Archive | 9:23 pm

Home Alone (1990)

30 Oct

Bad parenting results in ABH.

3/5

The Big Lebowski (1998)

30 Oct

Bum receives alcoholic donations whilst wearing breakfast gown.

5/5

Evil Dead II (1987)

30 Oct

Cult icon dicks around in possessed log cabin.

3/5

Shaun Of The Dead (2004)

30 Oct

Steve Coogan’s sidekick brings fart gags and bad music to armageddon.

3/5

Dawn Of The Dead (1978)

30 Oct

Heavily armed invaders bring genocide to the mall.

4/5

The Exorcist (1973)

30 Oct

Only child confronts puberty with Christ.

5/5

Psycho (1960)

30 Oct

Landlord displays little customer service knowledge.

5/5

Battleship Potemkin (1925 Sergei Eisenstein)

30 Oct

Stairway shoot-out from ‘The Untouchables’ done properly by communists.

4/5

Let The Right One In (2008)

30 Oct

Calm vampire girl orchestrates a high-school massacre without weaponry.

1/5

The Green Mile (1999)

30 Oct

Obviously innocent man proves his innocence by handling another man’s balls.

3/5

The Road (2009)

30 Oct

Nature hike goes horribly wrong for un-named father and son.

4/5

Avatar (2009 dir. James Cameron)

30 Oct

Iraq invasion allegory replaces oil for stupidly-named maguffin.

4/5

Iron Maiden – ‘Bring Your Daughter… To The Slaughter’ (Song 18 of 18)

30 Oct

Shit got very real at the end of 1990 as a bonafide heavy metal anthem sold more singles than anything else for two weeks. It’s not a great song but any metal is better than none, to some extent.

3/5

Cliff Richard – ‘Saviour’s Day’ (Song 17 of 18)

30 Oct

I could write for a year and still only express a fraction of my hatred for this individual. What do you get when Cliff Richard and Christianity colide? An awful Christmas number 1.

0/5

Vanilla Ice – ‘Ice Ice Baby’ (Song 16 of 18)

30 Oct

White-guy rapping now, with the Queen-sampling monster hit by large Texan Robert Van Winkle. I think this would have spent longer than 4 weeks at the top if he’d have used his real name. This was a very big deal for hip hop back then – make of that what you will. It also sucks harder than a Saigon hooker in 1968.
1/5

Righteous Brothers – ‘Unchained Melody’ (Song 15 of 18)

30 Oct

Otherwise known as the hit made famous by pottery. This is how you do the oldies – don’t fuck about with a shoddy re-recording, just release the same single decades later. Despite spending 4 weeks at number 1 and being the top-selling single of the year, it’s still only an ok song.

2/5

Beautiful South – ‘A Little Time’ (Song 14 of 18)

30 Oct

It’s little more than lift music, underpinned with the Ramones’ ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ riff. I like the male/female harmonies though, which were rare at the time. It is totally unoffensive and unremarkable, perhaps why it spent a mere week at the top spot.

2/5

Maria McKee – ‘Show Me Heaven’ (Song 13 of 18)

30 Oct

It’s a well-crafted single that demonstrates McKee’s compelling vocal range. It’s also pretty annoying.

2/5

Steve Miller Band – ‘The Joker’ (Song 12 of 18)

30 Oct

Take everything that’s fun and exciting about rock ‘n’ roll, discard it, and that’s basically the Steve Miller Band left behind. Having said that, it’s probably the closest thing to rock ‘n’ roll in the charts during this era, so deserves some praise.

2/5

Bombalurina – ‘Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini’ (Song 11 of 18)

30 Oct

I bet Timmy Mallet to this day is still living off the royalties for this one. The amusing thing is this wasn’t the fly-by-night novelty shit scraping that you’d expect. This entered the charts at number 23 and steadily rose to the top over a few weeks. That means that people consciously made the decision after being constantly exposed to this ode to beachwear to invest hard-earned money. ‘After listening to this song in depth, I simply cannot go on without owning it.’ Still, number 1 in twelve countries shouldn’t be sniffed at. It’s a welcoming thought that in these times of simmering global conflicts, back in 1990 a bunch of nations could get along, crank up the volume on their stereos and enjoy some relentlessly shit music together.

0/5

Partners In Kryme – ‘Turtle Power’ (Song 10 of 18)

30 Oct

At the time this must have seemed like a good idea.

0/5

Elton John – ‘Sacrifice’ / ‘Healing Hands’ (Song 9 of 18)

30 Oct

The only sacrifice here was 5:03 of my time, where I could have been listening to better music. It’s Elton. It’s got a piano. It’s dull. I suppose it’s swell that a proper song spent the longest amount of time in the charts in 1990 though, with this one taking the top spot for an impressive 5 weeks.

2/5

EnglandNewOrder – ‘World In Motion’ (Song 8 of 18)

30 Oct

Now this was a football team… holding their own on the pitch and in the recording studio. I don’t get the constant references to the one on one thing. I always thought foot-soccer was played with eleven players on each team, but that shows what I know. Anyway, this is pretty much the definition of shit. Like the NKOTB song, you just know the guys were longing to get on the hookers and cocaine instead of being cooped up in a studio recording terrible novelty singles.

0/5

Adamski – ‘Killer’ (Song 7 of 18)

30 Oct

His real name was Adam Tinley, and making repetitive acid house music was one of his main interests. After the bass hook, this goes on and on without going anywhere, like ther M25 at 7.45am. The 90s metallic piano makes a welcome appearance at 2:27 though, and Seal’s reassuring black guy vocals do give the song a certain quality. Adamski also had a song called ‘N-R-G’, which was an improvement in my opinion.

2/5

Maddona – ‘Vogue’ (Song 6 of 18)

30 Oct

I think this one is supposed to imply that as long as you can bust a groove on a non-descript dance floor, you’ll always have the visage of a superstar. Clearly Madge hadn’t been to any British weddings then. Anyway, the song sucks and has an ill-advised spoken word segment. It’s also ludicrously long at 5:17. Did she think she was Brian Wilson or something?

1/5

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