Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye

20 Jun

By Slick Nick

Doctors and Syco shareholders are said to be deeply concerned for singer Cher Lloyd’s physical and mental health as months of under-eating and early mornings have caused such drastic weight loss that she is now barely visible to the human eye.

It is thought that Ms Lloyd, 29, may have lost up to 95% of her 70lb. body weight since not even making the top 3 in last year’s gripping X Factor finals. Soon after failing to win over even ITV’s Saturday night audience, she was offered a lucrative 6 1/2 album recording contract by Simon Cowell.

Label executives are now desperately looking to close a sponsorship deal with any food organisation willing to provide vast amounts of high-calorie products packed with the refined carbohydrates, E numbers and trans fats that Ms Lloyd requires to gain sustainable weight.

Worry: An emotional Ms Lloyd is seen here in an image enlarged 100 times.

Syco management are less concerned with her ability to record music, though producers admit that seeing a floating wig underneath headphones is sometimes distracting in the studio. But when it comes to satisfying a live audience of people who enjoy completely manufactured pop music, it is certainly not simple.

Richard Wilkes, Executive Director of Live Stuff at Syco, welcomes the challenge.

He said: ‘When I first heard out about Cher’s malnutrition rendering the carbon molecules comprising her bodymass unable to reflect light anymore, we were thinking of cancelling all live appearances.’

‘However, my team eventually came up with the ideal solution, that being to project old video clips of Cher’s time on X Factor onto a small screen on stage whilst she sings over it. It’s a long shot but hopefully the audience won’t notice. If people do complain, we’ll just dim the lights a bit more.’

‘Oh, I hope no one uncover my plans by reading your website! Haha!’

We can assure you Richard, that isn’t likely to happen.

Cher Lloyd’s album ‘You Didn’t Vote For Me But Tough Shit’ is out later this summer and will be available from all participating midlands car boot sales.

8 Responses to “Fears grow as Cher Lloyd now barely visible to human eye”

  1. Derek Gale July 4, 2011 at 9:32 am #

    Has someone got Cher’s age wrong. isn’t she only 17/18?
    I wish her well.

    • poppeelings July 4, 2011 at 9:42 pm #

      It’s satire mate… bullshit, hence the category title.
      Thanks for reading.

  2. terry walsh May 24, 2012 at 11:35 pm #

    i cant understand how the so called adults get away with exploiting the younger ‘wannabes’
    cowell and his disgusting x-factor side-kicks even have a good percentage of ‘wooden head’ for the viewing millons that live for this shite..i have seen some ‘turns’ that really were ssad yet often repeated…no i dont watch it, i am subjected to it if im at friends etc and thats enough for me, its the epitome of how the majority is so easily led.I have an issue with the money making scum that live off it, some of them need a slap for sure.if not for subjecting a
    bastard offspring of talentless ‘stars’,…

    • poppeelings May 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm #

      I suppose it keeps them off benefits for a few years.

  3. Lucy August 25, 2012 at 3:51 am #

    Cher Lloyd is 19 not 29 :/

  4. tahmid October 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

    well i feel sorry for her and i am really sad because she is my favourite poop star!!!!! : C why coudn’t this have happened 2 somebody else it has u know to my friend sharanpreet nahal who lives in oldbury. she is as thin as a stick!!!! but she is really tall!!!!!!! and sexy lol love tahmid islamxxxxxxx luv u sharan i know u like me ur friend didn’t tell me but someone else did!!

    • Lauren October 11, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

      I’m sorry, but I just have to say, you should proof-read stuff you post before you actually comment. She’s your favourite poop star? -.-”

      • poppeelings October 11, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

        Amazing. Well her music is kind of like poop.

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