Archive | May, 2011

Giggs: ‘I am the Christ’

31 May

By Slick Nick

Disgraced Manchester United quarterback Ryan Giggs has stunned the footballing world with the outlandish claim that he is in fact the reincarnated carbon-based form of Jesus Christ. The revelation comes as attempts to haul into court anyone that has even thought about uttering his name have seemingly failed.

Mr Giggs, 22, recently caught the attention of the world’s media for allegedly having full penetrative intercourse with Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, a lady thought to be up to ten times more fuckable than his long-suffering wife. It is thought that the announcement of Giggs’ senior status in one of the planet’s top five religions will crush the perception that he is in fact a spineless, unfaithful and immoral human being with too much disposable income.

Innocent times: Pictured in 2010 many months before news broke of the alleged dickings

Proof will be provided that the star has not made false statements, including several carefully planned media spots in which Mr Giggs will re-enact well known scenes from the Bible. Rumours suggest that at a location to be confirmed, he will feed the entire immediate family of Scottish Prime Minister Sir Alex Ferguson with two loaves of Hovis medium-slice bread and a single packet of Tesco mackeral fillets.

Giggs himself was unavailable for comment, instead choosing to dedicate his time between now and the next football season to preparing for his new role as the saviour of all mankind; by growing his hair and shopping for sandals.

Stars: Giggs and United team mates celebrate winning 2011's Premier League

Publicist Max Clifford was on hand to discuss a few points.

He said: ‘When a wealthy celebrity gets caught quite literally with their pants down, it is my job to make sure they are seen in a positive light to deflect some of the damage to their image.’

‘Usually we build a careful and subtle media campaign over a period of weeks, however at this present moment, my minions are up to their eyeballs in work. So many of our clients are demanding press coverage for doing absolutely nothing of interest whatsoever.’

‘This Jesus thing should hopefully put everything right in one go so we can focus on Kerry Katona‘s next visit to Asda.’

Ryan Giggs will be seen walking quickly [water skiing] on water at Liverpool’s Albert Dock in the middle of July.

700th Post Special – Awarding The Shittest Films Ever Made

30 May

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

There’s no way of avoiding shit films, especially when writing a blog that is largely comprised of film reviews. I’m very lucky to stumble across a 5/5 or 4/5 rated film but the majority of them fall into the 3/5 and 2/5 categories. I try to score based on my own opinion as well as what is ‘right’ in film studies terms.

A 1/5 film will be shit with almost no redeeming features. A few scenes may be entertaining or there may be an actor in it I enjoy watching. A 0/5 film will be fucking appalling from start to finish, with every scene being torture for all apart from those with the worst tastes in cinema.

The following are some of the ‘low lights’ from those films I scored 1/5 or 0/5 – thankfully there are only two in the latter category. The following awards were presented by Shane Richie to the production teams behind each of the movies, at a lavish no-expense-spared ceremony that took place in the darkest corners of my brain.

Despair: Richie barely gets through Sex And The City 2's opening credits before bursting into tears backstage

The Ron Jeremy award for the vilest sex scenes goes to:

Deep Throat (1972)

I love porn as much as the next balding twenty-something, but watching extremely ugly men and women fucking in the early seventies is something I could really have done without. I thought this was going to be an edgy, controversial tale with a bit of unsimulated sex – it’s actually just a crap porn film with disturbing amounts of bodyhair.

I gave this a 1/5 score because the scenes without sex acts do feature some hilariously bad acting, which just about manage to be fun.

Probably recording a DVD commentary here to save even more on the miniscule budget

The One Tree Hill award for minimal use of narrative goes to:

Moonwalker (1988)

Joe Pesci is only threatening in Martin Scorcese films. When you remove Marty from the director’s chair and throw in girl’s shoes and a stupid haircut, all that is left is an ineffective villain. Why is he running an army without lieutenants? That is just asking for trouble, especially from a HR perspective. Why is he pursusing Michael Jackson through various pop videos? Why is there no narrative? These are the questions left unanswered with every single viewing of Moonwalker.

What little drama there is in Moonwalker makes no sense, and I honestly don’t know how drunk or high someone must be to come up with the concepts of the King of Pop turning into a sports car, then a robot, then a spaceship, in the space of eighty or so minutes. It’s like some kind of warped Jayce And The Wheeled Warriors, with leather jackets.

I gave this a 1/5 score because for all its stupidly, at least Moonwalker remains entertaining and of course the music stands the test of time well.

Guess which one of these two is made from the most plastic?

