Michael Bay’s best and worst films of 2012

13 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Having recently celebrated a staggering two years in existence, and enjoyed a steady ratings decline over the past five months, this blog is now in the enviable position of being able to attract guest writers from Hollywood’s A-list to contribute articles. In this piece, Transformers director and all-round all-American Michael Bay shoots the shit on the films of 2012 that he loved and loathed.

z. michael bay

Bay: Why the long face, when your films have made over $100 trillion?

Hi there, Michael Bay here. I’ve taken some time out of my busy schedule casting the right girl for my next mega blockbuster, or as some people would call it, flicking through the latest Victoria’s Secrets catalogue, to get my expert opinion down on what was great and a pile of crap out of 2012’s motion pictures. Wowsers! It’s a shame I didn’t have a film out during the last twelve months, otherwise I could have written about it and put it at the top of the pile. Now someone get me a six-pack of Mountain Dew before I die of thirst!

Snow White And The Huntsman

The world can’t get enough of this story, so it was worth telling twice. I didn’t see the Julia Roberts one but the Huntsmen was more than enough to satisfy my craving for the tale of the physically disabled and female sexual sexiness. Two hotties in the same film, right on! Kirsten Stewart puts in another compelling performance as a pale chick in distress, much like every other role she’s been in. The difference here being she has slightly wavier hair of course. Fuck yeah!

Sensual: Kirsten Stewart

Sensual: Kirsten Stewart

Those dwarves were fucking hilarious, all short and British. And my boy Chris Hemsworth’s arms captivated every scene he was in. That’s true acting right there. The amount of protein shakes he’s on. Apparently he sets his alarm at 3am each night to drink one. That’s what you call method acting, because a real huntsman in a fantasy forest would do the very same.

This film is obviously a masterpiece but I would have changed a couple of things. Firstly, the Queen should be trying on some new stockings in the mirror. Secondly, instead of the dwarves, I’d have the US Army come down and start kicking all kinds of ass. Fuck yeah. The dwarves are like disabled and that’s not cool. No film with a disabled character ever made a dime at the box office and never will. I’m still waiting for that Mountain Dew, people!

The Hunger Games

Having not read any of the books, nor the press stories, not the Wikipedia pages, nor seen the trailers, I couldn’t wait to see the first of a hopefully long line of motion pictures depicting romance and butchery in the woods. With no good actors, no named stars, I never knew who would be picked off next. An arrow in the eye? A knife to the throat? You never see it. It’s all suggested in order to get a PG-13 rating, to bring the bacon home at the box office, and that’s what I’m all about, apart from real bacon of course. That shit ain’t kosher!

What's herface: Hunger Games

What’s herface: Hunger Games

I love the first hour, which is nothing but talking in silly costumes, before a very hot bunch of teens are dumped on an island and forced to fight to the death. The two hottest are left and luckily, they appear to be at the very cusp of falling in love with each other. It left me wanting more PG-13 suggested violence and heavy petting with clothes on. Hey is a sequel written yet? Get Orci on the phone now. I want to see if he can scribble a PG-13 action comedy about the guy and girl trying to start a family on the island with nothing but weapons and dead teen bodies to aid them. Then the US Army comes down in their helicopters at sunset, like they did in Iraq, to rebuild the city/island. And in their home would be a Mountain Dew vending machine. A guy needs some refreshment after building a new town you know.

Wrath Of The Titans

Fuck. Yeah. Gee whizz this is my kind of film. CGI all the way. Action for around ten minutes in total and absolutely not one line of interesting dialogue in the entire picture. Who cares about what people are saying with their mouths when we can be watching them fight beasts and monsters with their hands (for ten minutes)? It reminded me a bit of my own Transformers franchise.

Wrath: Nothing interesting is said

Wrath: Nothing interesting is said

This might be the best action film ever made that doesn’t have my name in the credits somewhere, but I would have made a small change. There is no comedy in this epic action classic at all, and if there’s one thing I know about, it’s comedy. This is set in ancient Greece (way before they had TVs) so I’d have one fat little Greek guy in the gang, and all the other characters could be mocking him about his long surname. They could keep getting it wrong, like every character, at least once each throughout the picture. That’s five or six gags right there for you. Now hand me a bottle of all-American Bud while I get some of these ideas down on paper!

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II

Finally, the best film of the year goes to this, the seventeenth film in the legendary Twilight franchise which made close to a hundred trillion US dollars at the box office.

It’s a heart-warming story. Guy meets girl. Guy turns girl into superhuman vampire bitch. Girl hunts tigers in the woods. I love how nothing of interest happens in the first half of the movie, which gives the audience a chance to admire the wonderful scenery in the background. The girl gets sexier in every scene but we never see her in her underwear bent over a motorbike unfortunately. Now that really would be swell.

Gripping: Breaking Dawn 2

Gripping: Breaking Dawn 2

The special effects in this thing are off the wall. At one point, a wolf carries a child on its back through the forest. I had no idea this was all computer graphics until Jerry Bruckheimer smacked me round the head with my megaphone and told me to put my glasses on. I was like ‘how did this wolf not tear this girl to pieces during principle photography?’ Are those computer dorks available for Transformers 4: The Immasculisation of Starscream? Get them and Orci on a Microsoft Skype conference call right now and for the love of Christ hand me a packet of Dunkin Donuts before I die of starvation!

I almost shit Orange Mountain Dew out of my ears when it came to the climactic battle in the snow between the vampires, wolves and some older vampires. Wow! This was the most action-packed seven minutes of cinema I think has ever been made. Breaking Dawn? How about Breaking Necks man, yikes! And of course because all the fighting was actually in the mind of one of the sexy vampire chicks, it never really took place. This keeps the door open for another five movies. Genius!

Yes 2012 was really a swell year for cinema. The only thing that could have made it better was a Michael Bay picture! I enjoyed everything I saw – so much suggested sexual activity, fully clothed hot chicks, PG13 violence and Sony Laptops to enjoy. However it wasn’t all awesomeness. There was one film that was complete garbage.

The worst of the year: The Raid

This starts off ok, with a nice husband and his sexy wife in bed. He does some exercise before work whilst she remains asleep, feeding their unborn child with her intestinal tract. Then, everything goes wrong and the film just descends into mindless violence for an hour in the same boring setting. We don’t want to see this kind of thing, which is why it didn’t make a dime at the box office. We’ve had action films since the 80s. It’s time to move on. And subtitles? It should have at least been dubbed with all-American actors!

What of the family story behind all this bloodshed? We never learn a thing. And the training montage at the start is only about 30 seconds long without some good old fashioned American rock music in the background. This wouldn’t happen in a Michael Bay picture.

Not for the PG-13 hearted: The Raid

Not for the PG-13 hearted: The Raid

The action scenes are far too long-winded, with very lengthy shots. Hello, this isn’t a nature programme. Get some fucking cuts in there! Did this film even have an editor at all?

The violence was sickening. Who puts this kind of thing in a Hollywood film? No one, thank God. This would never have achieved a PG-13 rating in a million years, so I don’t know why it was even made or funded or written.

And fuck this film for taking a guy from Linkin Park, the group that do all MY film music now. Director Gareth Evans just wants to be me. And who doesn’t? But there can only be one Michael Bay. Gareth, when I see you (if you even make it to Hollywood), I’ve got a megaphone with your name on it and it’s going to one place – up yer ass!

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