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The Searchers (1956 dir. John Ford)

28 Sep

Big racist plays himself in Lord of The Rings with dust.

5/5

IMDB

Seven Samurai (1954 dir. Akira Kurosawa)

7 Sep

Mass slaughter in the name of carbohydrates.

5/5

IMDB

Ran (1985 dir. Akira Kurosawa)

16 Aug

Sitting and sword-fighting and shouting in feudal Japan.

5/5

IMDB

Spartacus (1960 dir. Stanley Kubrick)

14 May

Christ-like slave with perfect teeth and modern haircut inspires ancestors of Daily Mirror readers to brutal deaths.

5/5

IMDB

Once Upon A Time In The West (1968 dir. Sergio Leone)

7 Jul

Murderers sporting various lengths of facial hair look to invest in property.

5/5

A Prophet (2009 dir. Jacques Audiard)

30 Apr

Like a French Shawshank Redemption, with more arterial blood spurts and less personal shopping.

5/5

Chinatown (1974 dir. Roman Polanski)

11 Oct

Yet again, titted half of Bonnie & Clyde gets blown away in ancient automobile.

5/5

Drive (2011 dir. Nicolas Winding Refn)

8 Oct

Long-named director answers the question: ‘what would Taxi Driver have been like in the 80s?’

5/5

12 Angry Men (1957 dir. Sydney Lumet)

8 Jul

A dozen sweating caucasians do some serious supposing without air conditioning.

5/5

Jurassic Park (1993 dir. Steven Spielberg)

6 Jul

Biological tinkering by posh demigod leads to the butchering of evil Seinfeld postman.

5/5

JFK (1991 dir. Oliver Stone)

9 Jun

By watching non-widescreen footage, ensemble cast attempt to work out exactly who blew Irish-American president’s brains the fuck out of his skull in luxury vehicle.

5/5

Amadeus (1984)

18 Feb

Two effeminate men try to out-do one another in the production of annoying music to appease Ferris Bueller nemesis.

5/5

Brief Encounter (1945)

15 Feb

Miseryguts recounts interim snogfests with English 40s gent type, as Casablanca collides with the Piccadilly line.

5/5

Schindler’s List (1993)

14 Feb

Factory general manager struggles to meet production targets due to particularly strong union interference.

5/5

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (1966)

31 Jan

After initially falling out, ethnically mismatched sureshot duo enjoy action-packed, but poorly dubbed, caper.

5/5

Shadow Of A Doubt (1943)

30 Dec

In a picturesque, ordered suburb, man and neice battle to say own name more times than the other.

5/5

Citizen Kane (1941)

30 Dec

Despite talking irritatingly loud at all times, shadowy newspaper seller enjoys loyal staff members for life.

5/5

Die Hard (1988)

22 Dec

Managing Director of Aryan robbers fails to inspire festive cheer by reading Christmas message from elevator carcass.

5/5


The Wild Bunch (1969)

25 Nov

Sympathetic villains avenge Hispanic torture whilst being pursued by thieves of footwear.

5/5


Stand By Me (1986)

20 Nov

Persued by a teenage Jack Bauer, four all-American pre-pubescents discuss tits and cartoons in the woods.

5/5


The Hurt Locker (2008)

16 Nov

Marines demand care-package reward for absorbing desert 2-kill streak.

5/5


Annie Hall (1977)

14 Nov

Bespectacled gagster relishes in breaking all known rules of cinema.

5/5


The Shining (1980)

13 Nov

Attention-starved child ruins winter getaway for parents by correctly predicting slaughter.

5/5

Manhattan (1979)

11 Nov

City tourist board commercial gets hijacked by irresistable Jewish archetype.

5/5

Once Upon A Time In America (1984)

10 Nov

Police are slow to answer catastrophic telephone call made by a reserved homicidal Jewish rapist.

5/5

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