Archive | Application forms & covering letters RSS feed for this section

CV Tip #118 (Televangelist)

16 Dec

If you’re passionate about the industry you’re applying to join, that’s cool, but don’t go overboard:

“since the age of 16 when my family first had Sky TV installed, i have become RELIGIOUSLY interested in ALL forms of Consumer TV,”

CV TIPS

televangelist

CV Tip #144 (NEETs)

9 Dec

The covering letter is a sales tool for yourself, a pamphlet if you will, there to excite employers at the prospect of meeting you.

It is not a document for modesty (or stupidity):

“NO – I DON’T HAVE A DIRECT AND ESSENTIAL SKILLS TO APPLY FOR THIS POPSSITION
NO – I’M NOT A SPECIALIST IN COMAPRE TO JOB DESCRIPTION I’VE READ ON YOUR ADVERT
NO – I’M NOT A MANAGER, EXECUTIVE, HOD, BRAND OR ANY OTHER TYPE OF REVELANT PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO HIRE”

CV TIPS

neats.

CV Tip #191 (A chip on his shoulder)

17 Oct

Some people can be a little bit too proud of how little they have achieved in the world of work.

The below arrived on a covering letter:

‘As wrote above I have worked in three different chip shops which all involved me servicing food preparing food and cooking the food altogether I have had about three years experience with chip shops

Astounding. At least a recruiter can delete the application even before wasting time reading the CV with guff like that.

CV Tip #189 (Jimmy Saville)

4 Jun

A covering letter is not a platform for you to be puting the world to rights. It’s about demonstrating your skills and experience to potential employers in order to get them to actually read your CV, rather than deleting it.

So always avoid silly, vague, pointless quips such as this:

‘I believe in Jesus Christ and therefore I try to help people in need.’

CV Tip #141 (I need a dollar)

26 May

Never swear on a CV.

Always remain positive.

And of course, keep the CV in a consistent tone. Don’t act all ambitious and then spoil it all by begging for money.

Thanks. Now get your application the fuck out of my cluttered inbox:

‘i would like a job to kick me off into a career because i am sick of disposable jobs where the employer treets you like crap although i wouldnt say no to a temporary job for some additional cash please help me.’

CV Tip #128 (Birmingham City)

25 May

This is from the candidate summary section from a job board CV database:

‘Available now, living in London. I have 4 kids and am a keen hill walker, Birmingham City supporter. What more is there to say’

Indeed, what more is there to say? How about a fucking objective? Some punctuation wouldn’t hurt either.

CV Tip #179 (Rodney Trotter)

22 May

Remember the covering letter is the first part of a sales pitch – and you are the product.

So try not to make it easier for an employer to delete your application from their inbox by writing lines like this, especially in fucking italics:

‘I have never had a real job before.’

CV Tip #40 (Christianty)

21 Oct

Always tailor an application form to your audience and pay particular attention to the country’s cultural diversity at all times. Spouting Biblical nonsense at any time is strictly forbidden:

‘Soft hearted but strong in my conviction and integrity., live a good healthy habit and most of all a God fearing and live a life with principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.’

CV Tip #42 (Dragon’s Den)

20 Oct

‘I have discovered with running my own Business that the hours are great but the pay is crap o)’

Fucking brilliant, especially the little smiley at the end.

The pay is only crap if your business sucks and you’re probably not putting enough hours into it. As for the prospects of giving you an interview… I’m out.

CV Tip #90 (Snail mail)

20 Oct

It beggars belief that some people can even find the front door to leave their house to collect my tax money each week, let alone sire children and log onto a computer, hence:

‘I m sorry mam sir I don t have a file documents in the computer if you want I can send it to you thru post office what I mean is that I don t have a CV of what your asking to me in this application but I m assure you that all I write here’

What a fantastic idea. Fucking great!

The whole recruitment plan can go on hold whilst everyone waits three days for your pathetic career history to arrive from Postman Pat. I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait.

CV Tip #45 (Steve Brookstein)

18 Oct

Not having a job or any prospects in life outside of Job Center queues and cigarettes must be quite depressing. I get that. But you have to approach job hunting with a bit of resilience and drive.

So don’t write sadsack guff like this as a way of introducing youself to a potential employer:

‘am currently un employed need to make something out of my life cause at the moment its crap’

Apart from the wrong message to send, the basic spelling and grammar are fucked here as well.

CV Tip #103 (Religious fanatic)

18 Oct

‘IM ALSO AN ELDER AT MY CHURCH AND COMMITED TO THE WORK AND THE TEACHING OF JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR.’

Why not start getting committed to doing something more useful with your life, such as learning some skills that will make you vaguely employable?

Always bare in mind that a recruiter is looking to fill a vacancy, not be confronted with biased religious statements.

CV Tip #72 (Soaps)

18 Sep

It’s never a good idea to put a photo of yourself on a CV or covering letter for an application in the UK, even if you happen to be easy on the eyes. It just isn’t the done thing.

So, avoid doing this at all possible costs if you look a fucking main cast member from the Australian soap opera Prisoner: Cell Block H.

CV Tip #13 (Amstrad)

17 Sep

After making an application and then getting some positive feedback from the recruiter, try and avoid replying with the following:

‘I am also writing back to say thank you on this occasion as that was a very good and punctual response.’

The reason you shouldn’t do this is because you are not Alan fucking Sugar.


CV Tip #5 (The Riddler)

16 Sep

I can drive a forklift but don’t have a forklift license. I can drive a van but don’t have a driving license.’

Fucking brilliant.

And I have a vacancy list but no jobs for you.

CV Tip #32 (Biased)

16 Sep

On a covering letter, it is slightly annoying having to read about how you admire the company products, sales and values, but this is still perfectly acceptable.

What isn’t acceptable is writing about how you use the product/s at a specific meal every fucking day because it is ‘my favourite’ – this demonstrates zero business acumen.

CV Tip #84 (Imbecile)

14 Sep

The covering letter is supposed to be an opportunity for you to sell yourself, to grab the attention of a recruiter and make your CV a mouth-watering prospect. You should include some details on what appeals to you about the new organisation, what you’ve achieved in your current organisation and when you can interview or start your next role.

Stating on an electronic application ‘I don’t understand the question’ when given the chance to write said letter online will only give the impression to the recruiter that you are a total and utter fucking imbecile.

CV Tip #36 (Put the kettle on)

13 Sep

It’s always difficult to fill up the ‘interests’ section at the end of a CV, especially when you don’t actually have any hobbies. Thus, a lot of people alude to socialising with friends or spending time with their families. It’s a cop out but at least one that’s easily ignored.

This, on the other hand, is never going to make en employer think ‘wow, I have to meet this candidate’:

‘Playing cricket, reading books, cooking, and gossip with friends and etc.’

CV Tip #94 (Someone? Anyone?)

14 Apr

Always ensure you address your application appropriately. From a covering letter:

‘Dear someone at the office (no name off job center)’

Fucking brilliant. Sir/madame/your highness will do fine next time.

CV Tip #17 (No fixed abode)

11 Apr

When you call a potential employer to enquire as to how you can send them your pathetic CV, make sure you already have a pen handy to note down an email or postal address.

The recruiter will not want to wait for ten minutes on the phone whilst you look for something to write with in your fucking despair-ridden bedsit.

CV Tip #57 (Arse)

17 Mar

This closing line from a covering letter pretty much speaks for itself – one grammatical mistake and four spelling errors, including accidentally swearing, in two sentences:

‘I am competitive and determined to succeed in every cicumstance, I am just waiting to be given the opportuinity. Therfore I believe I could be a real asses to your company.’

How about being determined enough to write a fucking sentence correctly before you try and take over the world?

CV Tip #66 (Overdraft)

27 Jan

What better way to persuade a potential employer that you’re the right person for the job, that every other applicant pales in comparison to what you can offer, than writing this on a fucking covering letter:

‘The reason for applying is simple. I am a family man and need the money.’


CV Tip #99 (Ashtray)

24 Jan

If the paper of your completed application form literally smells like cigarette smoke, will your fucking lungs even be able to handle a single day’s work, let alone permanent employment?

CV Tip #148 (A Kodak moment)

29 Dec

There are more useful things you can attach to an electronic application than a really blurry photo of you in a vest, taken from a cheap webcam on your sofa… like a fucking CV for example.

The fact that you’ve apparently managed to breed as well does little to reaffirm my faith in humanity.

CV Tip #30 (Until death do us part)

29 Dec

‘I am a married man and will behave accordingly.’

Yeah, not trying to fuck anything with a pulse generally goes down well in the workplace.

%d bloggers like this: