900th Post Special: The 8 Types of Film Watcher

26 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Answering the question ‘what type of film fan are you?’ should be easier to achieve with this handy little guide I’ve made using years of scientific research to provide concrete facts on the filmie communities around the globe. The answer to the question also serves no real purpose whatsoever, I might add.

1. The Horror Fanatic

99% male and Halo experts, Horror Fanatics are typically identifiable by waves of uncleansed dyed-black hair and an impressive selection of Cannibal Corpse t-shirts. They have uncut versions of every big video nasty from the 1980s and know exactly when the latest extreme film from the far east or France is hitting the streets on DVD. Horror Fanatic interacts with other humans through the medium of social networking sites, largely due to a fear and loathing of sunlight.

They remember specifically the stories and fatalities from all the Freddy and Jason movies, which to a regular film fan just blurs into one epic terrible movie.

Do NOT under any circumstances bring a US remake of a foreign horror film into conversation with a Horror Fanatic – it could end badly for everyone.

A pale complexion and lack of interest in socialising with people that don’t watch many horror films underpin the Horror Fanatic. It’s not worth memorising these rules thoroughly because anyone that doesn’t spend ten hours a day in a dark room discussing how Eli Roth is actually a pretty talented guy on internet forums will not likely encounter one of these guys.

2. Cult Film Kid

Usually male and aged between 18-35, Cult Film Kids will infuriate the general population of filmies by talking about nothing but totally fucking obscure and awful b-movies all night long. At best, these movies will have been given a VHS release, making them nearly impossible to find even if a passing interest happens outside of the Cult Film community.

Cult Film Kids often socialise in packs, and it’s wise not to approach them directly, because whatever they’re discussing will be meaningless. The first few Star Trek motion pictures are just about as mainstream as they get, and nobody wants to talk about them anymore.

They’re generally harmless creatures until someone brings up the Academy Awards in conversation. They have no clear dress code but generally t-shirts displaying fictional hand-drawn characters are the most prevalent.

Their mating season is known to the outside world as ‘Comic Con’, where they gather en mass to get junk signed by people that haven’t had an acting job in the Cult Film Kid’s actual lifetime.

3. The Book Worm

Book Worms are well read, as their title denotes, however they only read fiction books. They’re not avid filmies like most of the others on this list, but they do like to get involved with film discussions purely to declare movie versions of books as inferior. They know intricately the details of every fucking notable written work and will often be the ones delivering the bombshell that a particular film is based on a book, unless glaringly obvious.

A favourite work to shit on is I Am Legend, one of the few tolerable Will Smith flicks and, crap CGI aside, a very effective, claustrophobic, intense end-of-the-world sci-fi entertainer. Not in the eyes of the Book Worm though. They hate it, particularly the ending. Why do they hate it? No one knows who hasn’t read the book. It can’t be discussed either due to spoilers. And this is the crux of why the Book Worm is the most irritating of all filmies; they cannot enter into a coherent discussion with a non Book Worm. It’s all so criptic.

Due to modern Hollywood’s creative lake running dry, more producers have turned to the world of literature for film ideas, often buying the rights to books before they’ve even been released. Because of this, the Book Worm population has increased significantly over the past ten years and looks set to continue doing so.

It’s advisable for a meeting between a hardcore filmie and a Book Worm to be conducted under maximum supervision.

4. The Student/Hipster

Perhaps the most notable type of film fan in that this group have the most equal split between males and females, the Student/Hipster will generally be in their teens or earlier twenties, and are easily identified by their dress code, which is part Buddy Holly and part their own grandfather.

These individuals prefer to watch cheaply-made indie flicks and would cite Quentin Tarantino, Wes Anderson and Richard Linklater as film Gods. They fucking hate modern Hollywood blockbusters, particularly sequels and remakes, even if they’re half decent and have acquired some decent critical acclaim. You’ll also never catch this type watching a film in 3D, not even one that was shot with proper 3D technology.

Everyone knows that Kevin Smith’s only decent film is Chasing Amy, but keep this point under wraps when engaging with a Student/Hipster. They’re not dangerous, and are generally effete like the soundtracks to their favourite movies, but they are known to bare long grudges.

Predictably, all their championing of the little guys in the film industry means they rarely watch anything from before the mid 1970s unless forced to.

5. The Film Blogger

”I’ve got seven reviews to do tonight and don’t know how this press pass works!” The common grumbles of the Film Blogger, who voluntarily chooses to spend all their spare time writing about their DVD collection and Orange Wednesday outings. It’s probably the most bizarre behaviour out of all the types of film fan on this list; pretending they’re writing for an actual magazine and have tight deadlines to meet, even though the deadlines are set by themselves as they are fundamentally their own editors.

