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48 Hrs. (1982 dir. Walter Hill)

6 Jan

Future gravel throat pairs with future star of flops to walk quickly from scene to scene.

2/5

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Lifeforce (1985 dir. Tobe Hooper)

16 Nov

British gents seek dangerous tits.

3/5

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Roadhouse (1989 dir. Rowdy Herrington)

13 Nov

Professional face-kicker makes redundancies without HR consultation, then defeats unchecked capitalism.

2/5

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Combat Shock (1986 dir. Buddy Giovinazzo)

12 Nov

Like a knock-off Taxi Driver minus qualified editor.

2/5

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Blow Out (1981 dir. Brian De Palma)

3 Nov

A wank over Hitchcock and sound engineering.

3/5

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The Money Pit (1986 dir. Richard Benjamin)

14 Oct

Housing bubble proves fruitful for independent tradesmen.

2/5

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Runaway (1984 dir. Michael Crichton)

30 Sep

Infamous ‘tache has drawn out battles with the worst-looking robots in film history.

2/5

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Ran (1985 dir. Akira Kurosawa)

16 Aug

Sitting and sword-fighting and shouting in feudal Japan.

5/5

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Highlander (1986 dir. Russell Mulcahy)

9 Aug

Braveheart in carparks follows the most 80s opening 3 minutes of cinema ever.

2/5

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Body Heat (1981 dir. Lawrence Kasdan)

24 Jul

Tache’d skirt-bagger pays tribute to Double Indemnity by nailing quality skirt.

3/5

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Scanners (1981 dir. David Cronenberg)

22 Jul

Foreheads seek to increase paracetamol sales using stern looks.

2/5

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Society (1989 dir. Brian Yuzna)

15 Jul

How a Guardian reporter imagines the inner workings of the Conservative Party.

3/5

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Poltergeist (1982 dir. Tobe Hooper)

29 Jun

Republican iconography gets overrun with dated video recording equipment.

3/5

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Hellraiser (1987 dir. Clive Barker)

10 May

A living human anatomy textbook tries to bond with sister-in-law.

3/5

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Videdrome (1983 dir. David Cronenberg)

27 Apr

Canada’s answer to Simon Cowell of the 80s fucks his mid-section with dated home entertainment technology.

3/5

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From Beyond (1986 dir. Stuart Gordon)

17 Apr

Like a far less pleasant Matrix, with neon.

3/5

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Angel Heart (1987 dir. Alan Parker)

12 Apr

Nightmare visions bring fuck session to an abrupt end.

3/5

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Heartburn (1986 dir. Mike Nichols)

15 Mar

Boring life leads to boring biopic.

1/5

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Nuts (1987 dir. Martin Ritt)

26 Feb

Slick lawyer helps mental fuck seller deliver exposition in court.

3/5

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Stakeout (1987 dir. John Badham)

24 Feb

Two cops with matching moustaches indulge in branded foods.

2/5

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The Great Outdoors (1988 dir. Howard Deutch)

14 Feb

Two overweight men from different social classes bond over impending poverty.

2/5

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City Of The Living Dead (1980 dir. Lucio Fulci)

12 Feb

The killing of religious manager brings peace to mankind in atheist wetdream.

2/5

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Demons 2 (1986 dir. Lamberto Bava)

11 Feb

Slop-filled metaphor for how TV turns society into unthinking, violent drones.

2/5

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Demons (1985 dir. Lamberta Bava)

10 Feb

Muck-filled metaphor for the (literal) death of cinema audiences at the hands of digital media.

3/5

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The Black Cat (1981 dir. Lucio Fulci)

9 Feb

Like the Whiskers ad from hell set in a Kinks single.

2/5

IMDB

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