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JOB AD: Robocop

14 Jun

Cyborg Crime Fighter – Old Detroit – Permanent – $competitive + bens + subsidised babyfood

Due to an unexpected surge in violent organised crime, Omni Consumer Products, working on behalf of the Detroit Police Force, now has an urgent requirement for a permanent Cyborg Police Constable on both day and night shifts ie. to work 24 hours a day, with one day off in ten to recharge battery cell, allow scientific leads to extract digital data and to consume one significant dose of protein-based high energy paste.

This role operates within a very fast-paced dystopian future and as such requires a highly organised individual capable of juggling many arrest projects at once. These will vary between detaining lone street muggers, to the full design and execution of drug cartel ‘busts’ in order to stamp out the city’s narcotics supply at its heavily-armed source.

With very little administration involved, the Cyborg Police Constable will enjoy the practical delivery of ballistic-based crime fighting solutions, though candidates should be comfortable meeting and exceeding challenging targets related to number and status of henchmen dispatched using a range of ultra-violent methodologies.

Conflict management: The employee will be provided with complimentary stabbing apparatus if required (by our preferred supplier IGN Inc.)

Candidates should be willing to sacrifice a significant portion of their organic matter in return for a contemporary Kevlar-based exoskeleton and an excellent salary & benefits package, including company car. Those that have recently been executed in a Biblical allegory will be looked upon favourably.

Knowledge of current federal laws is not necessary as all fifty titles in the United States Code will be uploaded into the successful candidate’s Intel-modified cerebral cortex during induction week.

This is a unique opportunity for a career-minded law enforcement professional to forget about friends and family for all eternity, and take the next step up in their career.

Please send a self-addressed envelope to the following address in order for us to send out an application form: Bob Morton, Office of Corporate Bad Guys, Research & Development, Omni Consumer Products, Old Detroit, Detroit, Michigan, USA.

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