‘She’s delighted’: Kerry Katona finally confirmed as the new face of White Lightning cider

5 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

For some lucky individuals it seems, five minutes of fame can sometimes extend to six, for Kerry Katona, star of reality TV shows of virtually zero substance, has landed what many close to her believe to be the chance of a lifetime. The 43 year old has been chosen from the UK’s 5 million alcoholics to be the new ‘face’ of super strength cider White Lightning.

The 7.5% proof drink, which is occasionally referred to as ‘tramp juice’, is set for a multi-million pound re-launch by brewer’s Heineken. The marketing campaign will encompass TV and print media, as well as a concise social networking strategy in order to tempt back the school children and unemployed who made up the cider’s core market during its 90s heyday.

Miss Katona, whose fuck partnership with a Westlife mannequin ended some years ago, will travel the UK in November visiting schools, churches and shopping centers this year to raise awareness of the drink’s light, refreshing apple flavour and lethal alcohol levels. She will be paid an impressive £11.54 a day for her efforts as well as expenses up to and including a maximum of £4.00.

Unwinding: White Lightning is perfect for relaxing with friends after a hard week at the office

Senior Vice President of Marketing at the Heineken group, Richard Wilkes, is looking forward to a month-long partnership with the chain-smoking Katona.

He said: ‘Out product is all about getting very drunk in as short a timescale as possible.’

‘We feel Miss Katona represents perfectly what our brand is about and she will feel proud to have her face next to a huge bottle of White Lightning on billboards around the country.’

After several years of struggling to earn a living from selling cigarettes to neighbours, Katona appears to have fallen on her feet. Having beaten such fierce competition, including alcoholics from the east end of Glasgow, to star in a nationwide advertising campaign, the ex-Atomic Kitten will be celebrating in the time-honoured Katona family way – by drinking enough alcohol to endanger the life of a fully grown African bull elephant.

Heineken are keen to nurture their new relationship with the star, offering her a year’s supply of 2 litre White Lightning bottles. These 1262 drinks will be stored in a warehouse in Rotherham with 24 hour security.

Where the magic's made: The Heineken plant in Reading allows a more personal manufacturing touch to every bottle of White Lightning

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2 Responses to “‘She’s delighted’: Kerry Katona finally confirmed as the new face of White Lightning cider”

  1. dirtywithclass September 5, 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    So the U.SA is not the only place where Reality TV has become a cancer

  2. poppeelings September 6, 2011 at 7:52 pm #

    We practically invented it.

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