee house and ordered his favourite beverage by commanding “just my usual, pet” to the bewildered man behind the counter, who’d never seen him before.

“Where’s the nearest dressing room pet?” asked out hero, referring to the toilet. He was directed to the ladies room at the back of the premises, where he did his business amidst a handful of screams from inside.

“That toilet wasn’t what I was expecting, but I still thoroughly enjoyed myself,” he said, spraying hairspray on his cropped mop.

Because he's worth it

Because he’s worth it

At work in the city, he called the office temp over to his desk. She handed him the business report that was due, and he perused it whilst applying another layer of mascara.

“I like you a lot as a person pet but we haven’t seen the best of you on this occasion. I think you could be in trouble this week.”

He was called into an interview with a candidate for a role in finance. After an hour of competency-based questions, he asked the candidate to give a short rendition of ‘fight for this love’ by Cheryl Cole. The candidate begrudgingly did so.

“I’ve interviewed ten candidates for this position pet and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed working with you,” said our hero. Then after a 5 minute pause: “It’s not good news I’m afraid. You’re not in my final three.” They sobbed together for another five minutes.

On the commute home, he came across a wild-haired busker playing a Smiths song on a dirty acoustic guitar. He threw some pennies into the busker’s guitar sack and approached.

“I don’t know what that was you were playing pet, but I found it thoroughly entertaining and I’m looking forward to seeing what you do next.”

His evening finished like it always did, furiously masturbating over an old photo of Ashley Cole from the back of a 2006 Sun newspaper, its ink virtually faded away.

“I’m sorry I kept hiding the remote, Ash.”

And then sleep washed over him.

 

 

 

 

This is The End (2013 dir. Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg)

7 Jan

Mildly amusing Jews interupt each other.

3/5

imdb

48 Hrs. (1982 dir. Walter Hill)

6 Jan

Future gravel throat pairs with future star of flops to walk quickly from scene to scene.

2/5

IMDB

Demolition Man (1993 dir. Marco Brambilla)

5 Jan

Muscleheads spoil a eutopian future with poorly realised fight scenes.

2/5

IMDB

Trance (2013 dir. Danny Boyle)

22 Dec

Like Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind with immaculately shaved genitals.

3/5

IMDB

The Wild One (1953 dir. László Benedek)

21 Dec

Bikers terrorise smalltown types with outlandish headwear.

4/5

IMDB

CV Tip #136 (Hungary)

19 Dec

“I’m always curious to learn new things so recently I’ve been trying to learn Hungarian.”

Great, that will get you far; learning the language from a country no one trades with or cares about and is broke.

When can you start?!

CV TIPS

hungary

CV Tip #152 (Phil Mitchell)

18 Dec

Show-off:

“‘I have a full UK driving license (had for 23 years), and drive a Mercedes, with comprehensive insurance/breakdown cover.”

CV TIPS

phil mitchell

CV Tip #198 (Sir David Attenborough)

17 Dec

It’s been said countless times before, but be mindful of puting irrelevant crap on your CV for someone to trawl through:

“Married with one child (# # #  aged 2 years 6 months) 4 dogs and 1 canary.”

CV TIPS

david attenborough

CV Tip #118 (Televangelist)

16 Dec

If you’re passionate about the industry you’re applying to join, that’s cool, but don’t go overboard:

“since the age of 16 when my family first had Sky TV installed, i have become RELIGIOUSLY interested in ALL forms of Consumer TV,”

CV TIPS

televangelist

CV Tip #165 (Pimp my ride)

15 Dec

Got any nice hobbies? This is something I ask myself a lot when trying to get to the end of a crappy application.

“I got my own car which i like to fix and pimp up”

Fucking mindblowing. If there’s one word you never ever want to see on a CV, it’s the word ‘pimp’.

CV TIPS

pimp my ride

CV Tip #149 (Militia)

14 Dec

Learn to fucking proof read what you’re writing about yourself:

“A militia-skilled IT support analyst”

CV TIPS

militia

CV Tip #199 (Margie!)

13 Dec

From a CV, complete with exclamation mark for some reason:

Margie was my team manager!”

Nice. Everyone knows Margie, right? Good ol’ Margie! Anyone that has worked for her can pretty much walk into any job they wish to.

I’m willing to bet that no recruiter or hiring manager gives a fuck about Margie, much less wants to read about her on a CV.

CV TIPS

margie

CV Tip #132 (Gordon Gecko)

12 Dec

Opening line on a CV:

“A well-dressed individual.”

Fucking fantastic. Forget skills, knowledge, experience, qualifications… if you’ve got some nice shirts in your wardrobe, that’s all you need.

CV TIPS

gordon

CV Tip #106 (Brain surgeon)

11 Dec

Talk yourself up on a CV for sure but don’t get too analytical and made ridiculous statements about your own neurobiological construct:

“My brain consist of passion (30%), brave(25%), creative idea (25%) , kind and honest(20%)”

CV TIPS

brain

CV Tip #127 (Brian wilson)

10 Dec

“I play piano (badly) and guitar (less badly)”

Fucking brilliant. When can you start?

CV TIPS

brian wilson

CV Tip #144 (NEETs)

9 Dec

The covering letter is a sales tool for yourself, a pamphlet if you will, there to excite employers at the prospect of meeting you.

It is not a document for modesty (or stupidity):

“NO – I DON’T HAVE A DIRECT AND ESSENTIAL SKILLS TO APPLY FOR THIS POPSSITION
NO – I’M NOT A SPECIALIST IN COMAPRE TO JOB DESCRIPTION I’VE READ ON YOUR ADVERT
NO – I’M NOT A MANAGER, EXECUTIVE, HOD, BRAND OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF REVELANT PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO HIRE”

CV TIPS

neats.

CV Tip #173 (The Holy Bable)

8 Dec

Let me say this once and for all; praying is not a hobby. It’s a deeply flawed and futile waste of time.

It’s also not worth stating on a CV, especially if you’re also demonstrating your total ineptness at writing English.

“I Enjoy Praying Jehovah God Yoroba Host, Watching TV Sport, News, Attending Bable Class,”

CV TIPS

 bable

CV Tip #161 (Mr Moustache)

7 Dec

“I have been known to grow moustaches for Movember.”

Brilliant. What a great attribute to put on a CV, the fact that you’ve sat there for one month in the year and not bothered to shave.

CV TIPS

mr moustache

CV Tip #105 (Mr Motivator)

7 Dec

Always remember that the CV is useful for a potential employer to decide whether you have the skills and experience to add value to the organisation.

Therefore, never put this line on a CV ever:

“I have helped a few of my friends become healthier and fitter.”

CV TIPSmotivator

Get Carter (1971 dir. Mike Hodges)

30 Nov

Lead cockney points his finger at supporting cast.

3/5

iMDB

Scum (1979 dir. Alan Clarke)

29 Nov

Violent cockneys seek father figures.

4/5

IMDB

The Impossible (2012 dir. Juan Antonio Bayona)

29 Nov

Whites playing Hispanics get soaked in the pursuit of Oscar glory.

3/5

IMDB

The Shock Doctrine (2009 dir. Michael Winterbottom)

25 Nov

Sarah Palin look-a-like analyses broke Hispanics.

3/5

IMDB

Obsession (1976 dir. Brian De Palma)

24 Nov

Hitchcock wankfest inspires Old Boy.

3/5

IMDB

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