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This is The End (2013 dir. Seth Rogen & Evan Goldberg)

7 Jan

Mildly amusing Jews interupt each other.

3/5

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Trance (2013 dir. Danny Boyle)

22 Dec

Like Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind with immaculately shaved genitals.

3/5

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The Impossible (2012 dir. Juan Antonio Bayona)

29 Nov

Whites playing Hispanics get soaked in the pursuit of Oscar glory.

3/5

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Thor: The Dark World (2013 dir. Alan Taylor)

24 Nov

Star Wars the IKEA Menace.

2/5

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Side Effects (2013 dir. Steven Soderbergh)

6 Nov

Dishonest psychology in court.

3/5

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Elysium (2013 dir. Neil Blomkamp)

27 Sep

Thatcherism in space.

3/5

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Blitz (2011 dir. Elliot Lester)

8 Sep

Like a feature-length episode of The Bill, with even worse dialogue.

1/5

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Warm Bodies (2013 dir. Jonathan Levine)

31 Aug

Music masks mediocrity.

2/5

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Sinister (2012 dir. Scott Derrickson)

24 Aug

Long-haired foster parent fails at You’ve Been Framed.

2/5

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Sightseers (2012 dir. Ben Wheatly)

23 Aug

Bonnie & Clyde (with learning difficulties) meets Countryfile.

3/5

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Olympus Has Fallen (2013 dir. Antoine Fuqua)

19 Aug

Multiple film careers kept on life-support by Die Hard rip-off.

3/5

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Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013 dir. Tommy Wirkola)

18 Aug

Countless women receive face punches in Chris Brown-inspired Alpen commercial.

2/5

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Monsters University (2013 dir. Dan Scanlon)

7 Aug

Animal House remade to sell lunchboxes.

2/5

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Evil Dead (2013 dir. Fede Alvarez)

5 Aug

The visual representation of a Sunday Guardian feminism rant.

3/5

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Man of Steel (2013 dir. Zack Snyder)

4 Aug

Inspiring tale of the real-life Peter Griffin’s ascention from tier-2 school bully to reliable office drone.

3/5

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Senna (2010 dir. Asif Kapadia)

30 Jul

Before going splat, Christ-like Christ fan comes to terms with being surrounded by mullets and Frenchmen for ten years.

3/5

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The Great Gatsby (2013 dir. Baz Luhrmann)

29 Jul

Two affluent side-partings invest resources into bagging the same lady’s fuckhole.

2/5

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Pacific Rim (2013 dir. Guillermo del Toro)

28 Jul

Three identical-looking soldiers star in the film the Power Rangers Movie could have been.

3/5

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After Earth (2013 dir. M. Night Shyamalan)

23 Jul

A father forces his son to do something he isn’t very good at; acting.

1/5

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Gangster Squad (2013 dir. Ruben Fleischer)

14 Jul

Face-punching and stomach-kicking and face-punching and shooting in Hollywoodland.

2/5

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Maniac 2012 (dir. Franck Khalfoun)

8 Jul

Like Lord of The Rings in reverse, with women’s scalps instead of jewellery.

3/5

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Oz The Great And Powerful (2013 dir. Sam Raimi)

7 Jul

Irritating fraud does battle with dictators using entertainment.

2/5

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Jack The Giant Slayer (2013 dir. Bryan Singer)

5 Jul

Daily Mail subject matter does battle with Sun readers using foliage.

2/5

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Flight (2012 dir. Robert Zemeckis)

23 Jun

Thesp shows us it’s ok to fly aircraft whilst under the influence of drink and drugs as long as you tell someone about it afterwards.

2/5

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Playing For Keeps (2012 dir. Gabriele Muccino)

10 Jun

Indulgent Scot chooses family over football and fanny.

1/5

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