The Catherine Tate award for fewest laughs goes to:

Cheaper By The Dozen (2003)

This remake of a 1950 film has so much wrong with it that it would take an entire article to get through alone. Suffice to say, American kids in movies are very rarely not an annoyance or detraction from the main story. Twelve of them means game over. We don’t feel sympathy for the struggling parents either because all the trouble has arisen from their own ceaseless unprotected intercourse. It’s also not funny at all and Steve Martin is shit.

I gave this a 1/5 score due to the poignant question it asks about mass population growth in the developed world, with Martin’s struggling gent an allegory for America itself, battling against wave after wave of his own irritating spawn. Or I might have fancied the oldest daughter, I can’t quite remember.

Arrested for crimes against comedy

The Pearl & Dean endurance award for longest advertisement goes to:

Sex And The City 2 (2010)

Shit jokes, graphic product placement and absolutely loathsome characters made this one of the most punishing cinematic experiences I can remember. I hate clothes shops and the entire fashion industry, more or less, and I certainly don’t want to be sold dresses and shoes for over two fucking hours without any narrative tension to keep me interested. Oh no, the horse-faced protagonist, who lives in one of three or four houses with the man of her dreams, didn’t get a wad of money spent on her quite the way she had anticipated. Excuse me whilst I unhook the house phone and shut down the computer, for I wouldn’t want any other stimuli to interupt such a complex, gripping narrative.

Anyone with even an ounce of good taste in films will not only be appalled, but offended, by this piece of shit. It is using our treasured art form for the work of evil, that be selling over-priced junk that will be obsolete even by now. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a giant, bleached arsehole unshackled from its Louis Vuitton-silked prison, shitting all over my excellent collection of DVDs, blu-rays and film books whilst a huge chunk of the population cheer on. In summary, I would not recommend Sex And The City 2.

I gave this a 1/5 because there is some nice location photography which is pleasant enough, especially on blu. This film also inspired some hilarious reviews on the web, which were significantly more entertaining than the film itself. The reviews were right though – looking for redeeming features in this epic is like trying to find a storyline in Hollyoaks that isn’t purely about two people fucking.

Sick: The retail value of all the clothing in this picture is worth more than your car

The Fernando Torres award for biggest disappointment goes to:

Whatever Works (2009)

It’s almost heart-breaking that a film featuring two of my favourite Jews, Larry David and Woody Allen, turned out to be so crap. I am a huge Woody Allen fan and could staunchly defend even his worst films as having some watchable quality, but not this. It’s almost self-parody.

It’s also annoying how Larry David keeps breaking the fourth wall, it’s just clumsy and out of place. I get when Allen breaks the codes of cinema in his other films, but it doesn’t work here, not least because acknowledging an audience when the film was smashed by critics and no one even went to see the fucking thing at the cinema just comes across as borderline sarcasm. Maybe Allen knew the film was worthless during principle photography and so did this on purpose to be ironic, in which case, he should go down in history as one of the cleverest directors of all time if he isn’t already considered that.

I gave this a 1/5 score because there are a few decent moments which alleviate the awfulness.

The unstoppable force meets the unmovable object - and a terrible film is left in the ashes

The ITV2 award for biggest waste of a production crew’s time goes to:

Dear John (2010)

My other half selected this piece of shit on the Xbox Skyplayer for us to enjoy, otherwise it’s highly unlikely I would ever have known it even existed; a mindfuckingly tedious romance starring veritable charisma vacuum Channing Tatum. Like You’ve Got Mail in reverse, a girl and guy with zero chemistry exchange letters via voiceover whilst he heads off to war to take part in an extremely poorly directed shoot-out. That’s it. No other conflict, no sadistic sports jock from the home town trying to get into the girl’s pants. No life-threatening injury for Tatum that may affect the relationship. Just nothing. And that’s the exact mark out of five I gave Dear John for its efforts. Don’t people watch romance films for the ‘will they won’t they?’ intrigue? If this conflict is resolved in the first ten minutes then what’s the point of stretching the movie out for another couple of hours?

I gave this a 0/5 score because it has no redeeming features, plus made a serious pile of money so has probably encouraged a lot of people that should know better to start making other vacuous Tatum vehicles. I would only recommend this film for the most serious cases of insomnia.

Tatum: Cast him if your movie needs more boring

The special Peter Andre lifetime achievement award for being irredemably shit in every way goes to:

A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

This is the one I have in the back of my mind when I am watching a crap film and thinking about what score it should deserve; effectively a benchmark of awfulness. Even when I have watched a turd of a movie and think for a split second it could be a 0/5, memories of this flash before my eyes and I see sense. No, it’s never quite as bad as Elm Street 4. In fact every film above in this article is fucking Casablanca by comparrison.

Everyone from the director (it’s not wonder Renny Harlin helped bankrupt a fucking studio) to the key-grip did a number on this film like I never thought possible. Every second, let alone scene, is torture. The story makes no sense and has almost zero connection to the previous Elm Street movies. The characters are shit and the acting, performed by a group of nobodies, is worse than the efforts of the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex combined.

Disposable teens: Forgive them for their casting agents know not what they have done

This is supposed to be a horror movie, yet the deaths are woefully unsatisfying, offering less-graphically violent executions than a western from the 1950s. I don’t get this. All the Freddy films were rated 18 in the UK, so why scrimp on the gore? I could understand if they were aiming for a 15 certificate to increase the commercial potential, but these are cheap films that made many times their cost due to the slasher genre’s popularity. Go for the 15-rating if you’re making a multi-million dollar fucking Julia Roberts/Tom Cruise vehicle with ILM effects shots that have taken an army of computer dorks weeks to complete even seconds of screen time.

Even satifying horror fans on the most basic of levels is unachieved by Elm Street 4. They want to see a few imaginative deaths and some neat special effects. As for the scare factor… the only thing psychologically traumatising is the thought of having to watch this a second time.

I gave this a 0/5 score because it is the worst film I have ever seen. It isn’t even watchable in a shit-80s ironic sort of way, like many of its peers. There isn’t a single moment in Elm Street 4 that isn’t earth-shatteringly, mindfuckingly, jaw-droppingly atrocious… and I don’t like it much.

Shit: Watching and listening to this man's life's work on a continuous loop for a fortnight is preferrable to even ten minutes of Elm Street 4

Heartbreak Ridge (1986 dir. Clint Eastwood)

29 May

Unorthodox leather-neck stops short of gunning down own platoon in order to secure vagina of ex-wife.

2/5

Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (2001 dir. Kevin Smith)

28 May

Whilst winking and swearing at cult audience, Star Wars/comic fan types appear to champion medicority of blubbery director’s filmography.

2/5

A Married Woman (Une Femme Mariée) (1964 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

27 May

Intriguing French slut, whilst keeping updated with latest tit science, gets touched up by two fellas in several close-ups.

3/5

Casualties Of War (1989 dir. Brian De Palma)

26 May

Harrowing ‘Nam flick sees irritable marine types forced to endure intercourse without foreplay.

3/5

No Direction Home (2005 dir. Martin Scorcese)

25 May

Jewish minstrel inspires both short and long hairs without needing Fender Stratocasters.

4/5

Space Cowboys (2000 dir. Clint Eastwood)

24 May

Ancient bar brawlers do complex DIY in space.

2/5

Jeremy Kyle guest gets own ITV2 show

23 May

By Slick Nick

ITV2 continues to quench its audience’s thirst for watching real people living real lives as a board meeting for shareholders revealed plans for the next gripping instalment of the network’s ‘Next Chapter’ series.

Richard Wilkes, 50, who appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show at the end of 2010 in a 15-minute segment, is set to star in Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter. Filming of the first series, set to run for 38 episodes, is well under way, and sees a camera crew following the unemployed ex-offender around as he goes about his daily routine of drinking, gambling and courting women whose skin and hair have seen better days.

Set for stardom: Wilkes defiantly throws the 'Westside' gang symbol for fans

Mr Wilkes’ appearance on the popular talk show in November last year was notable for being a rare segment of humour, as he sat the infamous lie detector test not to examine his fidelity, but to confirm to one of his numerous ex-girlfriends whether he drank her final 3L bottle of Blackthorn cider for breakfast. Though he denied it initially, as the seconds approached for the results to be revealed, Wilkes stopped the show to make a tearful confession that he had in fact been the culprit. Endeared to the daytime TV audience for ever, the next months saw him make appearances in Heat magazine and sign a deal with Peter Andre’s publicist.

Moral majority: Kyle thinks the show will be anything but pants

A spokesman for ITV2 said: ‘We have invested heavily in this new program and strongly believe it will be a roaring success.’

‘Just look at how popular our other ‘Next Chapter’ shows are about unemployed alcoholics with fuck-all of interest to say. The difference is that now our viewers can truely watch one of their own in the limelight.’

Talk-show host Jeremy Kyle himself was unavailable for comment but is said to be ‘fully behind’ the program, even offering Mr Wilkes the use of the show’s ageing man servant Graham incase the trappings of fame become too psychologically overwhelming.