Film Bloggers are decent folk, usually frustrated that they didn’t make it as a journalist or film-maker in their day jobs. It’s been a long time since the most hardcore of Film Bloggers has watched a movie without a pen and notepad on their lap though. 98.6% of Film Bloggers take their subject matter very seriously indeed and scribble as if their next meal depended on it. All Film Bloggers are striving to achieve the same goals – free cinema tickets and DVDs.

The life expectancy of a Film Blogger is quite low, usually a maximum of eight months, after which they almost always give up and rejoin mainstream society. All Film Bloggers follow a similar life cycle; they do their best to build a following and network with other Film Bloggers until their heads are out of the water and their blog can fend for itself. At this point, the Film Blogger may also have amassed an impressive Twitter following, after which they’re only interested in interacting with others that have a similar number of followers. It’s unwise for a new Twitter user to try and converse with a veteran film blogger, simply because it’s a waste of time.

When a film blog implodes, the Film Blogger will use a number of coping strategies to come to terms with their loss, such as writing occasional guest articles for other film blogs, or visiting their Facebook walls for the first time in months to see what people they’ve actually met are up to.

6. The Clueless Chick

Scientists believe this group to be an almagamation of The Clueless and The Chick, the latter being staunch advocates of ‘chick flicks’, the worst type of film imaginable. Since they are also clueless when it comes to the wider cinematic world, there was no longer any need to segregate them.

The Clueless Chick encompasses every female office worker in the UK that has yet to spawn, after which they will imminently become experts in Pixar, Disney and High School Musical, leaving their old life of shit romantic comedies and Eastenders behind.

Many filmies, myself included, have tried to educate Clueless Chicks on cinema, for example highlighting some of the great works of film and their directors, but these efforts usually fall on deaf ears and are scorned by the Chick’s heavily made-up eyes. They only care for romantic comedies released in the past three years; everything else is ‘old’ or ‘boring’. The only film director they’ve ever heard of is Steven Spielberg. Demonstrating knowledge of a film beyond its title and male lead to a Clueless Chick will leave the filmie in question being singled out as a nerd by others in the Chick pack.

Clueless Chicks would probably rather read about the techniques used to bleach the arseholes of the Sex And The City cast than watch One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.

Thankfully, the Clueless Chick will rarely bring up film in conversation, partly because of other priorities of discussion such as shoes and X Factor, but mostly because they possess an acute self-awareness lacking in some of the above filmie types. Anyone that strives to talk film with a Clueless Chick only has themselves to blame.

7. The Wikipedia

The Wiki type knows everything about every film ever made, such as year of release, cast, director, writer, producers, key grip and the like. The last significant moment in their lives was when the IMDb app was released for the iPhone, allowing for more movie trivia to be soaked up on the move.They’re constantly re-working lists in their heads, such as top five films of any given year or decade, best films from each director, shittest films starring a certain actor etc.

Wikis are great to have around during pub quizes but are a bit clueless when it comes to anything other than cinema. They are effectively the polar opposite of the Clueless Chick.

Quite often, a Wiki will hibernate during the summer months, when good quality film releases are rare, and emerge from their chrysalis of Empire magazines as a Film Blogger, puting their immense knowledge of the silver screen to good use.

Wikis are the most staunchly opinionated of all filmies, and people would be advised to refrain from approaching them unless armed with a working knowledge of the AFI’s top one hundred movies as a minimum.

Encounters with Wikis are rare as they seldom breed, meaning their numbers never become concentrated in a specific area. Therefore, it’s unlikely that two Wikis will ever meet face to face by chance. Observers over the ages have documented occasions when this has happened though, particularly their disappointment. What was expected to be an intense fight to the death actually turned out to be quite dull conversations about favourite film makers, with the victor being the individual that could name the most obscure Korean film directors.

8. The Father

The Father just wants to bond with their offspring and the chances are, if they’ve spawned a filmie, that means watching sport together is out of the question. So the Father fits in as many films into his busy schedule as possible, which usually results in one trip to the cinema a year at best.

The Father is always a few years behind in modern cinema. ”That film Inception was really quite something,” they will declare in 2013 after it’s been shown on ITV at Christmas.

Whatever the age and occupation of the Father, they will always be massive fans of the film Zulu for some reason. Whenever they take the giant step of upgrading their home cinema gear, it’s usually the first movie they buy on the newer format.

Fathers are open to all types of film and are quite liberal with their views. They will watch anything as long as it’s lauded by their own brood.

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One Response to “900th Post Special: The 8 Types of Film Watcher”

  1. dirtywithclass September 26, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    I guess i fit in the film blogger category

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