Archive | October, 2011

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009 dir. Tom Six)

31 Oct

For the first time in history, the NHS is made to look appealing.

3/5

1 Year Anniversary: Hilarious Blog Search Terms

30 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

I’ve done this blog for one year now.

Blogging about such diverse topics as film, music, reality TV, more films and then even more films, the sheer variety of search terms used to find this dump is understandable. I really wish I didn’t have visibility of some of them though, such is my already low opinion of humanity and the general public. The shit below just makes me despair.

This isn’t all of the search terms, but the ones I found the most amusing.

The JLS stripper could do a good one, as he can’t sing or write music either:

‘marvin humes duck impression’

Can’t really argue with this one:

‘amy childs is thick as shit’

If she did, it must have been the London South Bank – the worst Uni in the country:

‘where did amy childs go to uni’

Straight to the point. Nice:

‘amy childs tits’

I think it’s a myth:

‘amy childs education’

Yeah, don’t believe everything you read. Especially on this blog:

‘amy childs guest lecturer 2005’

Show her some respect. Honestly:

‘amy childs pussy’

Well, you’ve come to the right place for that:

‘worst albums ever recorded’

For the sake of humanities continued evolution, I hope so:

‘does olly murs masturbate’

Rough estimate is fuck all:

‘olly murs net worth’

Why would anyone want to see that?

‘olly murs erection’

Ok this was another ‘interview’ I made up but I’m sure it was factually accurate:

‘olly murs wank interview’

Doubt it, not on a prime time ITV weekend show that’s supposedly about music:

‘olly murs x factor masturbate throughout’

Really? I’d say it’s hard work listening to his music, but that’s it:

‘olly murs makes me hard’

So why not try and meet him in person to put that proposal to him instead of typing it into Google?

‘i want to wank olly murs’

I’m sure if it was recorded, it would go to at least number three in the charts:

‘olly murs having a crap’

Olly Murs: Cunt?

Thank you. Another straight shooter:

‘olly murs is shit’

Good luck with that one:

‘olly murs erect’

Oh so you’ve heard his album as well?

‘olly murs fail’

That I would love to see:

‘ollie murs cock slip’

He’s a cockney, from Essex, with white skin. I wonder what the answer could possibly be:

‘olly murs ethnicity’

I’m sure he loves the Bugatti petrol money even more:

‘simon cowell loves olly murs’

Now hang on a second. this one just reaks of jealousy:

‘ron jeremy a piece of shit’

Ron Jeremy

Was it the photos of him oiled up and half naked that led to that conclusion?

‘aston merrygold gay’

I think a better question may be is anyone of them straight?

‘is anyone in jls gay’

Ok. Enjoy?

‘toilet roll wanking’

Don’t think this one works:

‘toilet roll albums’

If by ‘wanking’ you mean ‘sobbing’, then I’m sure he does it a great deal now:

‘matt cardle wanking’

Well they’re all crap, so go ahead and take your pick:

‘marilyn manson worst album’

I wouldn’t put it past them:

‘teen girls masturbate over one direction’

The front cover is the least of it’s problems. Poor Noel Gallagher:

‘dig out your soul is a shit album design’

Oh I cannot wait to join this group. I love watching twats standing around on a field for eight hours occasionally hitting balls around:

‘facebook friends cricket ground application’

Personally I think the pop charts now are the best they’ve been since around 1995:

‘wank pop’

I know this one was done on purpose, but it’s still pretty amusing:

‘slick nick america’s most wanted’

I literally cannot think of anything worse to do with my leisure time:

‘bognor regis butlins punk weekend 2012’

As opposed to softcore?

‘hardcore fucking’

Another Marilyn Manson fan perhaps?

‘erotic self crucifiction’

Don’t worry, Olly Murs can help you with that one I think:

‘severe case of blue balls’

Every word of this one made me do a lol:

‘jewish cowboy gay sex xposition’

Yep, two of the members appear to be:

‘n-dubz tits’

Probably the same reason people don’t like having someone shit into their ears; it’s unpleasant:

‘why do people not like mechanical animals’

Mechanical Animals: Like someone shitting in your ear

Fucking hell, make your mind up:

‘pics of jocks covered in shit -women -girls -milfs -panties -girl -she -babes -boys’

Sadly, one that isn’t switched off:

‘what microphone do they use on x factor uk’

You must have missed her video for ‘Wet’ then?

