‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA

18 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Jesy Nelson, backing singer in X Factor winners Little Mix, has come under scrutiny from leading scientific researchers for being ‘quite likely’ to be not what she appears to be. She remains locked up in a top secret basement somewhere in England for advanced scientific analysis.

The 28 year old lifeform, known as ‘the fat one’ to the general public, has been masquerading as a fully-fledged human for several weeks whilst performing as one quarter of the overhyped girl group.

Richard Wilkes, fellow of biological science studies at Cameford University, has gone on record to confirm that no homosapien female could possibly look like Miss Nelson and that she is in fact the world’s first discovered extraterrestrial to house human DNA coding.

Not of this world: The fat one

He said: ‘If you look at her face, the nose is undersized, with barely any cartilage. It’s also nearly in line with her eyes, which are too far apart to be considered genuine earthling.’

‘The creature’s hair also left me speechless, no doubt the result of many generations of evolution on inhabitable gas giant planets light years away from our immediate solar system, with very brazen, acidic atmospheres.’

What is unknown at this time is how a human ended up so far away from planet earth in order to mate with another lifeform.

Mr Wilkes hopes to use similar techniques to the CIA during the Cold War in order to secure the truth from Miss Nelson.

‘This creature has certainly learnt to adapt to its suroundings successfully. To listen to it, you’d think it was just like any other uneducated, fame-hungry celeb-obsessed cretinous British teen.’

‘Having said all that, I could be wrong. This may just be a very unattractive girl.’

The live semi-dissection will go ahead anyway and be shot for an ITV2 one off show to be broadcast early in 2012.

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8 Responses to “‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA”

  1. amber August 29, 2012 at 10:39 pm #

    da fuk?

  2. KAte June 13, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    Who the fuck thinks this is ok? I bet the person who wrote this is a 50 year old creeper who lives in a basement. You can’t just say shit like this….God.

    • poppeelings June 15, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

      Married 30 year old who is a manager at work actually.

      And who the fuck has basements in the UK?

      • neoxtreem January 21, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

        “a manager at work” ? Haha, get a life. Anyone who’s anything knows being a “manager” means sod all these days. I think 95% of people at my work are managers. The other 5% are on student placement schemes. Loser. Married to a fattie! Your wife looks like Jabba the Hutt.

      • Chris eoods April 2, 2016 at 9:36 pm #

        Chim they keep jason locked up in it

  3. holly December 30, 2013 at 12:36 am #

    Fat one? whats wrong with being fat? And i bet that she is more human than you will ever be. Who the hell is your wife cuz she must have some problems marrying and hateful bloke like you. Hope you dont have kids you idiot

    • poppeelings January 1, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

      Well she must have been inspired by this article because she has slimmed down a lot and looks pretty hot now to be fair.

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