‘Richard Wilkes: The Next Chapter’ will be premiering on ITV2 later this year with a double-bill. Bet you cannot fucking wait, can you?

Alexander (2004 dir. Oliver Stone)

22 May

Length of protagonist’s flowing locks at various times aids understanding of confusing, non-linear narrative.

3/5

The Buddy Holly Story (1978 dir. Steve Rash)

21 May

Toothed hick with bad eyesight antagonises Christ fanclub with generic pop-punk.

3/5

Up In The Air (2009)

20 May

Swuave sexer tours USA committing employment genocide whilst engaging in almost no-strings fuckery with corporate female type.

3/5

Precious (2009 dir. Lee Daniels)

19 May

Morbidly obese fried food guzzler seeks to reduce audience serotonin levels by giving birth to half-brother for the second time.

3/5

Good Will Hunting (1997 dir. Gus Van Sant)

18 May

Violent academic neglects health & safety legislation in early days of school caretaking career.

4/5

Pretty Woman (1990 dir. Garry Marshall)

17 May

George Costanza turns into borderline sex offender after likable fuck seller achieves monthly revenue target in a single week.

3/5

RELIEF: ‘suspicious package’ sent to Jason Gardiner turns out to be forgotten Coleen Nolan biography from eBay

16 May

By Slick Nick

After days of intense speculation, a suspicious package sent to the home of Celebrity Dancing on Ice judge Jason Gardiner has turned out to be a forgotten eBay win.

The homosexual, 61, playing the role of ‘arsehole’ on the show which apparently gives celebrity status to any no-mark that’s happened to thumb through a copy of Heat magazine, had come to the conclusion that the parcel contained a bomb.

He said: ‘I am dislikable and relevant enough to have threats on my life. Honestly.’

Flatcaps maketh the man?

The parcel arrived this past Thursday at Gardiner’s home address via recorded delivery, after which the police, MI5 and the FBI were alerted to the events. These organisations repordly then told The ITV star to ‘stop wasting their fucking time.’

Thankfully, the parcel only contained the slightly less life-threatening hardback book detailing the highs and mostly lows of tedious daytime TV queen Coleen Nolan. The 984-page biography was won in an eBay auction three weeks prior to the delivery, from a seller with only six previous transactions. The inexperience of such an individual led Gardiner to incorrectly suspect that the item would never actually arrive.

Popular: 99 used copies available on Amazon for £0.01

He continued: ‘I am so happy to have been proven wrong.’

‘Not only has my body not been decimated by an explosive device, but now I have an excellent book to read at bedtime. As a bonus, the package also contained enough bubble-wrap to keep me entertained for days on end.’

Gardiner’s management went on to confirm that the expert in telling people how shit they are at ice skating is now in two minds on whether or not to write a positive review for eBay member Anakin_8353, such was the delay in delivery.

Jason Gardiner’s instructional ice skating DVD will be available from all good Chinese take-aways in early June.

Dial M For Murder (1954 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

15 May

Frightfully well-spoken British gents plot to have slut garrotted, before other gents nearly have her hung from neck until death.

4/5

True Grit (2010 dir. Joel & Ethan Coen)

14 May

Incomprehensible chain-smoker fails in mission to massacre aged Goonie in time before dentistry.

3/5

Thor (2011 dir. Kenneth Branagh)

13 May

World of thesps and world of rednecks both face destruction due to lengthy Hannibal Lecter nap.

3/5

Wanted: Dead Or Alive (1986 dir. Gary Sherman)

12 May

Despite Aryan trenchcoat protagonist being reasonably well armed, dull crime thriller serves little action in fight to bring Kiss‘ perennial fanny-licker to justice.

1/5

King Ralph (1991 dir. David S. Ward)

11 May

British thesp types struggle to teach bloated rocker the ways of being dull and posh.

2/5

The Green Hornet (2011 dir. Michel Gondry)

10 May

Pointless blurring of Batman and Citizine Kane sees clumsily-named gang director make staff cutbacks with mass murder instead of consultation process.

2/5

Turkish Delight (1973 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

9 May

Borderline Dutch porn flick emits aura of Breathless, with shitting dogs, hammer-smashed craniums and additional fucking.

3/5

Rain Man (1988 dir. Barry Levinson)

8 May

Archetypal 80s yuppie shithead introduces vulnerable idiot genius to gambling, skirt and maple syrup on Oscar-y road trip.

4/5

Adaptation. (2002 dir. Spike Jonze)

7 May

Cleverclogs drama sees gigantic asexual scribbler give away ending mere seconds before final credits roll.

3/5

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