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800th Post Special – More of The Shittest Films Ever Made

16 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Previously, I wrote about some of the shittest films I have seen since starting this blog. Here are some more.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

I used to love the original Power Rangers when it first came out – quality violence and skirt, and robots, all before 9am in the morning. Every episode followed the same narrative, more or less. The rangers would maim some minions without suffering so much as a scrape before getting their robots out to defeat a giant monster at the end. Alongside this, there’d be a side-plot involving school homework or something. This all worked very well in a 20-minute long TV show, but sucked as a feature film in every possible way.

The biggest issue I have with it is the mindfuckingly awful CGI at the end; even at the time of release it looked ropey. The whole movie is archetypal 90s kiddie pap and apart from one fight sequence, for which I fearlessly awarded the film a score of 1/5, I hated every second of it. Who’d ever have guessed that a film with the words ‘the movie’ in the title would turn out to be a worthless cash-generator for a toy manufacturer? Not me.

Wanted Dead or Alive (1986)

I always thought the point of an action thriller was to offer some thrilling moments and some half decent action, at least enough to get a 2/5 score. This one does its best to bore the living shit out of the viewer, serving up none of those elements. Gene Simmons from tedious rock legends KISS, looking like a hairy testicle without his stage make-up, is awful as the antagonist. He really should have stuck to licking the nether regions of women instead of trying to start an acting career. Even the most hardcore fans of crap films will find little to enjoy here, so I graced it with a score of 1/5.

Blue City (1986)

The Breakfast Club is one of my all time favourite flicks and would probably make my top 10 in fact. Apart from Emilio Estevez, I’m a fan of all the cast, particularly Judd Reynolds. He stars along with Ally Sheedy in Blue City, a crap title I came across on the Lovefilm stream player. Being an 80s film with two of the cast from one of my most cherished movies, I was expecting great things. Well, at least watchable things. My heart sank around 14 minutes in however, when I realised I was watching one of the worst films ever made.

The main issue is Reynold’s woefully unsympathetic protagonist. He makes John Bender look like fucking George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life. The list of crimes he commits is endless, stopping short only of sexual assault. If a film lacks a sympathetic lead, it’s usually game over in terms of audience engagement, unless of course the director happens to be a near God behind the camera. Cases in point – Scorcese’s Raging Bull and PTA’s There Will Be Blood. Mark my words, Blue City director Michelle Manning is no Martin Scorcese. She isn’t even a Renny Harlin.

I gracefully awarded this a score of 1/5 because it was nice to see the faces of Reynolds and Sheedy outside of a school library for once.

Planet of The Apes (2001)

I’m not a fan of Tim Burton. His work is silly and doesn’t resonate with me, and some of his recent efforts have been terrible at best. He personally would probably have been even lower than me in the food chain at high school as well. So after having been blown away by the Apes prequel, I thought I’d catch this on the Sky player. What would I stand to lose? Well, two hours of my life, is the answer.

It’s pretty much the pits from the moment Mark Wahlberg touches down in ape city. There’s no magic, no mystery, nothing to think about, nothing to enjoy. The action sequences, in which Burton makes Kevin Smith look like fucking Bernardo Bertolucci, are very poorly handled as well. Burton does kooky, gothic off-beat. He does not do battles. Nor does he do science fiction particularly well. I graciously gave this a 1/5 for some of the costume design and effects, which are still pretty watchable ten years on.

Kangaroo Jack (2003)

Look at the fucking front cover and title. Those are two reasons why I heroically awarded this a score of 1/5.

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