‘nicole scherzinger naked’

Didn’t know she owned any:

‘nicole scherzinger showing her knickers’

Give it a few years and maybe one will get released:

‘nicole scherzinger sex video’

Scherzinger: Respected artist

Bit of everything, I’d say:

‘nicole scherzinger ethnicity’

Ha! Good luck with that one. At least wait until she gets dropped from her record label in 12-18 months:

‘nicole scherzinger masturbtion video’

Calm down, there’s no hurry:

‘fuck women hardcore sex’

Hmmm… I guess the latest issue of Heat magazine has that covered:

‘famous+stars+shit’

Yes, I’m sure a song that was on daytime circulation non-stop during the summer had full frontal nudity:

‘when bruno mars pulls up his pants on lazy song does his weener pop out’

Do they even have video cameras over there? Wow, you learn something new every day.

‘turkish porn movie’

Can’t argue with that to be honest:

‘harry styles is ugly’

Pretty much all of them:

‘ugly photo of harry styles’

Ask any woman under 40 at the Colchester Whetherspoon’s pub for some details:

‘matt cardle penis’

Ask most the lads on the Chalk Farm estate for some details:

‘tulisa n dubz tits’

For the novelty, I have to say I wouldn’t mind seeing some of this:

‘turkish porn 1960’

Couldn’t bring themselves to write a rude word, even alone on the internet. How endearing:

‘stroking wee-wees’

Cher Lloyd? The walking skeleton? Whatever gave you that idea?

‘is cher lloyd anorexic’

I think the kids not looking their narrative ages is the least of the film’s problems:

‘in cheaper by the dozen how old are the kids supposed to be 2003 remake’

Um… Walt Disney? Just a hint:

‘animals saying things’

Ok:

‘movie hollywood premature ejaculation’

I thought they were in good shape due to coming here and working harder than British nationals. At least that’s what I read in the Daily Mail:

‘obese polish man’

I doubt images of hardcore fucking would be considered ‘pop’:

‘every second of deep throat turned into pop art’

Steve Brookstein, is that you?

‘simon cowell cunt’

Job-hunting? Well they say it’s a full-time job in itself:

‘joe mcelderry current job’

John Goodman, Rosanne, Michael Moore, Jack Black, Kevin James… these are educated guesses:

‘famous diabetics’

Kevin James: Loves his insulin injections

Love the politness here. I would have just seached ‘fat fuckers’:

‘heavy set couples’

Was that a Steve Martin flick?

‘fucking the bride’

I wonder what that film is about:

‘2 for 1 anal sex . . . starring: nora davis tags’

Three stone? Maybe four stone at the end of the day:

‘cher lloyd weight estimate’

I’d say it’s a given:

‘harry styles wanking’

Do you mean like giving them a bad mark on a paper? And not letting them out of class when the bell goes?

‘teacher fucking student’

Yeeeeeah so let’s write dumb things into the Google search bar!

‘yeeeeeeah it’s friday’

It's Friday!

Indeed. Fuck it. Fuck it in the ear:

‘fuck “aliens 3″‘

Spelling and decade fail here:

‘liam gallegher 1920 x’

Suburban Commando (1991 dir. Burt Kennedy)

29 Oct

Professional leg-dropper forsakes even more dignity.

1/5

Belle De Jour (1967 dir. Luis Bunuel)

28 Oct

Whilst working part-time day shifts, bourgeois fuck seller daydreams of being abused and shit on by rural types.

3/5

The Way Back (2010 dir. Peter Weir)

28 Oct

Like a communist Deliverance, minus illegal arse fuckery.

2/5

The Dilema (2011 dir. Ron Howard)

28 Oct

Fatter half of fast-talking frog twin duo loses fuck partner to douche bag.

1/5

One Hour Photo (2002 dir. Mark Romanek)

27 Oct

Hairy dispenser of funny voices gets serious over holiday snaps.

3/5

Grown Ups (2010 dir. Dennis Dugan)

27 Oct

Lads from Saturday Night Live catch up to mock blacks, the elderly, the poor and each other, to the detriment of audience’s comedy hopes.

2/5

Melinder And Melinder (2004 dir. Woody Allen)

26 Oct

Alongside debuting mixed-race relationships, Jewish auteur has dinner table types invent entire narrative over main course.

3/5

The Eagle (2011 dir. Kevin Macdonald)

26 Oct

Male model loses alpha status to slave boy in poor man’s Gladiator.

1/5

Easy A (2010 dir. Will Gluck)

25 Oct

Like a post-modern John Hughes eutopia, with added sex disease and Sony laptops.

3/5

Good Burger (1997 dir. Brian Robbins)

25 Oct

Biting criticism of minimum wage workforce sees established beef restaurant defeat upstart by ignoring employment and food safety legislation.

2/5

The Education of Charlie Banks (2007 dir. Fred Durst)

24 Oct

Bald nu-metaller directs coloured Raging Bull worship, with added academic texts.

3/5


I Am Number Four (2011 dir. D.J. Caruso)

24 Oct

Feature length One Tree Hill episode neglects science fiction responsibilities until final fifteen minutes.

2/5

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

CV Tip #1 (Odd one out)

22 Oct

Sometimes, I believe CVs were written to test me in the same way a religious person may think famine or war is a test for them.

When I saw the mess below, I had to wonder which one of the bullet points was actually the odd one out for a few seconds before deciding it was point five.

1 Cleaning
2 Clecting glass’s
3 Severing
4 I’m trust worthy
5 Intelect

CV Tip #28 (Jeremy Kyle guest)

22 Oct

Most people in Britain live a fairly mundane existence, so it’s unusual for CVs to contain any decent hobbies or extra curricular activities, not least amateur film production.

If you’re acting in front your mate’s camcorder though, avoid going into quite as much detail on your character’s little nuances though because it won’t help your prospects of employment on bit:

‘I play a cocky troublemaking chav, instigating trouble and baring witness to a murder.’

CV Tip #40 (Christianty)

21 Oct

Always tailor an application form to your audience and pay particular attention to the country’s cultural diversity at all times. Spouting Biblical nonsense at any time is strictly forbidden:

‘Soft hearted but strong in my conviction and integrity., live a good healthy habit and most of all a God fearing and live a life with principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.’

CV Tip #42 (Dragon’s Den)

20 Oct

‘I have discovered with running my own Business that the hours are great but the pay is crap o)’

Fucking brilliant, especially the little smiley at the end.

The pay is only crap if your business sucks and you’re probably not putting enough hours into it. As for the prospects of giving you an interview… I’m out.

CV Tip #90 (Snail mail)

20 Oct

It beggars belief that some people can even find the front door to leave their house to collect my tax money each week, let alone sire children and log onto a computer, hence:

‘I m sorry mam sir I don t have a file documents in the computer if you want I can send it to you thru post office what I mean is that I don t have a CV of what your asking to me in this application but I m assure you that all I write here’

What a fantastic idea. Fucking great!

The whole recruitment plan can go on hold whilst everyone waits three days for your pathetic career history to arrive from Postman Pat. I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait.

CV Tip #60 (Fisherman’s friend)

20 Oct

I can’t emphasise enough the importance of taking a few seconds to check over your spelling on a CV. If in doubt, have someone with a few working brain cells take a look; there’s no shame in it.

That way you’ll probably avoid the embarrassment of stating that one of your old jobs was as a ‘crap fisherman‘.

Either your spelling is fucked, or you just lack self esteem and aren’t selling yourself too well.

CV Tip #54 (Evel Knievel)

19 Oct

Sadly, life deals us a cruel hand from time to time, which can make certain elements on a CV look a bit suspect.

Having said that, always think carefully about how you phrase these tragedies on your job applications:

‘I done well in my Year 9 SATS and was in top set all though High School but I have crap grades because i hardly sat any exams due to a motorcycle accident which I can prove happened.’

CV Tip #43 (Ordnance Survey)

19 Oct

From a field-based retail worker:

‘The Stores I visited were Glasgow to Plymouth and then Newcastle in that order – As you can see I enjoy driving.’

And as you can see, probably never looked at a fucking map in his life either. What a waste of petrol expenses that little adventure must have been.

CV Tip #45 (Steve Brookstein)

18 Oct

Not having a job or any prospects in life outside of Job Center queues and cigarettes must be quite depressing. I get that. But you have to approach job hunting with a bit of resilience and drive.

So don’t write sadsack guff like this as a way of introducing youself to a potential employer:

‘am currently un employed need to make something out of my life cause at the moment its crap’

Apart from the wrong message to send, the basic spelling and grammar are fucked here as well.

CV Tip #103 (Religious fanatic)

18 Oct

‘IM ALSO AN ELDER AT MY CHURCH AND COMMITED TO THE WORK AND THE TEACHING OF JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR.’

Why not start getting committed to doing something more useful with your life, such as learning some skills that will make you vaguely employable?

Always bare in mind that a recruiter is looking to fill a vacancy, not be confronted with biased religious statements.

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