Archive | August, 2011

Cowboys & Aliens (2011 dir. Jon Favreau)

31 Aug

Entire cast wasted in Close Encounters/ID4 revision for comic dorks, with stetsons and racism.

2/5

M*A*S*H (1970 dir. Robert Altman)

31 Aug

Atheist flesh-fiddlers re-enact the last supper with dentist before winning rugby match.

4/5

Stealing Beauty (1996 dir. Bernardo Bertolucci)

31 Aug

After what seems like an eternity, orphaned scribbler finally selects her first victim for penetrative intercourse.

2/5

Super (2010 dir. James Gunn)

31 Aug

Underpinned by typically effete college rock music, idiot dispenses GBH using plumbing gear to win back slut wife.

2/5

X Factor’s Tulisa: ‘The riots were bad’

30 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

X Factor judge Tulisa Something-Greek-Sounding has issued a statement containing her profound views on the rioting that swept the UK earlier in August this year.

The 32 year old has gone on record to declare the shocking scenes of arson and looting as ‘not very nice’.

She said: ‘I felt ashamed when I saw the news on those nights, particularly as I noticed a fair few of my ex boyfriends amongst the crowds.’

‘But what disappointed me most was the proceeding coverage from the right-leaning British press which seemed to use the tragedy to further its cause against the lower social classes and ethnic minority groups.’

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is no stranger to political commentary, making a career out of fronting the socially conscious contemporary disco troup N Dubz. The Camden natives will be setting sail for a tour of the ex-Balkan nations this winter to perform for fans whose parents likely suffered crimes against humanity in the 1990s at the hands of Serbian troops. The victims of genocide, torture and ethnic cleansing are looking forward to enjoying rapper Dappy’s funny hats.

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is hoping her group’s unique brand of uplifting, urban compositions will inspire teens around the world not to destroy every Carphone Warehouse shop window in sight.

Her campaign has the full support and backing of Pop Peelings.

Broken Britain: Tulisa's social work helps disaffected urban youths express themselves in North London

The Worst Albums Ever Made – The Pop Videos Of David Hasselhoff

29 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

I would love to one day be able to write about a single Hoff album, keeping with the tradition of this blog category. Sadly, at the time of writing, I had blown my free Spotify hours for the month on Craig David, and surprisingly there are barely any seeders at all on Pirateybay.org for the Baywatch legend’s recorded material.

Having said that, after looking at some of David’s pop videos on YouTube, it seems his art is equal part visual spectacle. Seeing David perform these songs, as well as just listening to the music itself, is something I believe all aspiring music critics should put themselves through. It’s pretty hard to imagine how bad music can actually get until you’ve watched even just ten seconds of one of these videos. With that being said, I’m sure the following songs were featured on some of the worst albums ever made.

How could a man like this make bad music?

David has been a surprisingly prolific recording artist, given his TV star background. His first album came out in 1985 and he hasn’t really stopped since, much to the delight of his fanbase which encompasses German-speaking Europeans only. The singles began in 1989 and continued until the mid-nineties, where he had something of a hiatus, coming back with a bang in the mid-noughties.

I cannot imbed videos into my blog at this point in time, and I think to want to do so I would need a more worthy cause than David Hasselhoff’s music. None the less, I am happy to link to them below.

‘Looking For Freedom’ (1989) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

This appears to be the debut single/video in which David yearns for freedom after a very privaleged upbringing. The verses are not the song’s strong points by any means, so it relies heavily on its gospel-tinged power choruses to get by.

The whole thing is very eighties – including smoke machines and clips of Knight Rider, which are intercut or faded over David in quite an obvious and cheap-looking studio set. The set with the white trees and purple background looks like something out of a NEXT catalogue from twenty years ago and is therefore completely appropriate for this video.

Whilst the song is by no means a classic, it does showcase David’s very limited vocal range perfectly, and offers a relatively catchy chorus and dance beat.

You'll be looking for freedom too after enduring this

‘Our First Night Together’ (1989) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

This is more familiar territory – a mindfuckingly awful song, which also happens to be some kind of a duet with a quite unremarkable blonde. Terrible singing, both singularly and in partnership, underpin a tune-free bore. The chord changes in the choruses are far too ambitious for such a lifeless husk of a pop song as well.

David and skirt should have built the song up to end with some harmonies, but they don’t even bother to do that.

The video itself is an oddity; tonally uneven, and making little sense. There appears to be a camera crew in the narrative actually making the video as the viewer watches it. They start off in a car, then it jumps to the two leads in concert together, complete with David rocking hard with an electric guitar (probably not even plugged in). There only appears to be a few dozen revellers at the event though, which is a lot considering how bad the music is. It’s really as crap as an obscure Eurovision entry and not something I’d recommend.

The cover, rather than the single, helped album sales

‘Flying On The Wings Of Tenderness’ (1990) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

David gets serious here, with an ode to his one true love. Though since no other characters are present, I assume he’s really singing this to himself, clumsy metaphors and all.

It’s a very slow, tedious song with appalling lyrics, shameful for a man with such a sturdy liver as the Hoff.

To make matters worse, the video is very low budget and uninspired, with just David on his lonesome singing on the beach. Occasionally a shot of a goose in flight appears faded over David, which I think lessens any minute impact this might have had.

Finally, the title itself is a shocker. The more I read it, the more ludicrous it seems. It just makes no sense on any conceivable level at all, particularly when underpinned by the flying goose clips.

All the single and album front covers used the same photo

‘Crazy For You’ (1990) CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

This is a light-hearted song, reminiscent of the Stocks, Waterman & Aitken guff that was around at the time. The chrous is remarkable only for ripping off ‘YMCA’ by the Village People. Out of all the hundreds of millions of recorded songs that had to be in existence in 1990, they could havw chosen a better one to copy than that one.

The song itself is very feminine; it could easily have sat on a Kylie Minogue album. Some of the images in the video are the opposite though, with David being seen riding a gigantic motorcycle. It’s an interesting juxtaposition probably lost on its audience at the time.

When David arrives at a fairground, off he gets from the bike and out pops a dog from a satchel, which then ends up pressing the ‘start’ button on the abandoned rollercoaster David has found himself on. I’d love to know what the fuck they were smoking when they imagined that as a concept. Why is the rollercoaster deserted in the first place? That just suggests that David is so unpopular as a recording artist, and he was, that he could clear leisure areas of humanity just by turning up there.

David is crazy for someone who seems to be returning the affection, so there is no conflict or heart in this song. It exists solely as a carbon copy of one of the shittest disco songs ever written.

Such a shame he's not currently making an album

Stardust Memories (1980 dir. Woody Allen)

28 Aug

All of civilization, including Home Alone burgler, massage staunch follower of Judaism’s ego for 80 minutes.

3/5

Katie Tippel (1975 dir. Paul Verhoeven)

28 Aug

Inexperienced hooker climbs social ladder after selling handjobs at competitive prices in Dutch oldern days.

3/5

Changeling (2008 dir. Clint Eastwood)

28 Aug

Boy’s unsnipped knob triggers dull mystery of inept coppers dispatching wrong child to thick-lipped telephone engineer in oldern days.

2/5

Alphaville (1965 dir. Jean-Luc Godard)

28 Aug

On a far-away futuristic planet, which perfectly resembles 1960s Paris, miserable noir type shoots almost everyone he meets in the stomach.

3/5

Comandante (2003 dir. Oliver Stone)

27 Aug

Sympathiser of controversial political types, with cheap cameras,  paints controversial Hispanic political type in sympathetic light.

2/5

Robocop 3 (1993 dir. Fred Dekker)

27 Aug

Useless director teases fans mercilessly by including footage of original movie amidst weak capitalism satire.

0/5

Robocop 2 (1990 dir. Irvin Kershner)

27 Aug

Like the first (minus Christ-infused origin tale) with additional spinal columns and stop motion effects.

1/5

The Fighter (2010 dir. David O. Russell)

26 Aug

Director pursues Oscar glory by using non-fiction screenplay, ugly supporting cast members and Weight Watchers.

3/5

Toys (1992 dir. Barry Levinson)

25 Aug

Well-nosed emitter of broad comedy staunchly opposes production of vaguely fun play things in surreal manufacturing plant.

2/5

Where The Wild Things Are (2009 dir. Spike Jonze)

25 Aug

ADD sufferer and part-time ‘furry’ engages in multiple cardiovascular sessions with unclassified abominations.

3/5

Wild At Heart (1990 dir. David Lynch)

25 Aug

Wackjob auteur brings The Wizard Of Oz up to date with added sexual assault, gratuitous murders and karaoke.

3/5

The Spy Next Door (2010 dir. Brian Levant)

25 Aug

Domestic fisticuffs and too many thick accents make script virtually pointless.

1/5

The Trouble With Harry (1955 dir. Alfred Hitchcock)

25 Aug

Two couples bond over numerous unofficial funerals of emaculately-dressed carcass.

2/5

Anything Else (2003 dir. Woody Allen)

24 Aug

Late 90s dessert-fucker learns about love and self pity from ancient gag dispenser.

2/5

Tin Men (1987 dir. Barry Levinson)

24 Aug

Inadequate driving ability from two arsehole salesman types inspires marriage breakdown and automobile vandalism in Baltimore’s past.

3/5

The Seventh Seal (1957 dir. Ingmar Bergman)

24 Aug

Serious Swedes get serious over Christ and chess.

3/5

The Lost Weekend (1945 dir. Billy Wilder)

24 Aug

Like four days in the shoes of a Jeremy Kyle Show guest.

4/5

Tombstone (1993 dir. George P. Cosmatos)

24 Aug

To the surprise of no one, Hollywood A-lister protagonist gang defeat Hollywood B-lister antagonist gang in a gun fight.

2/5

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011 dir. Rupert Wyatt)

23 Aug

Human cast members gradually give up status in world/narrative to the full force of Weta Workshop hard drives.

4/5

%d bloggers like this: