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Murs: ‘My suffering over GCSE English retakes’

15 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pop singer Olly Murs has finally come clean over one of the greatest turmoils of his life – having to retake GCSE English twice.

The male, 29, finally achieved a D grade the third time around; something of a family record.

The certificate did not come without its sacrifices though for the young cockney:

“Fackin hell guv, you have no idea how intimidating it is sitting in a basketball hall surrounded by teenagers that can read and write properly.”

“Apples and pears, I had to study my backside off. I could only go to the Braintree Whetherspoon’s three times a week. Apparently the fruit machine takings were right down. Speaking of fruit, how are you for oranges?”

Murs’ music, a mixture of dated pop and raggae, is a favourite amongst unattractive white teenage girls in Britain, many of whom are also illiterate. The horrors of Murs’ GCSE examinations are thought to have struck a chord with this fanbase, helping them bond and relate further to their idol.

Fortunately, the line of work Murs finds himself in today requires very little writing at all.

olly murs

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BREAKING NEWS: Olly Murs’ ‘Guide To W**king’ WILL be released this Christmas

30 Sep

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Those looking for gift ideas this Christmas need worry no more, for the highly anticipated debut book by Olly Murs detailing the singer’s most advanced methods of self gratification will be available in time for December 25th.

Destined for the best seller lists, Mr Murs’ Guide To W**king has been maligned by troubles from the start. Sources close to the cockney claim the frequent delays were due in part to him wanting to practice and hone his craft to perfection before getting his methods down on paper.

Now puting the finishing touches, literally, to his work, Mr Murs, 31, is reportedly ‘exhausted but happy’.

Members of the Murs Army, a collection of mostly unattractive white teenage girls on Twitter, are hotly anticipating the title, as they are keen to learn exactly why so many fans of good music frequently dismiss their idol as ‘just a w**ker’.

And what of Mr Murs’ inspiration to pen such a controversial title?

‘When you make so many music videos starring women many times out of your league, it’s hard to resist the urge to make use of that welcoming box of tissues by your bed as you spend another cold night alone.’ commented Murs.

‘When I eventually get dropped from my record label, at least I will have masturbation to fall back on.’

The Olly Murs Guide To W**king will be available from all good kebab shops from December 10th.

Murs: Expert wanker?

WELL DONE! Joey Essex completes toilet training 5 months ahead of schedule

9 Jul

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

TOWIE star Joey Essex has surprised his critics by completing the final round of toilet training a full five months ahead of schedule. He is now fully qualified to use a toilet unaided and intends to celebrate in style by seeing Ice Age 4 at the Braintree Odeon cinema this weekend.

The tanned male, 19, has overcome a lifetime of learning difficulties and can finally discard the potty that has been kept under his bed since birth.

He has cited a profound focus and determination as the keys to achieving his goal, as well as the promise of an entire pound of sherbert lemons from TOWIE show producers.

Mr Essex’s lack of full toilet training had caused undue stress to fellow TOWIE cast members during the filming of the hit show’s sixth season earlier this year, costing the production team many hours on set whilst he attended to several soiled undergarments. The stench at times was reportedly ‘unbarable’.

Perhaps now he will finally be able to move in with his mystery gay lover (pictured below) in Brighton?

Pop Peelings wishes them both well.

Gays: Joey Essex, left, brushes nipples with his current partner

Eastenders’ Billy Mitchell to ‘crack America’?

22 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Billy Mitchell, star of never ending soap Eastenders, will be jetted off to the USA later this year, hoping to bring his cherished antics to a new stateside audience.

The Londoner, 54, shot to fame when he first appeared in the British TV programme in 2009, struggling to hold down employment and relationships as part of the long-suffering Mitchell clan. Within months, his popularity had skyrocketted, allowing him the enviable status of being in the main Christmas storylines.

His next venture will be a documentary-style twenty part series called Billy in Beverly Hills. It will depict the cockney in a West Ham football shirt travelling the bars and clubs, failing to impress women.

He will also look for cleaning jobs in restaurants and garages, all the while struggling to win over bosses with his poor examples of organisation and customer service gained from experience selling fruit and veg on Ian Beale’s market stall.

Producer Richard Wilkes thinks the show will be a roaring success.

He said: ‘Billy Mitchell is a ratings winner. His antics have gripped British soap fans for years.’

‘Will he or won’t he succeed in his current minimum wage job? And will this lady put up with him in a sexual capacity for more than three months? And will Phil Mitchell ever accept him as the top beta male of his clan? These are the questions that keep millions of people tuned in week on week.’

‘He will definitely capture a global audience, no question about it. In fact, I’m surprised we didn’t think of doing this sooner.’

Billy in Beverly Hills will make its HBO debut later this summer.

Keane return from Burma ‘just as dull as before’

16 Apr

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings (inspired by @adamhopelies)

Caucasian pop legends Keane have returned unscathed and just as dull as before from an excursion to Burma, one of the few counties judges by the world’s media to be even more dangerous than the United Kingdom.

It was hoped that their patended brand of white, middle class piano pop would bring the country’s violence and beheadings to an end.

Armed with just a grand piano, some accoustic guitars, a full orchestra and some brown cardigans from Debenhams, the talented foursome sang their hearts out across the land. The music was described as ‘quite boring’ by many leading political figures and even the Karen rebels themselves.

"This one's for all of YOU": Keane frontman Tom Chaplin dedicates a number to Burmese genocide victims.

The group, who have been long-championed by Q Magazine and the Daily Telegraph, endured inhumane conditions to bring their award-winning songs to a new audience, such as having to wear the same Pringle t-shirt for two days in a row in some instances. The nearest branch of Starbucks was also reportedly ‘quite a long walk’ from their three-star hotel.

Whilst taking inspiration from the struggles of the Burmese people, Keane alpha male Thomas Chaplin was keen to assure his fans that the cherished safe pop of their current albums will not be neglected in favour of more uptempo, interesting, politically-motivated work.

He said: ‘Our next studio album will be more of the same. You’ll still be able to kick back with some Robinson’s cordial juice and unwind to the soft, unchallenging sound of Keane at full force.’

Astonishingly, whilst on his trip, Mr Chaplin was at one point mistaken for millionairre Conservative MP David Cameron by locals. It was said that ‘the glint in his eye that only someone with a very privaleged upbringing can pull off’ as well as similar hair and clothes, misled the Burmese into thinking a British invasion was taking place, and not the kind the Americans enjoyed in the 1960s.

Later this summer, Keane will be getting down to the business of organising transport and security for their first live album, set to be released during Christmas 2014. ‘Keane Live ‘n’ Loud in Sudan’ will feature a set-list comprising all their hit singles alongside newer material.

Yes Prime Minister: David Cameron addresses parliament in March 2012

SUCCESS! Zayn Malik’s ‘Bradfordburg’ concerto sells out

31 Mar

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Zayn Malik has proved his detractors wrong once again as a controversial forray into classical music for the young prodigy has turned out to be nothing but a roaring success.

Malik, 28, who will be breaking away from boy group One Direction later in the year, presented fans with a live performance of his highly anticipated Bradfordburg concerto, a 10-hour tribute to his home town played by the school orchestra of Wakefield High School.

Orchestra: Wakefield's finest

Tickets reportedly sold out within two weeks of going on sale at the 138 capacity venue.

Even Malik’s father, Mr. Malik, was only able to bring two of his four wives along to enjoy the evening.

Those lucky enough to attend commented that seeing Zayn in action was not unlike witnessing ‘a young Mozart in his prime’.

The concert stopped for a short interlude at the four hour mark, during which time a banquet of crisps, Haribo and diet Fanta were served with compliments.

Particular crowd pleasers were ‘Bradford FC Cello Sonata in A Minor’ and ‘An MBA Keeps the Border Force at Bay in B Maj. 2nd Movement’.

Composing: Zayn Malik

Some in attendance were so overcome with emotion that they shed tears.

Zayn himself was available for comment after the ten minute standing ovation that greeted the final bars of ‘Tony And George Kissing In A B52 Bomber in F Minor.’

He said: ‘I am delighted with the evening and am pleased with the response to my work. Now I must retire to my private quarters where I intend to enjoy a w**k and the first DVD of my new Spongebob Squarepants boxset.’

He will now start planning a second performance of the Bradfordburg Concerto to take place at Leeds Civic Center this summer.

“I’m well chuffed, guv” Olly Murs cleans up at 2012 Mediocre Music Awards

27 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

It seems that finally all the years of hard work have paid off for music sensation Olly Murs as the cheeky chappy has scooped a record bounty at the fifteenth annual Mediocre Music Awards (c).

The glamourous ceremony, held at Southend pier earlier in February, was hosted by Cilla Black and welcomed a host of A-list celebrity guests, including the cast of Brookside’s final episode, as well as Trevor and Simon of Live & Kicking Fame.

Mr Murs, 34, won the most mediocre male, most mediocre album, most disappointing dancing in a music video, most meaningless lyrics, blandest pop single and most unremarkable look awards, or ‘mediocries’ as they are known in the industry.

Murs: Officially mediocre

A final twist stunned onlookers as the X Factor reject also nabbed a special award for saying nothing of substance in any interviews whatsoever, a close contest between himself and TOWIE’s Amy Childs (who sadly could not be in attendance).

Mr Murs has gone on record to confirm that he is currently looking for a suitable builder to install an extra shelf in the shed at the bottom of Simon Cowell’s garden where he lives to house his enviable horde  of plastic Ms.

He said: ‘I’m over the moon and never expected any of these awards,’ before offering this reporter fruit and vegetables at very competitive retail prices.

So what next for Mr Murs, the man who seemingly has the music world at his feet? A hospital tour taking in every children’s ward in East Anglia, followed by several months off to record his next mediocre album ‘Apples And Pears To Heaven’, that’s what. You heard it here first.

Zayn Malik quits One Direction to finish his ‘Pet Sounds’

19 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Teenage girls across the nation were left in despair this weekend as the shocking announcement that Zayn Malik will be leaving One Direction was made, shaking the British pop industry to its very core.

Malik, 25, will finish a series of primary school concerts with ‘1D’ in April this year, after which he is said to be ‘looking forward’ to locking himself away in complete isolation to work on his latest pop symphony.

The composer, who joined the group on one of the least-viewed seasons of X Factor in history, already had their first three albums written and arranged even before his first audition. He has stated creative differences along with frustration at having to perform the same mindrottingly awful music week in week out, as the reasons that tipped him over the edge to resign.

Despair: Bradford 1D fans cannot contain themselves

Malik’s forthcoming solo album, simply titled ‘Bradford’ after his home town, will feature a range of musical styles and arrangements from across the ages, encompassing everything from baroque classical to jazz fusion.

‘This is getting insiders quite excited,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s been several decades since British pop music produced a genuinely timeless masterpiece. This could be it.’

Malik has built a ‘shrine to Bradford’ in his home, much the same way as the Brian Wilson did for the beach when he went quite literally insane due to a decade of injesting powerful halucinajenic drugs. The One Direction star’s creation is shaping up to be quite different though.

A family member said ‘He’s got a genuine paving slab, still covered in dog sh*t and human vomit, from outside the Bacteria Grill in Bradford city center right in the middle of the living room.’

‘Next to his grand piano lies a pile of tissues drenched in human tears. In the corner there is even a rain machine.’

‘He is in talks with the local council to get a load of used needles and rat carcasses for decorating the orchestral suite as well.’

Malik: John Lennon of the iPhone generation?

The industry does not expect to hear much from Malik for several months, if not longer. However, many are convinced that the product of the young prodigy’s efforts will recreate accurately the pain, despair and overwhelming dread that comes with every waking moment of life in Bradford.

Paddy McGuinness almost arrested for pimping

11 Feb

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Likable TV personality Paddy McGuinness came very close to being arrested last week after an anonymous call was made to the police claiming that he was in fact a pimp.

The northerner’s show, Take Me Out, allows men to take their pick from a range of thirty potential sex partners after their mothers have humiliated them on national television.

Now in its eleventh series, the show narrowly lost out to TOWIE in the ‘most pointless use of a production team’s time’ category at the national television awards.

Rickard Wilkes, head of police arrests, was quick to explain the situation to the press.

He said: ‘We got a call that a local pimp was working out of an address in London, so naturally I gathered all available police resources to make the arrest.’

‘However when we got to the address, which was a television studio, all we found was a very entertaining episode of Take Me Out being filmed live.’

‘The disappointment of not making an arrest soon passed as we were gripped by a wild-haired rock ‘n’ roll cliche from Brighton who very nearly did not acquire a date.’

ITV plans to issue a statement to discourage other such calls to the police and to reassure the general public that no money changes hands between males and females at any point during the making of Take Me Out.

Innocent: McGuinnes and his bevy of desperate women

Channel 4 finally secures rights to Frankie Cocozza autopsy

16 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

After a lengthy bidding war involving ITV2 and ITV4, Channel 4 has now been confirmed as the network that will be able to broadcast a live autopsy of hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza.

The X Factor reject is still alive, reports have confirmed, though with his lifestyle of excessive drug use and vaginal penetrations, many believe it is unlikely he will reach thirty.

Producers are hoping to involve Gunther von Hagens in the show. The German eccentric warmed the hearts of viewers recently by hacking up dead bodies and lining the studio with their internal organs on live television. He is reportedly asking for a fixed six-figure fee and a month’s supply of sausages.

Scalpel at the read: Gunther poses with his wife of 19 years

Rumours suggest the programme will be shown in three 2-hour episodes, the first two being the dissection itself and the third episode a spin-off hosted by Peter Andre and the cast of The Only Way is Essex.

Mr Cocozza, 27, garnered a huge fanbase after failing to hold even a single note on 2011’s series of the primetime singing contest.

He said: ‘The careful observers out there will know that I cannot sing or offer anything else in the way of employability, so I am grateful to Channel 4 for giving me the opportunity to contribute to medical science.’

‘Maybe after I am gone, scientists will finally know the secrets to how babies are made.’

Chuffed: Cocozza poses for fans outside a Brighton job center

Oliver Stone makes progress on John Terry biopic

7 Jan

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Oscar-winning film director Oliver Stone is reportedly half way through writing the screenplay to an epic movie based upon the life of disgraced Premiership footballer John Terry.

The film will be financed by Dreamworks studios with a budget of around $200 million, with principle photography set to begin in September 2012.

