Zayn Malik quits One Direction to finish his ‘Pet Sounds’

19 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Teenage girls across the nation were left in despair this weekend as the shocking announcement that Zayn Malik will be leaving One Direction was made, shaking the British pop industry to its very core.

Malik, 25, will finish a series of primary school concerts with ‘1D’ in April this year, after which he is said to be ‘looking forward’ to locking himself away in complete isolation to work on his latest pop symphony.

The composer, who joined the group on one of the least-viewed seasons of X Factor in history, already had their first three albums written and arranged even before his first audition. He has stated creative differences along with frustration at having to perform the same mindrottingly awful music week in week out, as the reasons that tipped him over the edge to resign.

Despair: Bradford 1D fans cannot contain themselves

Malik’s forthcoming solo album, simply titled ‘Bradford’ after his home town, will feature a range of musical styles and arrangements from across the ages, encompassing everything from baroque classical to jazz fusion.

‘This is getting insiders quite excited,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s been several decades since British pop music produced a genuinely timeless masterpiece. This could be it.’

Malik has built a ‘shrine to Bradford’ in his home, much the same way as the Brian Wilson did for the beach when he went quite literally insane due to a decade of injesting powerful halucinajenic drugs. The One Direction star’s creation is shaping up to be quite different though.

A family member said ‘He’s got a genuine paving slab, still covered in dog sh*t and human vomit, from outside the Bacteria Grill in Bradford city center right in the middle of the living room.’

‘Next to his grand piano lies a pile of tissues drenched in human tears. In the corner there is even a rain machine.’

‘He is in talks with the local council to get a load of used needles and rat carcasses for decorating the orchestral suite as well.’

Malik: John Lennon of the iPhone generation?

The industry does not expect to hear much from Malik for several months, if not longer. However, many are convinced that the product of the young prodigy’s efforts will recreate accurately the pain, despair and overwhelming dread that comes with every waking moment of life in Bradford.


25 Responses to “Zayn Malik quits One Direction to finish his ‘Pet Sounds’”

  1. movietruth February 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

    ‘Malik: John Lennon of the iPhone generation?’ 🙂

    • poppeelings February 19, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

      He could well be. Thanks for reading man.

  2. smartone April 21, 2012 at 2:29 am #

    this the dumbest and most untrue story i have ever read..where are you sources you dumbass. get your shit straight IGNORANT BASTARD

    • Alepko April 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

      i agree with you soo much, this is such crap no wonder this sebsite is unpopular fuck this

      • poppeelings April 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

        that is sooooo wrong this sebsite is read in countries (and probably continents) that you’ve never heard of.


    • poppeelings April 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

      If you think this one was bad, try my Amy Childs one.
      Thanks for stopping by.

      • Mike P Williams (@littlestpicshow) April 21, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

        If it’s any consolation, I like the sebsite and found the article informative and helpful. I rarely look at BBC or Sky nowadays for breaking news.

  3. Belinda May 4, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    Err, is this post from the future? Because, Zayn obviously isn’t 25. Other than that, this is wrong because Zayn will never leave. 😦

    • poppeelings May 5, 2012 at 6:35 pm #

      He’ll have to leave when they get dropped from their record label in 2-3 years. x

  4. Alicia June 14, 2012 at 6:58 pm #

    Wow. This is so FAKE. Lol. Zayn isn’t 25, and he ISN’T leaving the band. Oh my god you can tell right off the bat that this is a made up story. This made me laugh. Whoever wrote this must be living underneath a rock.

  5. Jamie August 12, 2012 at 12:28 am #

    Dafudge did I just read…

  6. Ryan McNeely November 4, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    Genius, my good man.

  7. AndyK November 4, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Haha! This is awesome! When I saw the headline, I thought my dreams had come true!

  8. Rebecca January 17, 2013 at 5:06 am #

    You fools, who are hating this website. This is obviously a joke! You people are so dumb that you actually thought all this was true for a second. Wow.

    • poppeelings January 19, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

      The satire is so strong that it fooled people. In a way.

  9. Lilly June 20, 2013 at 2:04 pm #

    This is SHIT

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