Hollywood veteran Stone already has a number of titles under his belt that deal with the trials and tribulations of humans that have caused significant pain and suffering to others. Previous subjects have included Alexander The Great, who enslaved half the world, George W. Bush, who masterminded the illegal Iraq oil wars of the noughties after a rigged election win and Fidel Castro, whose shady politics saw his entire nation of Cuba go without all-American imports such as Dunkin’ Donuts and McDonald’s for fifty years and counting.

Beast: The famous 'baby kidnapping' incident of 2011

Stone’s latest epic, simply titled ‘John’, will tell the story of the England captain’s early beginnings stealing lunch money from fellow school pupils at Barking’s Facepunch High School in the late 1980s, through to his rise to power of one of London’s most feared crime organisations – Chealsea FC.

It is rumoured that scenes depicting Mr Terry’s various known assaults will be ‘some of the most violent ever filmed’ according to Empire magazine.

Stone has chosen not to focus on the countless married women that have shared a bed with the racist footballing hero, saving the stories for the ‘Terrynova’ film, a potential sequel.

The Hollywood legend has assured the film community that he will do everything in his power to ensure that ‘John’ is given an 18 certificate by the BBFC as ‘no children should have to see this monster’.

The nation will be getting behind Mr Terry in his campaign to lead England to victory in this year’s European championships.

‘Fat one’ from Little Mix to be tested for human DNA

18 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Jesy Nelson, backing singer in X Factor winners Little Mix, has come under scrutiny from leading scientific researchers for being ‘quite likely’ to be not what she appears to be. She remains locked up in a top secret basement somewhere in England for advanced scientific analysis.

The 28 year old lifeform, known as ‘the fat one’ to the general public, has been masquerading as a fully-fledged human for several weeks whilst performing as one quarter of the overhyped girl group.

Richard Wilkes, fellow of biological science studies at Cameford University, has gone on record to confirm that no homosapien female could possibly look like Miss Nelson and that she is in fact the world’s first discovered extraterrestrial to house human DNA coding.

Not of this world: The fat one

He said: ‘If you look at her face, the nose is undersized, with barely any cartilage. It’s also nearly in line with her eyes, which are too far apart to be considered genuine earthling.’

‘The creature’s hair also left me speechless, no doubt the result of many generations of evolution on inhabitable gas giant planets light years away from our immediate solar system, with very brazen, acidic atmospheres.’

What is unknown at this time is how a human ended up so far away from planet earth in order to mate with another lifeform.

Mr Wilkes hopes to use similar techniques to the CIA during the Cold War in order to secure the truth from Miss Nelson.

‘This creature has certainly learnt to adapt to its suroundings successfully. To listen to it, you’d think it was just like any other uneducated, fame-hungry celeb-obsessed cretinous British teen.’

‘Having said all that, I could be wrong. This may just be a very unattractive girl.’

The live semi-dissection will go ahead anyway and be shot for an ITV2 one off show to be broadcast early in 2012.

Does my coat look pink in this? Pat Butcher steps out for some lunch in Walford

11 Dec

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Pat Butcher of Eastenders fame caught onlookers by surprise earlier this week as she stepped out for a Big Mac and chips during the filming of one of her Christmas death scenes.

Mrs Butcher, 88, looked devine in a bright pink trench coat, complete with synthetic fur collar and Christmas tree ear-rings. She had opted for a more under-stated make-up, displaying only three layers of foundation and a lighter tint to the usual dark blue eye shadow.

Trend setter: Pat demonstrates her own unique style

The pensioner, who has made love to nearly all males in Albert Square over 65, will leave the long-running soap opera this Christmas, when she will be riddled with machine gun bullets following a gangland slaying over unwashed pants at the laundrette.

Producers have let slip that it will be ‘like the end of Bonnie and Clyde, without Clyde and with a very overweight and old Bonnie’. The scenes, to be filmed later this week, will use several dozen squibs, the most ever used in the show’s history.

A pair of Pat’s earrings from 1993 recently fetched a staggering £13.86 on eBay, which solidified her status as one of the BBC’s most cherished stars.

A spokesperson for Pat has said she will live out the rest of her years in quiet retirement, alongside ‘eating more chips than anyone thought humanly possible’.

Pop Peelings wishes Pat the very best for the future.

Cheryl Cole’s knuckles ‘98% recovered’ from racist beating

28 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

The recovery process has been a long one, but finally after so many years it seems Cheryl Cole is set to make a full recovery from the night her left fist was used to beat a poverty-stricken nightclub toilet attendant senseless in January 2003.

The incident, which took place at Guildford’s Finger Bang Cobanna, left Mrs Cole barely able to hold a hairbrush properly, let alone a microphone.

The altercation occurred after Sophie Amogbokpa, who was three hours into her shift in the ground floor ladies toilets, took objection to wealthy pop stars taking her merchandise of perfume and lolipops without paying. A defiant Cheryl, tanked up on champagne and brown ale, made a stand with an impressive left hook to the struggling law student’s skull.

The impact left the Girls Aloud star with hairline fractures to her knuckles, and severe bruising for several months.

Injured: Cheryl nurses the fist on 12th Jan 2003 that nearly shattered Miss Amogbokpa's eye socket

An unnamed witness at the time said: ‘I’m so glad Cheryl’s record company was able to put her through so many dance and gym sessions, otherwise she may not have had the physical strength needed to defend herself against someone who was probably born into war and poverty and was simply trying to earn money to pay for her education.’

Mrs Cole, who at the time labelled her opponent a ‘black b*tch’, was convicted of ABH and ordered to serve a sentence of not buying a new handbag for thirty days.

She was also ordered to pay £0.55 for the lollipop that started the argument in the first place.

A spokesman for Mrs Cole said: ‘Cheryl has been under strict doctor’s orders now to not use her fist to physically assault any more black females.’

‘She has been through an ordeal but will soon be able to breakdance again.’

Pop Peelings wishes Cheryl a full recovery.

Frankie Cocozza ‘refuses point blank’ to eat greens at dinner table

21 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

Hairy hellraiser Frankie Cocozza, who was spectacularly booted from this year’s X Factor for behaving exactly how the show’s producers had marketed him to the public, has now sunk to a new low.

The Brighton teen, after returning home, has refused to eat his mother’s green vegetables that comprised part of her traditional family roast dinner.

The incident took place this Sunday in Mrs Cocozza’s Brighton flat, at around 19:00 GMT.

She said: ‘I served a traditional roast dinner for my son in good faith.’

‘No matter what I tried, he just wouldn’t eat the broccoli and peas that I’d cooked. He really has gone off the rails now.’

It should come as a surprise to no one that the college drop-out should behave with such crass disrespect; each weekend he has been spotted ‘hanging out the back of’ a different young slapper, as friends would testify to.

A spokesman for ITV said: ‘Of course, we’ll give Frankie all the support he needs to combat his demons. Right after this series of X Factor is over and we no longer need to use his debauchery for indirect PR.’

Sex face: Cocozza hasn't had a haircut since 1998

NEWS BULLSHIT – BITESIZE

7 Nov

By Slick Nick | @Poppeelings

We proudly present three world exclusive bitesize news stories from the exciting world of celebrity and entertainment.

Scherzinger eyes up Adams

Pop super slut Nicole Scherzinger is rumoured to be considering professional darts player Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams as a potential mate.

The news comes as the sultry singer has ended her four year relationship with racing driver Lewis Hamilton, on the cusp of him no longer being the world’s number one at his given sport.

Adams: Will he succumb to Scherzinger's charms?

Adams, currently the world’s number one darts player, is said to be ‘well up for’ a lunch date at a Sutton branch of Pizza Express with Scherzinger, whose recent single ‘Wet’ was supposedly written about her emotional and physical state after Adams’ last 180 throw.

Blonde ‘distraught’ at taking 45 minutes to finish off Cocozza

X Faxtor’s starlet Frankie Cocozza is no stranger to a woman’s warmth, only this time it appears to have backfired, as a mystery blonde the singer took ‘backstage’ to a pub carpark has expressed her dismay at taking nearly an hour to make the Brighton local reach climax.

Idiot: Cocozza's sex face

The never-ending sex act occured just minutes after Cocozza made love to another fan in the very same carpark to celebrate another below average performance on the prime time ITV show.

His latest conquest, an Asda retail assistant, will be seeking councelling to help cope with her ordeal.

Katona’s relationship with frying pan ‘in trouble’

The whirlwind romance between ITV2 legend Kerry Katona and a frying pan bought for her by a friend from their local alcoholics anonymous group is said to be hanging by a thread.

The pair, who were due to marry later this month, have temporarily seperated in order to rekindle the spark that ignited their hearts in the first place.

One (bottle) for the road: Katona drinks to ease the pain

Katona’s spokeswoman said: ‘They don’t seem to communicate. Kerry makes all the effort.’

‘Then again, you’d expect that when you’re in a relationship with what is essentially a chunk of inorganic matter.’

Cheryl Cole’s ‘Throat Fingers’ weight loss DVD causes controversy

23 Oct

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Modern women that don’t have time to hit the gym between working, voting and shoe shopping may still be able to achieve healthy weight-loss thanks to a new exercise DVD presented by Newcastle princess Cheryl Cole. The forthcoming release, set go on sale on 25th December this year, will reveal the pop star’s preferred methods for staying in shape and looking fabulous at all times.

‘Throat Fingers’, as it will be titled, features over six hours of tuition from Mrs Cole in how to cause the vomitting needed to ensure calories are not absorbed into the bloodstream and deposited as fat after a meal.

Disc one will cover the basics, such as how to remove fake finger nails before they make contact with the back of the pharynx, as well as the ideal angle to tilt the back of the head to when inserting the digits into the throat.

Advanced theory is covered on disc two, which suggests the most efficient methods of capturing and desposing of the half-digested food and stomach bile after an exercise/puke session. The third disc features a full making-of documentary, as well as a three-minute featurette looking at Mrs Cole’s achievements in music.

– Stocking filler

Richard Wilkes, Head of Everything at video publishing giant B.T. Maxx, is excited for the December release date.

He said: ‘We couldn’t be happier to be working with Cheryl on this product, which will make a real difference to so many people’s lives.’

‘The added bonus is that it has kept her out of the recording studios for several months.’

The project has not been completed without its fair share of controversy, however. Directors at the Miss Bloater retail chain, which sells clothes for the larger lady, is predicting a blow to its profits in 2012 which could result in major redundancies.

None the less, ‘Throat Fingers’ promises to be a truly unique exercise product which will go a long way in fighting Britain’s bulging obesity epidemic.

The delux 3-disc edition of ‘Throat Fingers’ will be available on DVD and blu-ray from all good Argos stores.

Role model: Cole demonstrates correct puke posture on disc 2

X Factor boot camp ‘in lockdown’ after A-level suspicion

27 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Controversy gripped the X Factor boot camp in London last night as it was suspected that one or more conestants were found to be in the possession of A-levels. The 10-storey dance studio and gym in Oxford Street was in lock-down whilst Syco executives investigated.

Insiders report that all budding singers were lined up against a wall and strip-searched to see if they had on them the A-level ‘certificates’. These items tend to be awarded to UK students for achieving a certain level of academic excellence.

The rumours of A-level possession surfaced when one contestant, a caucasian female in her early twenties, appeared to be well-spoken and polite, but had not used a gimick or sob story to get past the audition stage. X Factor researchers then made the shocking discovery that the girl in question had enjoyed a relatively stable upbringing underpinned by a happy home life.

Richard Wilkes, Senior Executive Vice Presidential Director of Important Stuff at Syco, was forced to step in and take direct action.

He said: ‘We at Syco Records will not tolerate the use or awarding of A-levels amongst our artists or contestants. It is strictly against Syco policy.’

‘Through years of painstaking market research, we have determined that what the pop consumer demands is not educated youngsters who have had stable lives in a loving, supportive family environment.’

‘If someone with A-levels were able to slip through the X Factor process and get a record deal, it could have a detrimental impact on sales. I might only be able to afford three holidays a year.’

Syco CEO Simon Cowell has stood by the policy for a number of years, stating that he doesn’t want to end up managing ‘another Blur or Radiohead’ who would likely make outlandish demands like time away from dance rehearsals to write music together.

Middle manager Louis Walsh is said to be ‘enthusiastic’ over the idea of further hourly strip searches just incase the previous ones could not unearth hidden A-Level certificates.

Academics: Not what's 'in' for record labels

OK! magazine wins exclusive picture rights to Kerry Katona’s marriage to frying pan

19 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

After days of intense speculation, OK! Magazine has won exclusivity on the publishing of photographs taken at the forthcoming wedding between Big Brother reject Kerry Katona, 38, and a frying pan. The 128-page issue, set to comprise only the wedding photos and a page of coupons and crossword puzzles, will go on sale in mid November following the lavish ceremony at Chorley Civic Centre.

Journalists have struggled to keep up with the events of the whirlwind romance between Katona and the cooking item bought for her as a gift following her humiliatingly early exit from the Big Brother house earlier this year. An unnamed friend, who first met Katona at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in March, bought her the frying pan ‘to help make her favourite foods for curing hangovers’.

Since then the couple grew close and were spotted at various celebrity hangouts such as the Bradford Bacteria Grill restaurant and bar, apparently lured in by a ‘buy 2 buckets of chips and get a free crate of lager’ special offer. Within days, a wedding proposal from Katona followed.

‘The best men get snapped up so quickly,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t going to let the frying pan of my dreams get away from me.’

Bride to be: But will this marriage last more than a few months?

Some commentators have voiced concern for the frying pan, claiming that the instant new found fame will be too much for the cooking utensil to handle. These fears come as Katona is about to complete her fourth interview with the Bradford Evening Gazette. It hasn’t dulled the couple’s sex life however, which has been described by Katona as ‘right on the money’.

The alcoholic ex-popstar believes that the marriage will last forever, with the frying pan showing a great deal of love for Katona. It has reportedly encouraged her to significantly cut down her cigarette habit to 40 a day.

Now the whole nation will get to own the memories of Katona’s special day. In a deal worth dozens of pounds, OK! Magazine will publish the Katona wedding issue, devoting half of it to the Atomic Kitten’s family and friends, and the other half to the pots, pans, cutlery and utensils that will make up the frying pan’s guests.

ITV2 are rumoured to be in talks to televise the event, which would make it the first wedding in the north of England to be captured on film of any kind.

Only time will tell as to whether this is the real thing or if Katona is using the occasion to cling desperately to the eyelashes of the public eye.

Groom: The pan that captured the heart of a Katona

Curves Aloud? Diner in shock after spotting ‘flesh’ on Cheryl Cole

12 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop skeleton Cheryl Cole is no stranger to turning heads, only this time it’s happened for the wrong reason. The dancer and occasional singer was spotted in a Luton branch of Burger King earlier this week, looking somewhat worse for wear. Eye witnesses, including restaurant owner Richard Wilkes, were most pertubed by the site of Mrs Cole who has apparently gained 1 lb. in bodyweight since appearing on X Factor last year.

Wilkes, 50, who owns the Bacteria Grill in Rotherham, was so shocked at what he saw in the motorway services station that he was barely able to finish his Double Whopper meal.

He said: ‘I cannot believe how far Cheryl has let herself go. She used to have such beautiful ligaments and tendons but these are barely visible now.’

‘She had it all: the hair, the body, the footballer husband. Now it’s all gone thanks to her gluttony.’

Mrs Cole, 36, was seen enjoying a salad in the popular fast-food establishment. Her management company refused to comment other than to reassure fans of terrible music that the Geordie was still well enough to enter a recording studio.

Wilkes went on to voice his concerns not just for Mrs Cole, but for a whole generation of northern women seemingly hellbent on undoing their God-given figures with the uncontrollable swallowing of food and drink.

He said: ‘Having my own take-away has meant I’ve seen first hand the damage that junk food and fizzy drinks can do to a young girl’s physique.’

‘It’s a shame that the most popular item on my menu is not the healthiest.’

‘We call it the Diabetic Delight and it’s essentially just a bucket of chips.’

Pig: The guilt of eating more than 200kcal in one day is too much for Cole to bare

‘She’s delighted’: Kerry Katona finally confirmed as the new face of White Lightning cider

5 Sep

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

For some lucky individuals it seems, five minutes of fame can sometimes extend to six, for Kerry Katona, star of reality TV shows of virtually zero substance, has landed what many close to her believe to be the chance of a lifetime. The 43 year old has been chosen from the UK’s 5 million alcoholics to be the new ‘face’ of super strength cider White Lightning.

The 7.5% proof drink, which is occasionally referred to as ‘tramp juice’, is set for a multi-million pound re-launch by brewer’s Heineken. The marketing campaign will encompass TV and print media, as well as a concise social networking strategy in order to tempt back the school children and unemployed who made up the cider’s core market during its 90s heyday.

Miss Katona, whose fuck partnership with a Westlife mannequin ended some years ago, will travel the UK in November visiting schools, churches and shopping centers this year to raise awareness of the drink’s light, refreshing apple flavour and lethal alcohol levels. She will be paid an impressive £11.54 a day for her efforts as well as expenses up to and including a maximum of £4.00.

Unwinding: White Lightning is perfect for relaxing with friends after a hard week at the office

Senior Vice President of Marketing at the Heineken group, Richard Wilkes, is looking forward to a month-long partnership with the chain-smoking Katona.

He said: ‘Out product is all about getting very drunk in as short a timescale as possible.’

‘We feel Miss Katona represents perfectly what our brand is about and she will feel proud to have her face next to a huge bottle of White Lightning on billboards around the country.’

After several years of struggling to earn a living from selling cigarettes to neighbours, Katona appears to have fallen on her feet. Having beaten such fierce competition, including alcoholics from the east end of Glasgow, to star in a nationwide advertising campaign, the ex-Atomic Kitten will be celebrating in the time-honoured Katona family way – by drinking enough alcohol to endanger the life of a fully grown African bull elephant.

Heineken are keen to nurture their new relationship with the star, offering her a year’s supply of 2 litre White Lightning bottles. These 1262 drinks will be stored in a warehouse in Rotherham with 24 hour security.

Where the magic's made: The Heineken plant in Reading allows a more personal manufacturing touch to every bottle of White Lightning

X Factor’s Tulisa: ‘The riots were bad’

30 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

X Factor judge Tulisa Something-Greek-Sounding has issued a statement containing her profound views on the rioting that swept the UK earlier in August this year.

The 32 year old has gone on record to declare the shocking scenes of arson and looting as ‘not very nice’.

She said: ‘I felt ashamed when I saw the news on those nights, particularly as I noticed a fair few of my ex boyfriends amongst the crowds.’

‘But what disappointed me most was the proceeding coverage from the right-leaning British press which seemed to use the tragedy to further its cause against the lower social classes and ethnic minority groups.’

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is no stranger to political commentary, making a career out of fronting the socially conscious contemporary disco troup N Dubz. The Camden natives will be setting sail for a tour of the ex-Balkan nations this winter to perform for fans whose parents likely suffered crimes against humanity in the 1990s at the hands of Serbian troops. The victims of genocide, torture and ethnic cleansing are looking forward to enjoying rapper Dappy’s funny hats.

Miss Something-Greek-Sounding is hoping her group’s unique brand of uplifting, urban compositions will inspire teens around the world not to destroy every Carphone Warehouse shop window in sight.

Her campaign has the full support and backing of Pop Peelings.

Broken Britain: Tulisa's social work helps disaffected urban youths express themselves in North London

NEW LOW: JLS’ Aston checks in to Priory for McCoy’s addiction

22 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

The pressures of fame can sometimes be too much for some, particularly when you’re one quarter of Britain’s premier male dance group Joyful Little Strippers (JLS). Having been through the ups and downs of life on the road, which culminated in a debilitating addiction to cheese & onion McCoy’s crisps, young Aston Merrygold has saught the help of The Priory.

The London clinic is no stranger to celebrity clients, and helps individuals curb their addictions to everything from drink and drugs to anal sex. Mr Merrygold, 17, will spend two months there in order to receive the professional help required to battle uncontrollable cravings for the well known bagged snack.

Joyful Little Stripper: Merrygold drives attendees of the G.A.Y. club insane with lust at a show

The group first became aware of Mr Merrygold’s behaviour one night in February this year. During the middle of the night, the caravan at the end of manager Louis Walsh’s garden which the group use for living accomodation, became alive with a sound. The sound was not music, as one of their hit singles alludes to, but of a primal, unrestrained crunching and groaning; the sound of Aston wrist deep in McCoy’s crisps.

Louis Walsh, 83, said: ‘It’s a huge blow to have one of my strippers addicted to high-calorie snacks. If this had continued, his chissled, oiled abs may have become less defined.’

‘I wish Aston the quickest possible recovery so he can return to eight hours of exercise a day fuelled only by a single protein shake and three litres of tap water.’

The estimated cost of Merrygold’s stay at the clinic will be around £3million per week. Insiders say this will be money well spent.

Amy Childs quits TOWIE to complete PhD

15 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Amy Childs, star of reality TV smash hit The Only Way is Essex, has sensationally quit the show after thirteen years to focus on further academic achievement. She will hand in a PhD dissertation in the second half of 2013 on modern social anthropology, adding to her already impressive bounty of masters degrees in the fields of psychology and biological sciences.

The 39 year old, who has long held claim to the largest pair of breasts in the show’s twenty year existence, joined the Essex-based program in the middle of 1998, around the time of her completing her first masters degree at the university of Bath, at which she was also the Student Union vice president.

Natural look: Amy Childs in 2005, as guest lecturer at Bristol university

Miss Childs has portrayed herself on television as something of an entreprenuer, managing a profitable hair boutique in a trendy part of Chigwell ever since earning the start-up funds through careful investments that paid off during the first dot com boom. Set to open her eighth branch next year, she has used the profits to fund her education and to set up the independent Amy Childs Alztheimer’s Research Institution in South End, now in its second year.

Many of the cast have become close friends, and sometimes fuck partners, with Miss Childs.

Mark Wright, who plays Tanned Bloke 03, said: ‘I’m well happy for her. I’m proper chuffed mate.’

‘She showed me one of her text books once. Fackin’ hell guv, I was like you ‘avin’ a giraffe sunshine etc.’

Modest Childs, who has seen her academic work published in all major scientific journals, is planning a low-key send off to mark her final appearance in the show in September. She will attend private parties in eighteen top night clubs in central London and three in Manchester, and will invite a plethora of celebrity guests and superstar disc jockeys such as Timmy Mallett, along to enjoy the fun.

NON EXCLUSIVE! Rejected Nicole Scherzinger sex song titles uncovered

8 Aug

By Slick Nick

@Poppeelings

Pop music fans were left appalled last night at the rejected ideas for Nicole Scherzinger songs, revealed by an ex-employee of her management company.

The 43-year old temptress portrays a risque image at the best of times, but these sexually explicit concepts are thought to push the boundaires even for her.

Titles such as ‘I am Here To Be F****d’, ‘Begging For Manmeat’, ‘Ten Things I Want To Do With Your D**k’ and ‘Play With My P****’ were proposed for her debut album ‘Killer Love’ which was released earlier in the year to largely indifferent reviews.

Filth: Half naked snaps increase record sales

The song titles were uncovered when ex-associate Richard Wilkes, 50, forwarded emails from the time of the album’s recording to news editors around the world.

Wilkes was asked to leave the independent music management company Pop Sluts Inc. in April this year after failing to provide enough baby oil for one of Miss Scherzinger’s video shoots.

He said: ‘When I saw these depraved ideas, I thought it was some kind of joke.’

‘Then I saw the look in Nicole’s heavily made-up eyes, a look of sheer lustful hunger; I knew she was deadly serious.’

So how does he feel about the turn of events?

‘It’s a shame we’re no longer working alongside each other but frankly, with the money I’ve earned cashing in on my story, I won’t need paid employment for at least another 14 months.’

Nicole Scherzinger’s latest video can be found playing in most teenage boys’ rooms to accompany their masturbation sessions.

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